Come and listen to my story ’bout a man named Jed. A poor mountaineer barely kept his family fed The Beverly Hillbillies
You know, the 2016 Dennis Hastert Award for political opportunism has to go to nobody other than former Vice President Mike Pence. I’ll explain.
For his entire career, Pence was by all accounts a total political non entity. In all his years in the US House from Indiana, after he left to become Governor of Indiana, it was discovered that the vast majority of the GOP House caucus had no idea who the hell he was! Few people can clearly recall him ever even saying anything.
But the man had a skill unique to Indiana, and he rode that skill all the way to the Governor’s mansion. What was that skill? He was by far and away the most sanctimonious, boring far right bush burning goober in a state chock full of far right bush burning goobers.
But then his luck ran out. In 2016 he was facing a tough reelection battle for Governor, which he was projected to lose. Then the RNC decided that Traitor Tot could use some churching up, and Pence was rammed down his throat to make him more palatable to the Evangelical goobers.
For Pence’s career, this was the political equivalent of kissing a frog, and having a prince appear. All Pence had to do was to stand back and shut up, his finest qualities. Even if Trump lasted until 2020, he was almost assured to win another term, take the ride, and wait for the phone call of a presidential coronary. We all saw how that worked out.
But after today, I’m pretty confident we’re about to see a redux of the Mike Pence saga, only in four years instead of eight, and instead of bush burning goobers, we’ll have collard greens and possum stew rednecks.
In 2016, Traitor Tot thought that he had found the perfect chump. Just stand him up behind you, do your thing, and watch Pence bob his head up and down like one of those stupid plastic dogs on the back shelf of the car. But Karen got Pence a spine for Christmas from Amazon, and suddenly Pence was noose bait.
With JD Vance, Trump tested him seven ways to Sunday. And Vance excelled. For all his shortcomings, Pence had one thing going for him, he had success. He was elected to the US House, as well as Governor of Indiana. Pence could think when required.
JD Vance is nothing more than the bought and paid for hooker of GOP mega donor Peter Thiel. Vance rode through college on Thiel, then got his first and only post graduation from Thiel, who put him in his organization and groomed him. But Vance is a congenital f*ck up. He took the only company that Thiel ever entrusted him with and ran it into the ground in record time. In desperation, Thiel begged Trump to back him for a Senate run in Ohio, then bought him his seat. Vance is the sort of f*ck up that won’t take a leak without Glorious Bleaters permission. Just what Trump was looking for.
The problems started all the way back in the campaign. The Hillbilly Imbecile is one of the worst public speakers in history. He runs his sentences together, nods at inopportune times, and manages to step all over his few applause generating lines. It quickly became clear that His Lowness could not send him anywhere on the campaign trail other than the deepest red districts, where his Trombies would love him simply because Emperor Gluteus Maximus told them to.
But Vance has a hole card to play. And that card is the fact that he’s the sitting Vice President of the United States. And as a general rule, when a President is a lame duck, the sitting Vice President has the prohibitive inside track to the next nomination.
But not this time. For the simple fact that nobody in the GOP, even Trombies, actually like JD Vance. FDR, JFK, Clinton, Obama, all of them had d down home sincerity that made them instantly likeable. Having written Hillbilly Elegy, you would think that Vance would be right up there with them. But in person he comes off as one of the most shallow, cowardly, two-faced, insincere people you’ve ever seen in your life.
And that is the backdrop in front of which Traitor Tot dispatched the Hillbilly Imbecile to Georgia yesterday, to hold a faithful combination come-to-Jesus-moment, pep rally for Il Douche’s Big, Beautiful Bill. The only problem with that is that the only thing more unpopular than Trump’s new tax law is Vance himself.
And Vance shares a common trait with Traitor Tot. Neither one of them actually wants to do the f*cking job! They’re both in it for nothing more than the power, prestige, adoration, and whatever scams they can pull to fill their pockets. As unpopular as that law is, even with an allegedly friendly crowd, Vance should have spent hours with his handlers, memorizing quick, funny retorts, and canned, dummied up explanations to reassure the crowd. Vance did neither, and he bombed.
It’s Politics 101. Right now Vance is Traitor Tot’s wingman. Trump dispenses him, and he goes to spread the Gospel of Saint Con. But these trips are critical to a budding campaign, since he should be using it to begin to introduce his own persona, his own personality, and his own ideas. And Vance has nothing to show or espouse. You’d get a more realistic performance from Disney’s Hall of Vice Presidents.
And 2028 is not going to be JD Vance’s friend, I don’t care how much money Peter Thiel throws around. 2024 was a notable election on the GOP side for the simple reason that you had a plethora of presidential wannabes step into the primary against the prohibitive front runner in FrankenTrump. His handpicked RNC would take whatever measures necessary to ensure His Lowness got his last shot.
They got into the race in order to introduce themselves nationally to GOP voters, and to start burnishing their street creds for 2028. Nikki Haley, the Flop Gov, The Ratty swami, were all out there pissing to mark their territories for 2028. And you can look for others, like Larry Hogan, who sat out 2024 to seriously consider running in 2028, when the GOP primaries will be nothing more than a cattle call.
And what was Vance doing during the 2024 primaries? He was sitting at his desk iin the US Senate for the first two years of his term, accomplishing absolutely nothing. In fact, if Traitor Tot hadn’t picked Vance for his running mate, nobody outside of Ohio, and at least half of Ohioans wouldn’t even know he was in the Senate.
Barack Obama served in the Illinois House and Senate before going to the US Senate. He was two thirds of the way through his first term when he announced for President, and got clobbered in the Democratic primaries for his total lack of experience. If Vance runs, he’ll have twenty four months in the Senate under his belt, and four years of a phone in job with no actual responsibilities. The primary field will make sushi out of him.
And I’ll close with this. Trump will continue to send Vance on the road trying to shore up the base. He has no choice. Traitor Tot no longer has the stamina, or the attention span to politic, even to friendly crowds, and as he becomes more unpopular, the crowds will become less adoring. This is Vance’s opportunity to shine, to show executive leadership, but of course he doesn’t have any. This is going to be fun.
I thank you for the privilege of your time.
Vance’s opportunity to shine?
I can’t detect the faintest glow.
He’s a black hole of charisma.
Gospel of Saint Con *falls over laughing*
Vance would be better off standing a cardboard cutout of himself on the stage and keeping his mouth shut. Too bad he doesn’t know how. I had no idea he was in my state. I think I need to get out the power washer to clean up after him. Ew. And this is *southern*.
Let him eat phucking cat. Would you like fries with that order?