“Everything Trump touches dies” (Rick Wilson of the Lincoln Project)
There’s a corollary to the above statement which is that ‘Everything Trump touches turns to sh*t.’ Hey, he’s turned into a magnet for flies. There are too many reports out there about how he literally stinks. Kind of makes me wonder if my sometimes description of him as a flaming orange human rectum is closer to reality than I imagine. Well, you’re probably wondering what the connection between Jimmy Carter, Annapolis graduate, former Naval Officer and submariner (and nuclear engineer) and Donald Trump who is often (and accurately) referred to as a ‘Turd Emperor” or “Turd God” is and submarines. Well, if one imagines the U.S. (or any country) as being a “Ship of State” a President is the Captain. In the Navy subs are called “Boats” instead of “Ships” but the principle holds. And thinking of Trump, sh*t and disaster there’s an actual real life incident of a submarine captain sinking his Boat by taking a sh*t!
I’m not kidding. Jimmy Carter graduated from the Naval Academy in only three years due to an accelerated schedule but he was still at Annapolis when WWII ended. Shortly (weeks) before the war in Europe ended a U-Boat Captain on one of their new class of impressive subs had to answer the call of nature. Yes, the warfighting capability of this new class of subs was more lethal. But there were some internal changes too including a new high tech toilet that could be flushed directly into the sea while the boat was submerged. I’m sure you can imagine how cramped things are on a sub and not having a big tank to hold human waste until a long submerged sub could get back to the surface mattered.
The problem, or issue was that such a system had to operate at HIGH pressure and required a complicated series of steps. Crew had to be specially trained to use it and it was complicated enough that while all were supposed to be trained on how to flush the freaking toilet more commonly a handful of crew were assigned to ensure each step was taken in the correct order. For good reason as we shall see.
The official report by the Captain probably wouldn’t have held up had the war not ended so soon afterwards. A few weeks after that sub sank the last thing the German Navy had time for was an investigation. However, all but four of the crew survived and the tale of what REALLY happened got out. There are humorous accounts like this one by Mental Floss titled The Turd Reich: The Turd Malfunction That Sank A German U-Boat. I thought it was a fun read and you might too. But I figure anyone reading this would want to read from a more credible source about the incident instead of the whitewashed Wikipedia version. Having been a jarhead, I’ll cite The Military Times story on the incident. Although The Military Times and its service-centric offshoots is a serious newspaper even they couldn’t resist a hint of ‘toilet humor’ in their article.
So what happened? How did Germany lose a freaking U-boat over someone taking a dump? Keep in mind that for a Naval vessel at sea the Captain is God. And needs to be seen that way all the way down through the ranks. That’s even more true of a submarine submerged in enemy waters close to the coast of an enemy country. Just eight days into its maiden combat voyage Captain Adolf Schlitt (yes, that was really his name and yes it’s awfully close to the word for what led to this disaster) had to take a dump while the sub was submerged. As we know from our own experiences in life sometimes that bodily function is REALLY foul smelling. Rank to the point of disgusting and on a sub which already stinks of body odor and other stuff this was SO bad it seems he didn’t want anyone to know he was the one who stunk up that part of the boat so badly:
The boat was just eight days into its maiden patrol when its captain, 27-year-old Karl-Adolf Schlitt, heard nature’s call to expel the sort of bodily ordnance that rhymed with his name.
The captain’s constitutional relief, however, soon turned to psychological stress when the complicated flushing mechanism proved too difficult for the young officer to operate.
Schiltt summoned an engineer for help, but when the crewman confidently turned an incorrect valve, a mixture of sewage and seawater burst through the compartment and spread to other parts of the submarine.
Again, having the crew whispering jokes about how bad his sh*t stank isn’t the kind of thing a ship or sub’s captain wants or needs. So the good Captain decided to flush the complicated toilet himself instead of summoning a crewman he knew would get it right. And again I emphasize the process involved operating a series of valves in an EXACT order and yes it was complicated hence all the training. Which hadn’t “taken” with the young captain. He screwed up and had no choice but to summon help. Which also screwed up and the toilet overflowed and flooded the area.
That’s when things went from bad but only hugely embarrassing for Captain Schlitt to far, far worse. Below the flooded area was the sub’s battery compartment! As the mixture of “organic matter” and water flooded into the battery compartment it reacted with the acid in the batteries creating a deadly chlorine gas that would quickly kill everyone on the sub unless they got to the surface and could “snorkle” in fresh air. Alas, they were in enemy waters (close to Scotland) and quickly spotted.
