Exclusive! Tales From The Front. A Trump Ride Along Diary /s

This one is for Denis

This report comes to Politizoom from our star freelance journalist, Judas Kizzazz, who risked all in order to go undercover and join President Trump in his “Ride Along” with the National Guard troops patrolling Washington, Dc tonight    

• 6:05 PM – I arrived at the jump off point at least an hour early. I mingled with the National Guarf soldiers, passing out cigarettes, shooting the sh*t, and trying to integrate myself so that nobody would notice me when it was go time
• 6:33 PN – The Secret Service shows up in force, preparing for the arrival of the President. They set up a checkpoint, and ran the guardsmen through metal detectors. This created a problem, since the guardsmen were carrying more heavy metal than a Metallica concert. An argument broke out between the Secret Service lead and the mission commander, which became ugly
• 6:48 PM – Two ICE vehicles and a van loaded with well padded and masked men shows up, screeching to a halt. The ICE agents jump out, grab several guardsmen, and then throw them into the van, which then speeds away. This appears to be a totally gratuitous action, meant only to impress the President that they’re on the job
• 7:17 PM – The presidential motorcade arrives, and the President hops out. By his garb, mostly what he reminds me of is George Dukakis zipping around with his head sticking out of the top of the tank. He starts mingling with the soldiers, not shaking hands, and at one point asks the group, Hey! None of you guys are disabled vets, are you?
• 7:29 PM – The transport vehicle is finally loaded. The President sits in the middle, surrounded by Secret Service agents. This causes a seating shortage, requiring several guardsmen to ride on the tailgate, hanging on for dear life
• 7″44 PM – President Trump bellows out, Hey! Isn’t there any air conditioning in this thing?!
• President Trump asks a guardsman siting near him, Hey! What part of Washington is this, Detroit
• 7:59 PM – President Trump orders his sercurity chief, Jesus Christ! I’m sweating my ass off here! Give me some room! This leads to a series of elbow jousting duels between the Secret service detail and guardsmen already jammed up against the metal sides of the transport
• 8:04 PM -President Trump bellows out to the guardsmen, Hey! If any of you guys see anything funny going on, you have presidential orders to shoot-to-kill!
• 8:21 PM – President Trump bellows out, Hey! Which of you fine soldiers wants to buy your Commander in Chief a double Baconator and an order of fries? The Wendy’s is closed while the Secret Service mobs the kitchen to oversee the preparation of the burger and fries
• 8:52 PM – After several contented belches, the President tells his chief of security, Enough of this sh*t! I’m gonna miss Hannity. Get me outta here! The transport returns to base
• 9:12 PM – The Truck stops and President Trump launches himself out of the transport and back into the presidential limousine, muttering Enough of this shit! What a total waste of time!
• 9:14 PM – The presidential motorcade departs the base, lights flashing and sirens screaming, and takes the President back to the White House

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. This is the kind of hard nosed, hands on, in-the-sh*t journalism you can only find at Politizoom. Stay tuned, and keep those cards and letters coming.

I thank you for the privilege of your time.

Support the site with a subscription today and see no more ads!

Go Ad-free Now!