All That Trump Wants For Christmas Is Your Phoned-In Thanks — Plus A Contribution


Trump’s picture should go in the dictionary, next to the words “insecure” and “weak.” This is his latest ploy to both swell his coffers and smooth his poor hurt fee fees.

A thank you message for Trump, huh? Thank him for what, another 500 point plunge on the Dow, or the soaring deficit? How about the terrific assistance Puerto Rico got, and how Flint’s water is simply swell right now — or how about thanking him for the incredible people he introduced to our government? Scott Pruitt, Ryan Zinke, Tom Price, the whole motley crew. Too bad Nixon’s not here, he would surely like to thank him for making him look so timid and quaint by comparison. And surely Dubya appreciates the fact that he looks like Thomas Jefferson next to Trump. Now Dubya should indeed pick up the phone and dial that number, Dubya genuinely has something to be grateful for.

As to why the Trump campaign’s doing this, that’s easy. Grifters gotta grift, this is just the latest. And also, as empty as Trump is, he undoubtedly needs to hear how everybody loves him. Be sure to weep on a few messages that you leave, because Trump loves nothing more than to talk about how people, strong men in particular, are prone to break down into tears of gratitude in his presence, as they thank him for “saving our country.” He tells a lot of anecdotes about these people, who miraculously have never been seen or heard by anybody other than Trump himself, although they form a major contingent, so we are told, of the crowd at any given rally. Could they be pookas?

A mouth and an ego, anchored to a few strands of cotton-candy-that’s-been-pissed-on-hair, and held up by an asshole. That is the totality of Donald Trump. And in this season of thanks, we are supposed to be glad for this? I’ll thank him when he resigns.

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