Schlitt did the only thing he could which was to destroy the classified equipment on the sub (after first somehow destroying the head where he took his infamous dump), getting his crew into lifeboats and scuttling the sub. (It was found on the seabed some 70 years later) I noted earlier Schlitt’s official report tried to blame some anonymous crewman by claiming he was at the front of the boat when the whole thing started. Well, there are no secrets on a sub and as the war ended so soon afterwards with almost an entire crew with gums flapping the truth (more or less) got out – a variation of the old saying “he that smelt it dealt it.” Who to believe? Captain Sh*t Schlitt or his crew?:
“I was in the engine room, when, at the front of the boat, there was a water leak,” he said, deflecting any and all fecal responsibility.
But as the ancient Bavarian saying goes, “He who denied it, supplied it,” and most accounts place the young captain in the head during the accident.
So how does all this tie together? Carter graduated in the top ten percent of his class at Annapolis. He went on to become a fine Naval Officer and nuclear engineer, helping move us into being a nuclear Navy. When due to his father’s death he resigned his Commission he was slated to become Executive Officer of one of the new Sea Wolf nuclear subs. From there he’d have Captained his own boat and by all accounts was on his way to an Admiral’s flag someday.
Trump? Well, no one in his family on either side has served a day in uniform. As for submarines I’m not sure Trump’s fat ass could even fit through the hatch to enter one. And even today using the head (flushing) on a sub isn’t as simple as pushing a handle. It’s easy enough to imagine Trump excreting a bowl full of not all the way digested burnt steak and ‘hamberders’ and it stinking so bad he wouldn’t want some crewman to smell it while operating the toilet for him. Then flooding the area around the head he’d used. I suspect design nowdays would prevent the kind of accident that took place on U-1206 but still…
I shudder at the thought of Trump once again Captaining the American Ship of State. Because everything he touches dies, or turns to sh*t. As we’ve seen, things can literally turn to sh*t on a ship at sea and with disastrous consequences. Trump will cover everything in sh*t if we can’t stop him much of the time. And like that ill-fated U-boat sink the mighty ship our ancestors built.
Anyway, in the days ahead the country will learn more about Carter’s military service. And be able to compare it to the lack of ANY service from Trump. Let’s all do our best to help highlight that contrast, and others too.
I would’ve been far more impressed with the story if the German captain’s surname had been something like Schleisse (the German word for “excrement” is Scheisse) but who wants to have to explain the necessary wordplay?
I see your point. Both of them and agree with both. However folks like certain things straightforward and the combination of rhyme and spelling (Schlitt vs. Shit) makes it easy to laugh. It’s wild but the whole saga is. The only thing sad about it is that four sailors died because Schlitt/Shit was embarrassed by how nasty the dump he took smelled and didn’t want his crew to find out. That’s another reason to rope in Trump because he’d be just like Schlitt/Shit. Try to hide how nasty a mess he’d crapped out and screw up flushing a toilet AND sink his entire boat in the process.
FYI folks, given the subject I came close to including some full-blown sophomoric fart humor but while there was an absurdity to the loss of a submarine (not to mention four lives) I thought a more gentleel approach like The Military Times took was more appropriate. Still, as a onetime submariner I can easily imagine Carter indulging one or more of his grandkids to sit through the comedy Down Periscope. I’m sure he groaned plenty but being a good grandpa stuck with it.
To set the scene for what’s below, Kelsey Grammer was given an old WWII diesel boat by an Admiral (played by Bruce Dern) determined to wreck his career. Grammer’s sub was to hide during a search excercise from a modern boat – the one he’d been XO of in fact before his “promotion” to Captain of his own boat. His old CO’s boat caught a whiff of their position and as they approached Grammer’s boat went dead in the water and silent. One of those “don’t even breathe loud” situations. His crew of misfits did their best but alas, the cook was in the galley and though not cooking (too much risk of noise) did decide to taste something out of an open can – with the “search sub” also stopped right above them listening. And he ripped a LOUD, long fart. Blazing Saddles campfire scene worthy.
Keep in mind how bad things can smell on a sub after a while, especially the old boats that don’t have modern air filtrations systems. So we had the reaction not just to the noise, but the smell that spread through the boat and it’s hilarious. At least if you like juvenile humor. I’ll guarantee you if Carter got roped by grandkids into watching that with them he tried his best not to laugh, and in the end burst out doing so!