Okay, it is time to stop. The parents are home, the popcorn needs to be picked up, Coke cans need to be in recycling, turn the television off, this is getting absurd. After trolling Canada, Mexico, and Greenland (“51st state, Gulf of America, We Take You!”) and, in particular, unilaterally renaming the Gulf of Mexico (The official American government name is now the Gulf of America), the GOP seems to be just loosening up in its new role as the most annoyingly persistent bully on the block, always ready to take a cheap shot from behind a guy, all in the name of pretending to be tough, to be more “alpha” than you, they don’t give a sh*t, libtard. But now comes Rep. Buddy Carter, who has a new one that should take supremacy if it sticks – wanting to rename Greenland, even though the place belongs to someone else. I guess “we” don’t care, we’ll call it what we want?
Carter wants the U.S. government to make a deal to acquire the newly rebranded “Red, White, and Blueland” – and yes, that is actually true, this is a thing, and no – pounding your head against the wall will not make it stop. According to reporting by The Hill:
The legislation, called the “Red, White, and Blueland Act of 2025,” directs Interior Secretary Doug Burgum to oversee the implementation of the name change and to ensure official documentation and maps refer to Greenland by its updated name.
The legislation also authorizes Trump to enter into negotiations with Denmark “to purchase or otherwise acquire Greenland.”
Okay, but a couple of things, Ace. First, there is no indication that Donald Trump felt in any way constrained in his ability to “take” Greenland, and thus the enabling legislation, while well-intended, is hardly necessary. Second, you could have authorized the acquisition of the world’s biggest island but waited until it was actually acquired to rename the place. Last, for the love of God, there has to be something better than your stupid name! How about “Ameriland” or “New Massachusetts” or “Trump Island” – though we likely shouldn’t give them any ideas because you know that half of the House GOP Caucus would love to propose to name it after Trump.
Meanwhile, Carter thinks it is on now:
“America is back and will soon be bigger than ever with the addition of Red, White, and Blueland,” Carter said in a statement Tuesday, after introducing the legislation.
“President Trump has correctly identified the purchase of what is now Greenland as a national security priority, and we will proudly welcome its people to join the freest nation to ever exist when our Negotiator-in-Chief inks this monumental deal,
Proudly welcome its people? If the pattern holds, the land will be very blue (Native First Nations citizens, “Northeast,” “Island,”) and thus you can bet that the place won’t be declared a state with two new senators – it only has 55,000 people to begin with. Even Wyoming, the least populated state, has 750,000 folks. It isn’t going to be a state, more like the new Puerto Rico (Which really should be a state) – it will be some kind of territory, if acquired at all. Except there’s the rub, there is no indication that Denmark is interested in selling the place, nor that Greenlanders have any interest in becoming Americans, never mind becoming Red, White, Bluelanders. What does Trump plan to do? Invade? We likely shouldn’t give them or him any ideas.
But leave it to the GOP and someone like Buddy Carter. (If it wasn’t him, it would’ve been any number of the 200 or so others.) The island has no desire to become an American territory, we certainly haven’t acquired it yet, we don’t know yet how it might be acquired, nor that Denmark wants anything to do with us, either. So there it all stands, except the U.S. House of Representatives now has a bill in front of it renaming a place we don’t own while allowing Trump to go ahead and “own it.”
Jesus, these people. Nothing good will come of this but something will come of it, watch.
God Bless: I can be reached at [email protected] and on X at @JasonMiciak and now on Bluesky.
Netherlands?
Fixed – – 2:00 a.m. column. Sorry to all.
jason
Denmark and not the Netherlands owns it.
Denmark
Thank you. I should know better than to do columns at 2:00 a.m. – and I’m forever getting my low countries mixed up with my Nordics, you know? Why don’t we rename all of them!
jason
Carter is proof that kissing Trump’s pasty posterior results in the loss of at least 20 I.Q. points. Since Carter was likely on the low end of normal, I have to wonder if he can tie his own shoes now.
You’re assuming he had 20 IQ points to lose in the first place.
Carter (R-MAGASuperStupid) is probably reacting–about 2 weeks late–to an article posted on Big Think (though he probably has no idea how to get to the site and, given the site’s name, he would probably react to it in the same way that a vampire does garlic or the crucifix). The link to the story is https://bigthink.com/strange-maps/greenland-buys-america/
And, in the article, a map is provided (the particular link takes you to a series of articles called “Strange Maps”) which would show a new map of North America after Greenland buys the United States (the map, incidentally, was created for the article, not the site’s usual MO) with the USA being officially listed as “Amerika (Kalaallit nugaata ilaa),” meaning “America (Part of Greenland).”
And, for what it’s worth, the folks in “Greenland”–especially the natives–call their country “Kalaallit Nunaat.” I sort of imagine they’d probably prefer “foreigners” use THAT name.