This is a satirical play. It is the sequel to Smuggled Out Of Washington…the Real Story Of Trump’s First Day In the White House. That was written on January 20, 2017, one of the most depressing days in the history of our republic. That was the day Donald Trump moved into the White House and began the desecration of all we hold sacred. This is the bookend piece, geared to January 19, 2021, the day Trump moves out. Who knows, maybe it happened just this way in another dimension. Put your feet up, pour a glass of wine and enjoy.
INT. WHITE HOUSE. OVAL OFFICE.
And that’s 232 votes to 197, as the gavel comes down. Donald Trump makes history as the first president of the United States ever to be impeached twice.
CUT TO: CLOSEUP JAKE TAPPER, CNN
232 is an unlucky number for Donald Trump. It’s the number of electoral votes that he got, losing to Joe Biden’s 306 electoral votes. Now today, the House votes to impeach him, by 232 votes. Maybe Trump should consult a numerologist?
SFX. GLASS SMASHING AS TRUMP RIPS THE TV OFF THE WALL AND HURLS IT TO THE FLOOR.
VOICE IN THE SHADOWS
Wheeee!! Watch it there boyo, ya almost hit me in me noggin! I’m not getting hazardous duty pay for this job ya know!
(jumping in fright)
AGGGHHHH!! It’s you! That horrible little man in green! I told Mike about you! He said you were a demon!
(comes into the light and lights his pipe)
Mike Pence probably is too dumb to know a leprechaun from a demon. They don’t like him in Ireland much, I’ll say. They don’t like his Mother Machree schick nor the homophobia, and we won’t even talk about the hypocrisy. Me cousin Bertha who works in the Taoiseach’s kitchen wanted to poison his prawns but we talked her out of it. “Let him go back to the states and rot there,” we said. “We don’t need his dead carcass stinkin’ up the joint around here.” She saw the error of her ways and put the rat poison back in the cupboard.
What are you doing here?!? I haven’t seen you since the day I moved in!
That’s exactly why I’m here, Donald. I’m here to see you move your arse out.
NOOOO!! I’m still president!! Rudy said so! He’s going to fix it!! And Sidney and Lin!! They’re all going to fix it!!! (He climbs on top of the Resolute Desk, curls up in the fetal position and begins to rock back and forth sucking his thumb.)
Now Donald: let’s have a wee chat, shall we? Ya got away with murder for the longest time. Ya called the Mexicans rapists — when you’re one. You insulted a prisoner of war, for being a prisoner of war — when you’re a fookin’ draft dodger. And you got away with it.
So didn’t it occur to you who was really runnin’ the show?
EYE was running the show! I’m the star!
No, ya odmahun. You only thought you were runnin’ the show. The Devil is runnin’ the show. You’re so dense that ya missed the point when it all switched over, and went from your narcissistic buffoonery into something more sinister. How do you think ya got away with it all? I mean, Donald, ya called a man’s wife ugly and his dead father JFK’s assassin — and he became your ally? And then ya bragged about grabbin’ women’s privates — and the family values voters said you were their boy? And then ya said another man was mental like a child molester — and he joined your cabinet? Does this seem normal to ya?
You’re talking about the GOP.
Point well taken. I’ll give you that. But even for the GOP things have been a bit stranger than usual since you came along. Now let me tell ya how it is, Donald. You’ve got to get out of here, so that nice Uncle Joe can move into a freshly exorcised home. I was tellin’ him just yesterday to leave it all to me and me kinfolk, we’ll get the place squared away.
Biden knows you’re here?
Oh, Joe and I have been pals for years, are ya kiddin’ me? I used to love to perch on his window sill and hand him a bunch of violets and chat. He had a bottle of Bushmill’s stashed away in the bookcase. He said he kept it, just for the two of us, for our visits. I was so touched. And I’m so glad he’s going to be around the house again. Can’t tell ya how I’ve missed him. Him, and sanity and decency. It’ll be nice to see ‘em all come back through the door. And so we need to get you gone, because your very presence cancels out the forces of light. It’s that way when the Devil has taken ya for one of his own.
