This is a satirical play. It is the sequel to Smuggled Out Of Washington…the Real Story Of Trump’s First Day In the White House. That was written on January 20, 2017, one of the most depressing days in the history of our republic. That was the day Donald Trump moved into the White House and began the desecration of all we hold sacred. This is the bookend piece, written a few days before January 19, 2021, the day Trump moved out. Who knows, maybe it happened just this way in another dimension? Put your feet up, pour a glass of wine and enjoy.
INT. WHITE HOUSE. OVAL OFFICE.
ANNOUNCER’S VOICE
And that’s 232 votes to 197, as the gavel comes down. Donald Trump makes history as the first president of the United States ever to be impeached twice.
CUT TO: CLOSEUP JAKE TAPPER, CNN
232 is an unlucky number for Donald Trump. It’s the number of electoral votes that he got, losing to Joe Biden’s 306 electoral votes. Now today, the House votes to impeach him, by 232 votes. Maybe Trump should consult a numerologist?
SFX. GLASS SMASHING AS TRUMP RIPS THE TV OFF THE WALL AND HURLS IT TO THE FLOOR.
VOICE IN THE SHADOWS
Wheeee!! Watch it there boyo, ya almost hit me in me noggin! I’m not getting hazardous duty pay for this job ya know!
TRUMP
(jumping in fright)
AGGGHHHH!! It’s you! That horrible little man in green! I told Mike about you! He said you were a demon!
FLANNERY
(comes into the light and lights his pipe)
Mike Pence probably is too dumb to know a leprechaun from a demon. They don’t like him in Ireland much, I’ll say. They don’t like his Mother Machree schick nor the homophobia, and we won’t even talk about the hypocrisy. Me cousin Bertha who works in the Taoiseach’s kitchen wanted to poison his prawns but we talked her out of it. “Let him go back to the states and rot there,” we said. “We don’t need his dead carcass stinkin’ up the joint around here.” She saw the error of her ways and put the rat poison back in the cupboard.
TRUMP
What are you doing here?!? I haven’t seen you since the day I moved in!
FLANNERY
That’s exactly why I’m here, Donald. I’m here to see you move your arse out.
TRUMP
NOOOO!! I’m still president!! Rudy said so! He’s going to fix it!! And Sidney and Lin!! They’re all going to fix it!!! (He climbs on top of the Resolute Desk, curls up in the fetal position and begins to rock back and forth sucking his thumb.)
FLANNERY
Now Donald: let’s have a wee chat, shall we? Ya got away with murder for the longest time. Ya called the Mexicans rapists — when you’re one. You insulted a prisoner of war, for being a prisoner of war — when you’re a fookin’ draft dodger. And you got away with it.
TRUMP
So?
FLANNERY
So didn’t it occur to you who was really runnin’ the show?
TRUMP
EYE was running the show! I’m the star!
FLANNERY
No, ya odmahun. You only thought you were runnin’ the show. The Devil is runnin’ the show. You’re so dense that ya missed the point when it all switched over, and went from your narcissistic buffoonery into something more sinister. How do you think ya got away with it all? I mean, Donald, ya called a man’s wife ugly and his dead father JFK’s assassin — and he became your ally? And then ya bragged about grabbin’ women’s privates — and the family values voters said you were their boy? And then ya said another man was mental like a child molester — and he joined your cabinet? Does this seem normal to ya?
TRUMP
You’re talking about the GOP.
FLANNERY
Point well taken. I’ll give you that. But even for the GOP things have been a bit stranger than usual since you came along. Now let me tell ya how it is, Donald. You’ve got to get out of here, so that nice Uncle Joe can move into a freshly exorcised home. I was tellin’ him just yesterday to leave it all to me and me kinfolk, we’ll get the place squared away.
TRUMP
Biden knows you’re here?
FLANNERY
Oh, Joe and I have been pals for years, are ya kiddin’ me? I used to love to perch on his window sill and hand him a bunch of violets and chat. He had a bottle of Bushmill’s stashed away in the bookcase. He said he kept it, just for the two of us, for our visits. I was so touched. And I’m so glad he’s going to be around the house again. Can’t tell ya how I’ve missed him. Him, and sanity and decency. It’ll be nice to see ‘em all come back through the door. And so we need to get you gone, because your very presence cancels out the forces of light. It’s that way when the Devil has taken ya for one of his own.
