In a sad day for Santa lovers everywhere, Sarah Palin bested Jolly Old St. Nick in Saturday’s June 11th open primary to replace the late GOP Rep. Don Young as Alaska’s sole representative in the U.S House. After a contentious campaign in which Palin accused Santa of sexual improprieties with an non-consenting elf, bringing presents to only good boys and girls and of being a “Bernie Bro” Santa only managed a disappointing 6th place finish.
Eager to learn the truth of these accusations, your curious Politizoom reporter managed to connect with Santa by phone at his workshop in North Pole Alaska, for this exclusive…but not necessarily reality based…Politizoom interview…
Dino: Hello, Santa my name is Dino…
Santa: Stop right there, Dino, I hope you are not calling to ask for a sex-robot for Christmas. Santa is seriously back ordered on that item and you really should be sending a letter…
Dino: No, no, Santa, as I was saying my name is Dino Durrati, a reporter for Politizoom, and I am calling to talk to you about yesterday’s election and the charges leveled against you by your primary opponent, Sarah Palin…
Santa: Ho, Ho, Ho.
Dino: Santa, I don’t think your heard me right…I was asking you about Ms. Palin.
Santa: I heard you fine, Dino, and you have my answer. And you can quote me.
Dino: mmmmm… moving along, what about Ms. Palin’s charge that you are a supporter of Sen. Bernie Sanders and you are, in fact, a socialist?
Santa: Those are the only things that that lying Hillbilly said about me that were true, Dino. I have called myself a Democratic Socialist, and I support Medicare Expansion, higher taxes on the rich and a concerted effort to shrink the gap between the rich and poor in our country. What other stance would Santa take?
Dino: mmmmm, I see. And what of her accusation that you had an improper relationship with one of your tiny helpers in the workshop?
Santa: Damnable lies!!! The truth is Mrs. Clause and I, especially me, well, we aren’t getting any younger and our therapist suggested some role playing games to …er … “spice things up”. Palin and her damned network of inbred trailer trash cousins must have observed us playing “Drop the screwdriver under the work bench” on one of our Thursday nights, and embellished from there. Don’t forget she said during the campaign that she could see Santa’s House from her doublewide…
Santa: Ho Ho Ho.
Dino: And Palin’s final charge, that you bring gifts only to good boys and girls?
Santa: Well, that’s the gig isn’t it? I mean, that’s hardly a state secret, hell they’ve written songs about it. Is it Santa’s fault that she and all her Republican colleagues and their deplorable followers keep getting coal in their Bombas? Guilty as charged.
Dino: Well, I guess that clears things up, Santa. My readers will be very grateful for your time. What are your plans now?
Santa: Why, Dino, I’ll be hitching up Rudolf and his crew and visiting every home in Alaska between now and the August run-off to campaign for the democrat Mary Peltoa, of course. I’ll make every effort to see that that harpy Palin does not win!
Dino: Ho Ho Ho
Santa: Exactly. And what can Santa bring you for Christmas, Dino?
Dino: Thanks, Santa, I think you’ve already given me my present.
(Those of you that might want to read some serious journalism about Thomas O’Connor, AKA Santa Claus, Dan Zak at The Washington post has an excellent piece up. WaPo is quite generous allowing you to step around their paywall a few times.)