Exclusive! Trump Blows Out Stained Glass Window At St. Anne’s Cathedral /s

Washington, DC August 21 -PZ

In what appears to be yet another hole in the wall of sanity and competence that the Trump White House is trying to construct, it was reported today that President Donald Trump himself took part in bringing down the stained glass window at St. Annes cathedral.

A witness on the street, Felix Martinez, referred to it as “an Executive drive by shooting.” Man, I ain’t seen nothing like this in years! I mean, the motorcade is zipping down the street, then suddenly everything slows down, the rear passenger window of the limo comes down, out comes the barrel, and Blam! Blam! Down comes the stained glass window. Up goes the car window, and the motorcade speeds off. It was incredible!

Another eyewitness had an even more intimate view. St. Anne’s pastor, Paddy O’Toole was actually inside the church when the shotting occurred. As he told our reporter, It scared the Holy Sh*t outta me! Sweet Jesus. 1:35 on a Thursday afternoon. Thank God the place was empty. I was on the kneeler at the aisle of pew three, chatting with the boss, bitchin’ about my arthritis, and how you just can’t get good corned beef for less than $10 a pound these days, and there were these two loud gunshots, and the stained glass window came down like some kind of Sinead O’Connor video or something!

When contacted for confirmation and comment, the White House was as always self contradictory. Thursday PM Press Secretary Eva DeHeil stated that The White House is not prepared to confirm that President Trump even owns a 12 gauge shotgun, but even if he does, this was a perfecctly legitimate use of Presidential power. After all, it is well known that during her life, St. Anne was well known for harboring and sheltering illegal immigrants. And in President Trump’s America, it doesn’t matter what religion you are, or how holy you are, nobody is above the law!

Immediately following the incident, several pedestrians simply walking along the street were grabbed by heavily padded and masked ICE agents and thrown into waiting vans, which then sped off. This was followed by a phalanx of National Guard troops closing off the street and telling people to Move along, there’s nothing to see here.

On a related Washington note, there was a disturbance at the Pentagon today. Shortly after 1:30, banging and screaming was heard from the office of the Secretary of Defense. When staff broke in, the Secretary was jammed on the floor into a corner, furniture knocked over, and yelling, They’re coming for me! The Green Men! Can’t you see them?! They’re all over the place! A defense Department spokesman, Lt. Fox Mulder explained that this is not unusual on days when the Secretary lunches at the Silver Cheetah strip club.

I thank you for the privilege of your time.

Nota Bene. 

For any of you not completely sure, yes, this is a satirical article based on no facts, other than the Defense secretary being a drunken maniac. While these won’t be a daily feature or anything like that, when I come across something so absurdly stupid that it accurately parodies the insanity of the Trump regime, I’ll do these. Each one will be clearly marked with the  /s  in the headline so you’re prewarned.

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