Garrett Epps wrote a blistering article for the Washington Monthly yesterday that led with my favorite John Kerry tweet of all time. (Seriously, John Kerry? Whodathunk?)

On March 27 of last year, Kerry wrote:

Breaking news: Congressman Massie has tested positive for being an asshole.

The “let’s not offend anyone” mushmouth that derailed Kerry’s 2004 presidential campaign has long since disappeared. So, why was Massie an asshole in March 2020? Who cares? (He was holding up the coronavirus relief bill, of course, like any self-respecting asshole would.) He’s still an asshole today, and now a potentially lethal one.

Massie (R-Dipshit) is one of a number of idiotic House members who demand the “right” to carry firearms onto the House floor. The other day, after Speaker Pelosi had metal detectors placed at the doors to the House chambers, Massie just stormed right through them carrying — well, we don’t know what he was carrying. A pistol, maybe. Extra ammo clips in his jockstrap, perhaps. A backup derringer in his — you get the idea.

Massie says the Founding Fathers gave him the inalienable right to carry whatever kind of firearm he desires onto the House floor. He told the Murdoch-owned New York Post that preventing assholes like himself from carrying weapons onto the floor of the House chamber violates

the part [of the Constitution] that says you can’t be stopped coming or going, you can’t be detained coming or going from the House. It just says that, very specifically.

Actually, it doesn’t say that at all. Surprise.

Murder moppet Lauren Boebert (R-Sedition), who may be one of the Congressional members who told the January 6 insurrectionists how to find the House members hiding from them, also insists she has the unfettered right to come onto the floor of the House packing heat:

The metal detector policy for the House floor is unnecessary, unconstitutional, and endangers members.

Not sure how letting Spree Killer Barbie on the floor of the House with her Glock doesn’t endanger members.

Add Louis Gohmert (R-Kill Em All), who is fighting for the title of America’s Dumbest Congressperson against a raft of new contestants such as Boebert, to the mix of murderous Republicans who want to drag their gats into House deliberations. He said:

Article 1, Section 6 of the U.S. Constitution contains specific language prohibiting Members of Congress from being impeded on the way to a session of the House or to a vote.

Imagine the hours Gohmert must have spent in front of the mirror, practicing saying, and remembering, the words “Article 1, Section 6” over and over again.

Epps, however, knows more about the Constitution than the entire Chucky Caucus combined. He wrote:

The idea that the police cannot stop—or arrest—Members of Congress on their way to or from the chamber is widely held. It is based on Article I, Section 6, Clause 1, which provides that members “shall in all cases, except treason, felony and breach of the peace, be privileged from arrest during their attendance at the session of their respective houses, and in going to and returning from the same.”

It surely does say that. But it doesn’t mean that if Gohmert decides to stomp his way into the House chamber carrying an axe and a sign around his neck reading “IMMA CUT A BITCH TODAY” that he can’t be impeded. He may think that. He also thinks injecting bleach into the lungs cures COVID-19.

Those who have an actual understanding of the Constitution, such as Epps, who moonlights as a professor of law at the University of Baltimore, says Gohmert, Boebert and the rest of the Street Sweeper Caucus don’t know what the blithering fuck they’re talking about. In fact, they have it precisely backwards.


Epps wrote:

[T]he language is the Framers’ roundabout way of saying that members are liable to arrest on any criminal charge. The “privilege” clause protects them only from arrest in civil lawsuits. In the 1908 case of a House member arrested for land fraud, the Supreme Court examined legal authorities stretching from Elizabethan England to Justice Joseph Story, and explained that the “exception” from immunity from arrest—“treason, felony and breach of the peace”—in fact, means any criminal law: “[t]he privilege of immunity extends to civil arrests only and does not apply to any indictable offense.”

Example six million, nine thousand and three of Republican morons insisting that the Constitution says something it absolutely does not.

If Massie, or Gohmert, or the Murder Moppet, or any of them try to carry an unlicensed firearm on their way to the Capitol or on their way to their D.C. home, they can be arrested by the D.C. Police. If they try to shove past, or around, or through the metal detectors on their “Constitutionally sanctified” way to the House chambers, they can be arrested by the Capitol Police. Guns can be, and are, banned on the House floor. And it is a federal offense to carry a weapon into the Capitol building — with one exception. Congressional members can carry a firearm into the Capitol “in the lawful discharge of [their] official duties.” Not sure how a Congresscritter would use a pistol to discharge their lawful duties, unless discharging a bullet into a Democrat’s head is part of their official duties. (Massie and the others might well try to make that argument.)