NOOOOO!! I’m staying!!!! (starts to assume the fetal position again and pounds his tiny fists)
Suit yourself. Here’s how it goes. The longer you stay obstinate the more you’re going to lose.
NOOOO!! I’m getting it all back!! Rudy says!!!
Donald: you don’t seem to get it. You went from committing metaphorical murder to committing literal murder, just last week. You sent Mike Pence scurryin’ into the tunnels. I know because I was down there mendin’ me shoes and readin’ fortune cookies with the mice and I watched it. The shadows of flames started to flicker on the walls and I knew you were done. You sealed your fate. It’s up to you if there’s to be anything left a tall. Now, let’s take inventory shall we? In just the past week, you lost your beloved Twitter…
NOOOOOO!!!! I HAVEN’T LOST IT!! DORSEY WILL GIVE IT BAAAAAACCCK!! HE HAS TOOO!!! (breaks down sobbing hysterically)
Jack won’t do a thing different. Me cousin Sheila is assigned to Jack. Leprechauns are assigned to the children of the Emerald Isle, ya see, sorta like guardian angels. Sheila banned ya herself while Jack was asleep in Polynesia. She told him about it the next day. He said fine.
Oh, yes. Let me tell ya how it works. When the Irish are in power, the leprechauns’ power rises. We’re talking about the real Irish here, not Pence or McCarthy, they’re just odmahuns with Irish names, not worth the powder to blow ‘em to Hell. And so with Uncle Joe in the White House, we can work our magic — finally, after a long time, and once again. We were goin’ full bore during Camelot. It was an age of grace and marvels for this country, the wonder years, some called it. That was all our doin’ the wonder part. But then we were comin’ in after Eisenhower, and that’s a sight different from having to pull the country forward after your seditious stint. This is going to be a hard haul. But we’ll do it, we always have.
But I don’t have to GO!!! I’m gonna get back on TOP!! I always do!! Vladimir!! He’ll start taking my calls again and then I’ll get back on top!! WAAAAHHHHHHH!!!
Well, let’s see what ya have left to lose, shall we? You don’t have the golf tournament, the PGA took that…..
And then Signature Bank gave ya back your money and put out a statement tellin’ ya to resign — and so did the Wall Street Journal — and then Professional Bank, that loaned ya eleven million bucks just two years ago said don’t darken their doorstep again, they don’t want your business. Same with Deutsch Bank. They’re bein’ a little more coy, but same thing…..
WAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! I’m gonna tell my followers about you!! You’ll have 88 million people after you tonight, with tiki torches and pitchforks!! You just WATCH!!!! (furiously pounds away on a small box)
Donald, that’s a calculator. Ah, where was I? Oh yes, and then Shopify took down your online store, so there’s no money there, and then the Brits — who loathe you almost as much as the Irish — said they weren’t going to do the British Open at Turnberry and….shall I go on? Because Donald, the longer you stay here and fight it, the more the Devil takes. Quit while you’re ahead. You can’t win. And you’re playing for stakes much higher than an election, you’re playing for your soul — even if it is two sizes too small.
WAAAAHHHHHHH!!! (smashes another coffee pot) I’m not going anywhere!! I live here!!! I’m the president of the United States!!! Some little green man with a stick who gives flowers to Joe Biden and drinks bushes isn’t going to tell me what to do!! I’m the president! You can’t talk to me that way!! You’re real low life, you’re three feet tall!!! And nobody wears a stupid hat like that!!! It’s low class!! And what are you smoking in that pipe!?!
SECRET SERVICE MAN
Hello, Bill? Are you getting this? Yeah, I think it’s time to call Ivanka, too. No, don’t talk to Mr. Cipollone. Just get the doctor. And get the electrician, too, would you? There’s some kind of green light coming from under the door. You hear the fiddles, too? I thought that was just me. Yeah, weird.