TRUMP
NOOOOO!! I’m staying!!!! (starts to assume the fetal position again and pounds his tiny fists)
FLANNERY
Suit yourself. Here’s how it goes. The longer you stay obstinate the more you’re going to lose.
TRUMP
NOOOO!! I’m getting it all back!! Rudy says!!!
FLANNERY
Donald: you don’t seem to get it. You went from committing metaphorical murder to committing literal murder, just last week. You sent Mike Pence scurryin’ into the tunnels. I know because I was down there mendin’ me shoes and readin’ fortune cookies with the mice and I watched it. The shadows of flames started to flicker on the walls and I knew you were done. You sealed your fate. It’s up to you if there’s to be anything left a tall. Now, let’s take inventory shall we? In just the past week, you lost your beloved Twitter…
TRUMP
NOOOOOO!!!! I HAVEN’T LOST IT!! DORSEY WILL GIVE IT BAAAAAACCCK!! HE HAS TOOO!!! (breaks down sobbing hysterically)
FLANNERY
Jack won’t do a thing different. Me cousin Sheila is assigned to Jack. Leprechauns are assigned to the children of the Emerald Isle, ya see, sorta like guardian angels. Sheila banned ya herself while Jack was asleep in Polynesia. She told him about it the next day. He said fine.
TRUMP
WHUUTT!!!
FLANNERY
Oh, yes. Let me tell ya how it works. When the Irish are in power, the leprechauns’ power rises. We’re talking about the real Irish here, not Pence or McCarthy, they’re just odmahuns with Irish names, not worth the powder to blow ‘em to Hell. And so with Uncle Joe in the White House, we can work our magic — finally, after a long time, and once again. We were goin’ full bore during Camelot. It was an age of grace and marvels for this country, the wonder years, some called it. That was all our doin’ the wonder part. But then we were comin’ in after Eisenhower, and that’s a sight different from having to pull the country forward after your seditious stint. This is going to be a hard haul. But we’ll do it, we always have.
TRUMP
But I don’t have to GO!!! I’m gonna get back on TOP!! I always do!! Vladimir!! He’ll start taking my calls again and then I’ll get back on top!! WAAAAHHHHHHH!!!
FLANNERY
Well, let’s see what ya have left to lose, shall we? You don’t have the golf tournament, the PGA took that…..
TRUMP
WAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
FLANNERY
And then Signature Bank gave ya back your money and put out a statement tellin’ ya to resign — and so did the Wall Street Journal — and then Professional Bank, that loaned ya eleven million bucks just two years ago said don’t darken their doorstep again, they don’t want your business. Same with Deutsch Bank. They’re bein’ a little more coy, but same thing…..
TRUMP
WAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! I’m gonna tell my followers about you!! You’ll have 88 million people after you tonight, with tiki torches and pitchforks!! You just WATCH!!!! (furiously pounds away on a small box)
FLANNERY
Donald, that’s a calculator. Ah, where was I? Oh yes, and then Shopify took down your online store, so there’s no money there, and then the Brits — who loathe you almost as much as the Irish — said they weren’t going to do the British Open at Turnberry and….shall I go on? Because Donald, the longer you stay here and fight it, the more the Devil takes. Quit while you’re ahead. You can’t win. And you’re playing for stakes much higher than an election, you’re playing for your soul — even if it is two sizes too small.
TRUMP
WAAAAHHHHHHH!!! (smashes another coffee pot) I’m not going anywhere!! I live here!!! I’m the president of the United States!!! Some little green man with a stick who gives flowers to Joe Biden and drinks bushes isn’t going to tell me what to do!! I’m the president! You can’t talk to me that way!! You’re real low life, you’re three feet tall!!! And nobody wears a stupid hat like that!!! It’s low class!! And what are you smoking in that pipe!?!
SECRET SERVICE MAN
(on phone)
Hello, Bill? Are you getting this? Yeah, I think it’s time to call Ivanka, too. No, don’t talk to Mr. Cipollone. Just get the doctor. And get the electrician, too, would you? There’s some kind of green light coming from under the door. You hear the fiddles, too? I thought that was just me. Yeah, weird.
THE END
I love your writing, Ursula. This was great.
Camelot huh? Methinks Flannery needs to work a wee bit harder.
Damn I needed a good crackin’ up this morning, Ursula, and this was it – thanks!