Epps also wrote:

And, for that matter, some members—I won’t mention Josh Hawley or Ted Cruz—might want to remember that it’s a crime to “conspire to overthrow, put down, or to destroy by force the Government of the United States . . , or by force to seize, take, or possess any property of the United States.”


No guns in chambers, assholes.

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  1. I would have thought that trying to force one’s way past a security guard would constitute a ‘breach of the peace’, especially when the guard is mandated to be there

    • There cannot be ANY simple way to avoid a stop by authorities, the whole river of pig crap that would fall on you if you were to display a weapon in chambers of our Congress, even like a little kid showing other children a gun that they found unlocked in their parent’s bedroom, would create an immediate crisis … there are standards of practice involved for ALL vetted Congress critters … don’t even bother thinking about carrying a weapon into the Capitol … there are RULES, mostly to keep people alive, even the most stupid among them …

      I agree, daithi, there should be a charge made against ALL mob members doing those horrendous and stupid things in OUR Capitol …

      • There’s a very strange tradition in the Brit parliament. If you look at a photograph, there are two red lines on the floor – one in front of each set of benches. They are exactly two sword lengths apart and they were put there to prevent members literally duelling during a debate

  2. I’m not sure that using facts, reality and logic in going up against these people is working.

    Their mental development seems to stop at age two.

  3. For some reason I don’t think being able to fondle and stroke their guns anywhere on the Capitol grounds as part of their mastubatory stimuli is enshrined in the Constitution. Hey, if they wanna get their own rocks off even on the House floor who am I to judge? Weird but what the hell. I don’t even care if they’ve got a sex toy on their person (I recall Ted Cruz getting mailed dildoes a couple of years back!) if that floats their boat. I do however think it’s fair to draw the line at sex toys (of which a firearm would certainly qualify) that is specifically designed to kill other people. A LOT of people with a LOT more training with firearms have gotten careless and accidently fired off a shot while playing with their guns. I’m talking cops in case you’re wondering although plenty of others have also fired off a round accidently. If everyone is lucky no one is hurt. But sometimes the only luck is bad luck and tragedy ensues. I think it’s fair to classify these “I got my rights and can carry my GUN wherever I want” types as fetishists. GUN fetishists to be specific. And the thing about people that have a fetish over an object is that they CAN’T resist playing with that object of their fetish. Since we are talking guns, many of which (and specifically certain types that THESE idiots would carry) don’t have safeties I don’t want the deadly combination of them and their GUNS together anywhere on the Capitol grounds. And that goes double for inside either the House or Senate chamber!

    • And, Denis, the way some Republicans are known to have meltdowns over issues in Congress, “accidentally” discharging a firearm on the House or Senate floor could easily become a reality. (Consider tRump having had a firearm in the White House! ?) They act like they want us all dead anyway!

  4. I kept wondering about “breach of peace”. And all the Founding Fathers ideas and arguments for and against.

    Civil versus criminal. Indictments. Okay.

    But they don’t follow all the rules. That’s for others.

    Did they miss the one about “Each House may determine the Rules of its Proceedings, punish its Members for disorderly Behavior…”

    Being in the House of Representatives is a job in the Constitution. It doesn’t make one, or especially these fools. superheroes.

  5. I understand that it’s illegal to carry firearms in DC if you’re not a peace officer. What’s the excuse that these people are using?

  6. The suggestion I liked was that their voting cards, which they need on the floor, only get activated by walking through the metal detectors.

  7. Maybe Gohmert and the rest might want to take a look at a different clause in the Constitution. Namely, Article I, Section 5:

    “Each House shall be the Judge of the Elections, Returns and Qualifications of its own Members, and a Majority of each shall constitute a Quorum to do Business; but a smaller Number may adjourn from day to day, and may be authorized to compel the Attendance of absent Members, in such Manner, and under such Penalties as each House may provide.”

    And, more pointedly, the start of Clause 2:

    “Each House may determine the Rules of its Proceedings, punish its Members for disorderly Behavior, and, with the Concurrence of two thirds, expel a member.”

    The Constitution lets both the House and Senate set rules by which all members are expected to abide. It’s no different from if you want to visit me in my house. If I say, “No guns in the house,” then you don’t bring a gun into my house. I don’t give two figs about your 2nd Amendment rights–you don’t bring the gun inside. The same applies to your free speech rights (just try being a kid backtalking to your parents and try the “free speech” argument to justify your “sass”) or your religious freedoms. You’re a guest in my home; you’re expected to abide by my rules. And if you don’t like it, then get out and I won’t even mind if the door hits you where the DOYC done split you.

  8. I had a really good belly laugh over your descriptions of the Congresscritters (and the nicknames you gave them!), Mike. Thanks for making my day!


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