I needed a good laugh. Been trying to write and am worn out. Now I’m smiling again!
I am so glad, Denis. That makes my day to know that this gave you a good laugh. Did all go well with the eye doctor? You can write me an email if you don’t want to share about it here.
My pre-op appt. is the day after inauguration day. I’m told that they like to get the first surgery going within 30 days of that, so my main issue will be lining up a ride. I’ve been told that while they don’t knock you all the way out they dope you up enough that they won’t let you drive yourself home, and the VA is serious about that kind of thing. I’ve learned from colonoscopies that if an outpatient procedure requires drugging you up (or out) they require your driver to be with you and stay in the waiting room. I know one guy I might be able to call on for a ride so we’ll see. My car battery was getting old enough I’ve been worried about it and it was sluggish the other night when I had to make a quick run to the store. I called Toyota about replacing it yesterday because I didn’t want to, with an 9am appt. head out to my car at 7:30 in the morning and not have it start because I really want to get this surgery done – and be able to see clearly again! As was the case the last time I needed a battery the Toyota dealership had (by far) the best price on a five year battery and since he said if I came right in I probably wouldn’t have to wait more than an hour. Much as I hated to miss the debate in the House I did a check of what I needed from the grocery store (to pick up on my way home – it was on the route) headed out. The dude was as good as his word and an hour after I handed over my keys I was paying for the job. That was the last of my 600 bucks of stimulus, all of which went to my car! (New tires last week was the other part)
Good luck, Denis. One step at a time as they say,
Ditto on that, it makes things better with a little humor here and there, the Irish have a strange way of telling directions … leaning out of our car rental window once on the Ring of Kerry route, we were told about how we were to turn left by the large hedge row, but if you drove past the water pump in the middle of the road, you missed your turn … that road has signs that point forward and backward because it is a big loop, so, you really need some useful landmarks to find intersections …
The language is so colorful and difficult to parse at times, since the words they use many times, include little stories of past times and used to’s, mixed with magical, pointing and different ideas of distance, using wee bits and other images …
A little time in one of their pubs, might hear some Irish music, and if you are real lucky, one of their more well known local storytellers …
The first shock was asking for a soda and getting a room temperature bottle off the shelf, they don’t use ice in their soda …
Ice is an American invention, apparently. Ireland is a magical place. I must get back there in the not too distant future.
Actually if you ask for a ‘soda’ you’re more than likely to be ask if you want it buttered – a ‘soda’ here is a piece of griddle bread.
My mother used to fry bread. It was good. I didn’t eat much of it because I knew it was not good for me in quantity and some of my mother’s friends were horrified that she ate that stuff, I found out much later. She learned that from my grandmother, who came from Sligo. And then both of my father’s parents were from Roscommon.
Because of so many Scots & Irish immigrants the US South has that too. “Go about two miles down and turn left where the big oak burned down ten years ago, then turn right where the Johnson farm use to be.”
Loved Ireland. Lived on bread, cheese, tea, and beer for a week and didn’t feel deprived.
You can live on good bread and cheese. I used to have stellar bread and cheese — and wine — when I did a semester abroad in France. Those are the staples of life.
