Let’s Play PizzaGaetz, the Fun Game Where You Decide How Many Years Matt Is Going To Do

Just when you thought politics was getting normal, Uncle Joe would be boring like Obama,  and the biggest scandal would be Major Biden baring a fang, along comes PizzaGaetz, the latest sex frolic starring underage girls and political figures since Jeffrey Epstein took a powder in his jail cell — either by his own hand, or somebody else’s — a few years back. Matt “Florida Man” Gaetz, is in trouble plenty and he could go from the House of Representatives to the House of Many Doors, faster than you can say “underbussing.”

“He is adamant he never dated an underage girl. Federal prosecutors would have to show that it is indeed an underage girl and knew or should have known about it, can’t just put blinders on and walk away, you have to tie hotel rooms, plane tickets, expenses to sex acts. If that is not done, prosecutors have other tools in the arsenal. They can charge what’s known as statutory rape if found he had sex with a 17-year-old. That’s punishable up to 15 years in state prison. Also the crime of solicitation of sex with a minor, punishable up to five years in state prison. All these crimes that come with it, registration as a sex offender.”

Well, so far it’s five to fifteen, and registration as a sex offender. That’s considerable, but that’s just statutory rape and solicitation. The big ticket item is sex trafficking. Oh, mama. If Matt gets convicted of that…..

“Sex trafficking, especially when it comes to minors, is treated very seriously at the state and federal levels, punishable up to life in prison. It requires a minor to be recruited, enticed, harbored, transported, maintained, provided for commercial sex acts. That’s a broad definition. As far as commercial sex acts, it is any sex act in exchange for anything of value. And that would include hotel rooms, flights, expenses, things Matt Gaetz has provided to his dates.”

Now we’re at five to life. So let’s develop this game, shall we? First, we have a board in the shape of a pizza and you spin the dice and pick up cards, and the cards tell you what to do. Something like this:

1. Throw snake eyes — Matt Gaetz goes into the kitchen and puts his pepperoni in the oven, so to speak;
2. Throw nine — Matt Gaetz descends the staircase to the dungeon, where an hallucinating MAGA calls him “Hillary” and opens fire with an AR-15;
3. Throw five — Tucker Carlson jumps out of a linen closet and throws Matt Gaetz down the stairs to the dungeon, so he’ll STFU about their double dates;
4. Throw eight — Matt Gaetz finds the secret tunnel to Mar-a-Lago and sets off the fire alarm, drenching a sleeping Trump;
5. Throw twelve — Matt Gaetz finds the secret tunnel to Mar-a-Lago, sets off the fire and burglar alarms, the Secret Service shoots him, the fright gives Trump a heart attack, Carlson trips on an onion in the kitchen, breaking his neck and Gaetz, Trump, Carlson and Jeffrey Epstein all end up as roommates in Hell — which is too much, even for Satan. He throws them out of Hell and into orbit, ala Superman III.
6. I have a better one, see my comment below.

As a bonus, take a look at this clip with Gaetz and Carlson. Watch the first ten seconds or so carefully. Carlson goes from his listening face, to pissed off, as soon as Gaetz drags him into the story. Look at his eyes change — or am I imagining things?

“You and I went to dinner… I brought a friend of mine. You’ll remember her.” pic.twitter.com/eyV0o61vFZ

— southpaw (@nycsouthpaw) March 31, 2021

Matt, Matt, saying this to Tucker privately would have been in questionable taste. Laying it down on live TV, on Carlson’s show — that plays out as combative. You don’t have enough enemies, Matt, you want to alienate Tucker, too? Just another adventure in sociopathy, right there on Fox News.