It makes sense that reviews of Melania are only just now coming out, on the big premiere day. These reviews would scare the bejesus out of any moviegoer. The New York Times decided to forego a review of this opus, instead talking about what a comeback vehicle it is for director Brett Ratner. Um…how do you discern that this picture is a comeback vehicle without discussing its merits? Don’t ask me, go read this non review puff piece on Ratner. Thank heavens other periodicals are not so frightened off. The Guardian is apparently not afraid of the wrath of Trump, so they did an actual review, unlike the Times. (Before you begin, a “hagiography” is a biography of a saintly figure. Bear that in mind.)
Melania’s appears an entirely airless existence, in which she glides solo about gilt corridors in silence, David Lynch-style, observed by tight-lipped heavies. All her staff dress in deference to her, mostly in black, but sometimes – as in the case of her interior designer – in a matching camel-coloured three-piece suit. Candidates interviewing for assistant roles have also got the memo, lining up in a sea of monochrome, with buttery hair and prominent cross necklaces.
About 30% of the film is devoted to high-stakes fittings for her inauguration outfits. “My creative vision is always clear and it’s my responsibility to share it with my team so they can bring it to life,” Melania explains in voiceover. This translates to her telling them to cinch stuff in. “More tension, tighter,” she commands about a collar. A coat needs to skim nearer her hips. A hat brim is reprimanded as “a little bit wiggly-woggly”. “I don’t know if we can cut it,” frets one assistant tailor about a blouse, to stressed violins on the soundtrack. […]
At one moment, Melania places her hand on her husband’s waist in a careful and significant gesture that is movie-shorthand for “we still have sex”. Filmgoers can also witness their continued passion when Donald attempts to negotiate her big hat and lean in for a kiss. “Nobody has endured what he has endured over the past few years,” she reports in sympathetic voiceover. But for most of the film, the couple are apart. He phones her at one point to brag about some sort of immense domestic political victory. “Great, well done,” she says, in the manner of someone trying to get a cold-caller off the line. […]
The 20 days shown in the film include one spent at Jimmy Carter’s funeral and an afternoon at a memorial ceremony at Arlington cemetery. All coverage of the former is devoted entirely to a meditation on mourning her own mother, who died a year ago that day. It includes a very lengthy sequence in which she books out St Patrick’s Cathedral in New York so she can stalk around in private reverie, watched by stony security guards and grinning priests. At Arlington cemetery meanwhile, she cuts an unmistakably mafioso figure, striding in stilettos beneath a brolly and nodding significantly at strangers. The perkiest she gets during inauguration day itself is when she’s walking through a crypt.
That last line is pretty condemning but wait, there’s more.
As well as constantly referring to herself as a world leader, and lengthy pre-credits title cards totting up her accomplishments, Melania makes a number of dramatic statements about her ambitions in office. These include the desire to “break all norms”, totally reinvent the role of first lady and consider how lawmakers might better do their jobs – something she thinks about “constantly”. Judging by the genuflection of those around her, such a self-image is not entirely unwarranted. “I’ll go everywhere with you, no problem,” Brigitte Macron tells her over video call – and she does mean policies, not sightseeing. Nor is Melania above including snarky shots of her husband’s predecessors: we see Barack Obama looking downcast at the inauguration, and Kamala Harris mardy while checking her watch.
Melania’s a world leader, didja know? I didn’t. What I knew is that she finished dead last in a survey that historians did of first ladies.
BREAKING: Historians have ranked Melania "dead last" in last place behind all other First Ladies in terms of favorability.
She's finally keeping her husband company somewhere.pic.twitter.com/Txq7vf3Bvg
— Really American 🇺🇸 (@ReallyAmerican1) January 29, 2026
Finally, the Guardian opined that Melania: The Motion Picture will not revolutionize documentary filmmaking.
Anticipation was high that the sum ($28m) paid by Melania to herself for not just starring in the film but producing it and overseeing much of the post-production, including the trailer and marketing, might result in something fresh for an art-form struggling to surface new voices. Sadly, such hopes will be dashed. Melania turns one of the most politically significant moments in recent history into an exhaustingly boring and chillingly vain autohagiography. Towards the end, Melania says of inauguration day: “Today was so rich with meaning, and since each moment was historic and filled with purpose, time no longer mattered.” It feels like a disclaimer for a film that demonstrates nothing of the former and feels like it lasts for ever.
Now we get to wait and see how the box office does. Today is the big day, folks. And if you’re sitting at Amazon right now, you’ll be happy to see $5 million roll in on a budget of $75 million. This makes sense to somebody.
Maybe “Last Lady.” She’s actually earned that one. Does anyone else think they’re trying to create a new cult, so that when her husband croaks, she can step in? God help us all if by some stroke of fate that were to happen.
It hadn’t occurred to me that she’s trying to take over MAGA. That won’t happen. Melania is strictly a visual creature. Every time she opens her mouth she stumbles. I don’t see her leading the MAGA troops. Barron would have a better shot at it and he’s never opened his mouth publicly.
Dammit Roger! Did you HAVE to load me up with that appalling image of “Melanie” being the cult-leader of MAGA when Mother Nature finally does her job and turns Don-Old into worm food? (not that worms would get anywhere near HIS rotting corpse – Someone trying to sing The Hearse Song about Trump wouldn’t get past the first line before saying ‘f*ckit!’) After god knows how much brain bleach I’ll try to remind myself that it’s damned near impossible for a cult leader to be a cult leader if they don’t have an actual personality, however outrageous to project. Melania has the personality of a used mop.
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I can’t see her as an Indira Ghandi figure, or even an Evita Peron, she’s more of an Imelda Marcos one.
I’m fairly sure she has the requisite number of shoes.
There has apparently been some word of a stage musical, but finding music discordant enough to match the visuals would be difficult, though her daughter-in-law is well qualified for it.
And imagine the appeal of something you can’t watch, combined with something you can’t listen to.
So they’ll probably try it.
The Kennedy Center needs to show something.
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Haven’t seen it. Want my money back