*To preserve any remnant of integrity or dignity that I may have remaining as a writer, I want to assure everyone that I am aware that there is nothing newsworthy below. I also know that Urs already went over the basics. I want to go slightly deeper because I desperately want at least a big part of this to be true. JM
While the entirety of MAGA world was in a fury and thinking about how they could get ahold of something powerful enough to shoot down a balloon, Don Jr. did the smart thing. Instead of wasting time shooting at something the size of three school buses that could land in the Nashville suburbs, Junior went down, way down, underwater, to shoot a fish almost as big as three school buses. Kidding. The fish isn’t even the size of one school bus, but you definitely don’t want it falling on your head, either. It is huge. And that’s why Junior was smart to shoot it underwater and not up in the air.
If you are dumb enough to have Don Jr.’s phone number while also in the mood for some fresh sushi or the world’s biggest tuna fish sandwich, you’re in luck. According to Junior, no fact check, not newsworthy, he shot this big ass tuna:
And he claims he caught it Aquaman style: (I desperately want this to be true)
I’m not sure about the story. pic.twitter.com/tsvDtYfEtB
— Ron Filipkowski 🇺🇦 (@RonFilipkowski) February 4, 2023
Obviously, I am not buying the 50 feet underwater (the fish could have been 50 feet underwater, I guess, and Junior shot straight down. Or someone else caught it with a rod.) But it’s within the realm of possible that he shot it in 20 feet of water… maybe.
But I want it to be true!
I’m secure enough in myself to admit that if most of this story is true, that’s pretty damned cool. It is the “if true” part that is important because something is fishy.
There’s a rope tied here where it should be connected to a boom crane but it’s been photoshopped out. Nice try Jr. pic.twitter.com/ldoJ4fnSU4
— Chris Barrett (@Chris_Barrett) February 4, 2023
If that kind of photoshop is the only part that is a “lie,” then it’s still pretty cool. He is obviously not “lifting it” (It probably weighs 250 lbs), but even keeping it upright would be almost impossible one-handed.)
Twitter had some thoughts, excuse me – doubts, but remember, I’m sort of “onboard” with this, which is ironic because that’s exactly where I would be while Junior was diving in cold water.
If only Junior had Wonder Woman’s plane, he could’ve speared the balloon… admittedly, fresh Tuna tastes a lot better. Balloons can be a bit gamey.
Why do I want this to be true? Because if Junior starts taking a huge interest in Tuna hunting, it will keep him too busy to go to Africa and shoot a highly intelligent, extremely beautiful, almost defenseless, and endangered animal.
Plus, I want some sashimi. Of course, I can barely afford a tuna fish sandwich made from those cans that keep getting smaller. Still… maybe I can shoot my own. The ocean is only 20 minutes away from me… But something tells me it’s a bit harder than Junior is letting on.
****
[email protected], @JasonMiciak, SUBSTACK: MUCH LEFT ADO
Given a full grown tuna can grow to almost 10 feet and 1000 lbs, and the average is 500 lbs., it’s crystal clear not only the rope and mechanism to hoist it are photoshopped, there’s nothing real in this picture. Oh, except the cokehead, who fell in the pool.
Which raises the philosophical question, ‘How real is DT Jr anyway?’
He’s a real fuck-up.
WTF man, how stupid does one guy have to be to think the public will not see thru his pathetic attempt appear manly.
I attempted to mock with scalpel humor. Didn’t work. Not one LOL in comments.
Hurt.
I’m okay. I’ll be back!!
If he weren’t real, would we have been obligated to invent him?
Scott. You are not playing along. I want parts to be true bc it makes the lies tha much more pathetic.
No one dives 50 ft and holds their breath for 2 minutes. No one. The pressure starts to get to a normal person at 25 ft.
So, I want him to have shot the fish. I want it to have been from a boat with illegal bait…
You’re not playing along.
I am kidding, friend. But you aren’t playing.
Sorry Jason. Lololol. As Charlie Chaplin said “a day without laughter is a day wasted”; not meaning the same kind of ‘wasted’ we used to proclaim around our friends. Keep up the good work!
I can see it now: The real tuna diver speared it and transported it to where DTJr was waiting with his weapon (like the old lion he and his twit brother bagged after it was virtually placed in front of them) so he could “shoot” it. He shot it with a gun? a spear? what?