Proud Boys Rule Book Covers How/When They Can ‘Wank’ Because It’s ‘Liberal’… Colbert Hits It Deep

Despite the fact that discussions concerning the Proud Boys should nearly always be dead serious because they are a Christofascist terrorist organization that is now being tried for seditious conspiracy, just like their Oath Keeper brethren, an exception can be made when the “Proud Boy Handbook” is introduced at trial.

The Proud Boys claim to be alpha males (I assume), but their rules are a bit strange regarding “ejaculation.” From Rolling Stone:

Prosecutors entered a handbook into evidence that has been provided to Proud Boys members. The guidelines outline everything from the groups ideology, communal initiation procedures, group songs and chants, to bizarre rules banning individual behavior including the wearing of fedoras … and masturbation.

“This is our religion,” reads one rule. “A Proud Boy may not ejaculate alone more often than once every thirty days […] if he needs to ejaculate it must be within one yard of a woman with her consent. The woman may not be a prostitute.” The rule also denies an exception for cyber-sex with one’s wife.

So paying a woman to stand within a yard’s length is out. But to fully appreciate how “weird” (along with dangerous) these guys can be, they call this the “no wanks” policy because “wanking” is a liberal concept.

I wish I was joking. This is Proud Boy founder, Gavin McInnes, explaining his “No Wank” policy. He describes masturbation as a “liberal concept.” McInnes explains the the Catholic priests were right about masturbation 😳. pic.twitter.com/90WqErWx8J

— Laura Burkhardt (@LauraAnnSTL) January 23, 2023

But to really appreciate just how bizarre these people are (while also remembering that they’re dangerous), one needs only to watch Stephen Colbert’s take on the situation. It is already set up perfectly:

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[email protected], @JasonMiciak, SUBSTACK: MEMPHIS HORROR; GOP ACTIVELY FIGHTS AWAKENING TO OUR INHUMANITY