(This was originally posted on Daily Kos on Christmas Eve, 2016. Ursula Faw thought you all might enjoy a reprise.)
‘Twas The Right Before Christmas
Twas the right before Christmas, and all through the states,
‘Thug legislatures were ginning up hate.
In Charlotte they dimmed the new Democrat’s lights,
In Columbus they nixed women’s health care rights.
‘Thug voters were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Trump Care danced in their heads.
And the wife in her sackcloth, and me feeling like crap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter!
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash!
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes was displayed,
But a gold plated Caddie pulled by exhausted Trump aides.
With a short fingered driver, so orange and plump,
I knew in a moment it must be Der Trump!
More sluggish than beagles his flunkies they came,
And he farted, and shouted, and called them by name!
“Now, Hannity! Now, Bannon! Now, Christie, Omarosa! I say!
On, Rudy! On, Priebus! On, Gingrich! On, Kelly Conway!
To the top of the porch! to the top of yon wall!
Now Drudge away! Drudge away! Drudge away all!”
As horse patties from horse’s rectum that fall,
And splat with a squish to the floor of the stall,
So up to the house-top his flunkies they flew,
With a Caddy full of noise, and Vulgarian too!
And then, stomach turning, I heard on the roof
The mewing and fawning of each little goof.
As I drew in my head, and was about to scream stop!!
Down the chimney Hair Fuhrer fell with a plop!
He was dressed all in chintz, from his head to my floor,
A bad Santa knock-off from his mill in Lahore.
A sack of foul juju he flung on my bed,
And he looked like an asshole, with a badger on his head.
His eyes-how they squinted! His sclera bloodshot!
His cheeks looked like Uni, his nose ran with snot!
His nasty little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the stumps he calls fingers look more like my toes!
A dumb smirk played over his porcelain teeth,
As sulfur encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a fat face and a big ole round gut,
An orange hued Santa crossed with Jabba the Hutt!
He spoke a half sentence, and went straight to his work,
Emptied all the kid’s the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying half finger aside of his nose,
He snorted a line and up the chimney he rose!
He slunk to his Caddy, gave his flunkies the whip,
And away they all vanished like a Somali jacked ship!
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he slunk out of sight,
“Thanks for the donation, sucker, welcome to the alt-right!”
This is my most favorite of anything Durrati has ever written. When I first saw this, in 2016, I phoned up a couple of friends and read it aloud to them. We were howling. I told this to Durrati in the comments threads and he replied that he was SO (in bold) happy that we liked it that much.
It’s a holiday favorite of mine. We’ll do every year.
Merry Christmas, Zoomers!
Worthy of a Christmas tradition- until it’s the only thing he’s remembered for.
This should be an annual Christmas Eve tradition here!
Miss you all at Kos but happy to enjoy you here! This is a classic!
Well, there’s no reason you can’t enjoy both sites so come over for a visit anytime! (And if you tell others over where some of us used to try and be a presence where to find us again, there’s no reason they can’t enjoy more than one progressive blog.)