I loved trouncing into a pub on a morning hike through small towns, getting a white coffee fresh brewed with some pastries, which are quite different from our cinnamon rolls buried in tons of creamy frosting, more like dainty crisp little things, a good treat, nonetheless …
Walking through the big churches in Dublin was awesome, ancient things everywhere, old organ key decks, played so long that the keys were worn into little grooves where the players pushed them down … under one OLD church we were let walk down into the cellar, where old caskets held knights of old and mummified, one casket was open and we could if wanted, touch the hand of one and it was a little creepy, but felt almost normal, except for the cool touch …
We have been building things here in the US to last 50-to-100 years perhaps, over in those countries, the old building might be 400-500 years old … poured glass window panes, set in lead channels and all the beautiful windows in churches were set in leaded colored glass cuttings the old fashion way …
Toured the glass making company before they closed up shop there, it was the factory that made hundreds of triangular glass inserts for the dropping ball in NEW YORK for new years celebration …
If you want some things fixed in your yard that requires a team of shovel guys, they show up wearing go-to-church suits because they are made of finer materials and tailored for comfortable fit, so as soon as they buy new ones these go out on the job … however, don’t plan on a hurry-up job, it requires a lot of chatter and always at least one leaning on a shovel, for every two actually digging …
There is NOT a lot of hurry up anywhere over there, that would create stress … the Irish appear to be pretty smooth and calm … until you say the wrong thing about someone’s
favorite sport team …. 🙂
Speaking of things Irish, where oh where is my walking stick?
Very entertaining! It very much resembles reality.
Seriously, from everything I read, there is a flip out scene in the Oval Office. I don’t think it involves leprechauns, but screaming, yelling, denial, oh yeah.
Oh dear, oh dear. It’s not ‘odmahun’ but ‘omadaun’ (amadan – fool) or ‘Mother McCree’ but ‘Machree’ (mo chroidhe – (of) my heart). and ‘fecking’ is the normal pejorative in the local flavour of English
And as for Bushmills – that’s just a bad imitation of Scotch (patent still and blended). Real Irish is madein a pot still and not blended (try Jameson some time and you’ll taste the difference)
Sorry Ursula – got to call it as it is (and Mother Machree isn’t even an Irish song – pure US ‘Oirish Vaudeville’)
Actually I’d be more tempted to call the Trompador ‘leibide’ – a slovenly person of poor intelligence rather than ‘amadan’ which is more Downe’s Syndrome. Apart from which, we usually would use a lot stronger language, especially after he inflicted Mulvaneous Mick on us the the north-eastern part
Seriously though, take things easy and stay safe
I’ll change it to Jamesons. My recollection is that the first time I was in Dublin I drank Bushmill’s and it was very smooth — triple distilled I think I was told. But I have had Jameson’s and even had a Jameson’s mirror in my kitchen for about ten years. Sorry on the spellings. I simply cannot take the time to research the fine points. The realities of the blog decree that I keep moving and keep up. This isn’t my worst gaffe. i spoke one time of northern and southern Ireland and had my head bitten off, not saying the Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland. I have to get back there some time. I’ll join you in Belfast and we’ll have a drink or ten. I haven’t forgotten about your avatar. I will get to it when I have a moment. Lots of stuff going on.
BTW, when Mulvaney was canned from his job as Chief of Staff I said, “Ireland is full of dumb micks, they don’t need the one named Mulvaney.”
I discovered I had to leave Bushmill’s in the piece because Trump later screams about “little green men who drink bushes” so the reference has to stay to make sense later. All in creating art. :))
Aaron Sorkin would be proud.
Did he ever write about leprechauns? Or you’re talking about his political dialogue? Thank you, lovely compliment either way.
What strikes my while I read this marvellous piece Jonathan Swift would no doubt enjoy, I’m struck by the fact that if anyone had written a piece of fiction about the Trump candidacy and the presidency – basically House of Cards on blow humping Starship troopers, not one publisher or producer during the Obama administration would have bought it as is. There would have been dozens of instances where the writer(s) would have had to tone down or rewrite chapters/scenes. Frankly, the Trump presidency IS Starship Troopers. It was originally meant to be a hard and somewhat humorous look at what a militarised society might look like, except some viewers didn’t get the joke or didn’t even notice that there was one.
I truly hope the Starship Troopers presidency is ending, Trump already gave the world the Guardians of Star Force or whatever they’re called, I guess they’re supposed to be the real life version of the Mobile Infantry.
