Go Ahead Marjie, Make Your Move. I Dare Ya!

You know, at this point, I think about the best thing you can say about Machine gun Margie is that, if she could learn how to hold her arms up like a referee signaling a touchdown, she’d make a nice coat tree. But only if somebody wrapped duct tape around her mouth.

What is it with these redneck yahoos? Every time they don’t get their way, their first tantrum is a threat to secede from the US, and set up their own southern Utopia. Shit, Texas did it so often you could almost set your watch by it.

The funny thing is, they always make it sound so simple! The way they make it look, the renegade states, I’ll call them the TSA for Traitorous States of America call up a bunch of Articles of Sedition in their state legislatures, the Governors sign them into law, and the states all turn to face south and moon Washington DC. What could be simpler, especially for people whose national pastime is NASCAR racing, watching 32 fools drive around making left turns for four hours?

It’s anything but simple. For two reasons. First, there are several steps that these loose cannons are going to have to have already done and have in place to make it work. Second, they have to think of what they’re giving up, and how to replace it. First lets look at a few of the things they have to do, or already have done;

• They have to create a new National flag. Hell, they might just as well bring back the good old Stars and Bars, everybody already has one anyway
• They’re going to have to create a new national government. And forget the simple shit like a treasonous President and a new national legislature. That’s child’s play. I’m talking about things like a new postal service, a new national  court system, a national investigative body to replace the FBI. They’re going to have to set up their own national education body, healthcare body, social welfare body, and an infrastructure body, because the good old US of A isn’t going to run this shit for a foreign country
• They’re going to have to set up their own national army. This should be fun. Let’s see how all of these weekend warrior fools who run around the woods blowing up grandpa’s old pickup like some real discipline and order
• I love this one. They’re going to have to create a new national currency. Which begs the question. What’s going to give their new Southbucks value? The United States currency isn’t just backed by the full faith and credit of the United States. It’s also backed by all the gold in Fort Knox. Which belongs to The United States government. What are these knuckleheads going to use, empty Buckhorn beer cans collected for recycling?

That was fun, and it’s all true. But now let’s look at some of the things that the new South government is going to give up on the day they spread their wings and fly;

• The southern states had better be ready for their highways to get real shitty, real fast. It’s US federal funding that provides billions of dollars a year for repair and upkeep of the Interstate highway system. That goes bye-bye when you drop your pants.
• Your major college sports revenue are going to take a hell of a knock in the wallet. After all, it’s the National Collegiate Athletic Association. And that stays with How many times can Alabama play Auburn, or Texas play SMU in a year?
• The same thing is true of all of your professional sports teams. The ruling bodies such as the NHL, NBA, NFL and MLB are all based in the US. I’m sure you could apply for membership, but until then, your teams are going to get real familiar with each other
• Southern states like North Carolina, South Carolina, Florida, Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, and Texas had better be ready for the brave new world! Because when those pesky hurricanes hit, and you know they will, it’s sayonara to the good old days of national emergency response and FEMA assistande
• And here’s the capper. I don’t care what southern state it is, has multiple US military bases in it. Those are all going to go bye-bye, and they’ll take their equipment and infrastructure with them.
  And what happens to all of the local jobs that are employed by the military bases? And the revenue that US military personnel spend in those lovely communities. And here’s the hole card. While Governors may direct the National Guard, they’re soldiers under the command of the US army. Think we might take our equipment back when we leave. And how many guardsmen are you going to have left when Uncle Sam stops paying them?

Believe me, that’s just s sample of the reasons why I laugh like hell every time these birdbrains start screaming Secession! It’s the same thing with those loonies who want California to secede and become like the 7th richest country in the world. News Flash! for the cranially challenged. It took 242 years to create the massive behemoth you hate so much, but which gives you so much. You can’t build it on the fly, or on the cheap. Hell, even your own beloved CSA found that out. You wanna scare me? Don’t bring a duck to a cock fight.