Hellfire After Hillbilly Oligarch Raises Level Of River For His Amusement

Ancient Greek mythology taught that “the gods mock us for their sport,” believing in a pantheon of gods, all gathered together on Mt. Olympus, looking down upon us mere mortals. In this day and age, we have not gods, but morally dwarfed men with access to power and resources that they should not have and which they abuse. J.D. Vance fits right in. At a time when Donald Trump is slashing research budgets and his entire administration is anti-science, Vance ordered the Army Corps Of Engineers to modify the water flow in an Ohio river so that he wouldn’t scrape the bottom of his canoe. Can’t have that, now can we?

The request from the US Secret Service was made to “support safe navigation” of the US vice-president’s security detail for an August outing on the Little Miami River, according to a statement by the US army corps of engineers (USACE).

Vance was spotted in the south-western Ohio area on 2 August, his 41st birthday, according to social media posts that noted he was seen canoeing on the river, a tributary that Caesar Creek Lake feeds into.

One source with knowledge of the matter who communicated with the Guardian anonymously alleged that the outflow request for the Caesar Creek Lake was not just to support the vice-president’s Secret Service detail, but also to create “ideal kayaking conditions”. The Guardian could not independently confirm this specific claim.

The news raises questions about whether Vance’s office was potentially exploiting public infrastructure resources for his personal recreation at a time when the Trump administration has cut billions of dollars in foreign aid, scientific research and government jobs as part of its “efficiency” drive.

The vice-president’s office did not respond to a request for comment.

The Guardian first approached the USACE in Louisville for a comment about the change on Tuesday. Publicly available data on the US Geological Survey (USGS) shows a sudden increase in the river level and corresponding drop in lake elevation during the early August days when Vance was vacationing.

Hey, help yourselves, fellas. Anything you need. The resources of the United States are there for you to exploit and steal at will, amirite? The blowback from this was what you would expect.

Democratic strategist Adam Parkhomenko wrote on Bluesky, “Trump says Epstein is a hoax. Meanwhile, JD Vance just had the Army Corps raise the water level of a damn river… for a birthday kayak trip. These guys aren’t just corrupt they’re cartoon villains.”

He added: “One’s lying about pedophiles, the other’s playing God with public infrastructure so his canoe doesn’t scrape bottom.”

Clara Jeffery, editor-in-chief of Mother Jones’ Center for Investigative Reporting, chimed in on Bluesky, “Low key one of the worst [abuses] of power ever?”

She added in separate posts,” Feel like Tim ‘we portage in the boundary waters MFer’ Waltz can have a total field day with this one,” and “The way this guy uses family vacation time to continually troll and abuse America is quite something.”

Josh Marshall‪, founder of Talking Points Memo, joked, “Pls, this a well known Appalachian folk way, having the army corps of engineers redirect a small river for you boat outing.”

“This is a real, ‘I wanna be first in queue for the guillotine!’ move by JD Vance,” chided filmmaker and actor Josh Ravenwood on Bluesky.

And this is what J.D. is doing his first year in office. Can you imagine what he’ll be up to in 2027 or 2028? What’s next? Painting the Washington Monument black for a Halloween party? Using the Lincoln Memorial for an all night disco blast? Hey, we want J.D. to have whatever he needs, now don’t we?

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