Fingers crossed the bugs don’t show up on the 20th
Simon, I’m so glad you mentioned WRT Starship Troopers that some people didn’t get the joke. I explained this to Michael Ironside, one of the stars of the movie, whom I had occasion to meet. I think that he thought that I was an idiot because he said, “it was supposed to be satire.” I said, “that’s obvious at the beginning, but then it morphed into melodrama and it was confusing what genre was up on the screen. Excuse me, but that’s why it fell on its butt because people didn’t understand it.” I then told Michael how I loved his Outer Limits work and we began talking about that, so I believe I came away having left a positive impression. But House of Cards on blow humping Star Ship Troopers is about as effed up and psychotic and improbable as the Trump administration has been. And I totally agree, if you tried to write Trump’s *presidency* as fiction, nobody would buy it for a minute. It starts with a glide down the escalator while paid extras watch and ends with insurrection and two impeachments? C’mon man — as both Joe Biden and Hollywood producers are wont to say. Thank you for the comparison to Johnathan Swift and your kind words. You’ve made my day.
You met Michael Ironside? Oh, his performance was perfect. I think part of the problem is they leaned too heavily into the 1940’s propaganda Hollywood “join the Navy, Air Force, Army” flicks. It was so sleek, so on the nose thematically, the comedy couldn’t quite shift the angle enough. It wasn’t Sacha Baron Cohen’s The Dictator, for instance.
Verhoven had the same problem with Total Recall – It’s not just a flashy sci-fi-spy combo it’s a critique of the capitalist system in overdrive. People can buy (into) alternative realities (sound familiar?) While others can’t afford the air to breathe (clean water, healthy food, sewer systems, healthcare anyone?) Maybe Americans can’t see it, or they don’t care, maybe only the citizens of Flint are able to relate on some level, but that movie is more relevant than it ever was.
Thank you for your pieces, they are always insightful, informative and sometimes even great fun to read. And thank you for sharing your thoughts, It’s much appreciated.
I love to do creative writing. I have two short stories in draft, both sci fi/fantasy, and I need to get them done. I’m just overwhelmed with the madness that is accompanying Trump’s exit. I also have a couple of scripts in draft — same genre — and one of them deals with the pernicious effect of alternative realities and suppression of truth. So all this percolates in the background while I write about the madhouse of politics. In the age of Trump our lives are political science fiction, so it is naturally in my wheelhouse.
I was trying the get some story out of my system back in 2001, tore a few days out of the calendar. Wrote it, rewrote it, scrapped half, re-wrote it. Finally satisfied, I go down to the local pizzeria for a slice, to get out of my own head, you know. Socialize, before I catch up on the studies and so on, and what do I see in the paper? Skyscrapers burning. I only found out 2 days after 9/11. So yeah, I get why you might be just a tad distracted.
I missed the first one but definitely enjoyed this one.
There’s a link to the first one in the first sentence. And you can find the first one on the front page of the site. Scroll down to where it says Must Read and the picture of the White House is the piece. I hope you do read it and enjoy it. Where we were four years ago and where we are now is so different — but Trump’s insanity hasn’t changed a jot.
Quite the script! Thanks for the laughs, Ursula!
I am so glad you like it, Meg. I really am. I love writing comedy, in particular.
“drinks bushes” Triple LOL!
As they used to say on Laugh In, Thanks, I needed that.
My favorite line was where Flannery was in the tunnels mending his shoes and reading fortune cookies with the mice as Mike Pence scurried by. I love that image. I see it on a movie screen in my head.
BTW, Sean, if you post a comment and it flips to moderation, don’t post it again. It will only do the same thing. I’m going to post a public notice on this.
Enjoyed that! Now bring that Script to SNL- Make it a weekly Continuos Skit! I ‘m always up til 3am! Bring it on! I need plenty of Laughter is good for the Heart!
If it’s not made in Scotland it can’t be called Scotch. I’m a cutty sark man myself.