It all started last week when Twitter user @rickrudescalves, who must really hate JD Vance, cracked a joke about the VP pick as an adolescent placing a latex glove between two couch cushions and proceeding to have relations with said glove. That tweet has since been deleted but it read:

“can’t say for sure but he might be the first vp pick to have admitted in a ny times bestseller to fucking an inside-out latex glove shoved between two couch cushions (vance, 𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘣𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘨𝘺, pp. 179-181).”

As sometimes happens, Rick’s tweet hit Twitter’s funny bone and went viral. Even after the tweet was taken down the meme it created took on a life of it’s own and made so much noise that the Associated Press fact checked whether Vance had ever made it with his mama’s furniture. Yes, that is a thing that happened:

But Alejandra Gularte at Vulture.com tells the story better than I do:

“Everyone remembers their first time: a first love, a one night stand, maybe even an apple pie. However, according to social media, Donald Trump’s vice presidential pick, JD Vance, had a memorable fling with one of his roommates— a couch in his Appalachian home growing up. It was a joke tweet that went a little too viral, and now no one is willing to confirm the big question of the moment: Did JD Vance actually fuck his couch or not?

How did the relationship rumors start?

Last week, Twitter (Okay, X…) user @rickrudescalves posted, “can’t say for sure but he might be the first vp pick to have admitted in a ny times bestseller to fucking an inside-out latex glove shoved between two couch cushions (vance, 𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘣𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘨𝘺, pp. 179-181).” And since most people don’t have a copy of Hillbilly Elegy on hand, they didn’t have a way to verify (maybe people just watched the movie.) They also could’ve read the tweet and felt it was probable enough to believe, or more realistically, they realized they had to worry about bigger things like President Joe Biden dropping out of the race. Either way, JD Vance did not have sexual relations with that couch, at least not in the book and none that anyone else can prove as fact.

Why can’t outlets firmly deny the couch allegations?

One tried and deleted the article. Associated Press posted a piece titled, “No, JD Vance Did Not Have Sex With a Couch,” getting straight to the point. But it did not last very long as it was eventually retracted. AP confirmed to Semafor reporter Max Tani that the article was removed as “this story didn’t go through the wire service’s standard editing process.” Or, as one X user speculated, AP couldn’t confirm that JD Vance has never, ever in his life had sex with a couch. Or if the couch was velvet, leather, polyester, a love seat, a sectional…“

After a start like that it seemed everyone had a take on it…


Damn straight and bravo, Lawrence…


Yup


🤣🤣🤣


🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂


🤣🤣🤣


😂😂😂


🤣🤣🤣


😂😂😂


Yup


😂😂😂😂😂


Yup


🤣🤣🤣

Finally, Trump was forced to make a statement himself, attacking the couch’s character…


🤣🤣🤣

If Trump hates being laughed at Vance is as good as gone.

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11 COMMENTS

  4. All the tweets were great but those last two guy’s videos had me laughing like hell. After the Trump impressionist was done I thought about something he didn’t say. No mention of golden showers. He could have worked in something about getting even with the couch – calling up his buddy Vlad to dispatch a couple of Russian hookers to give it a “golden shower” like with the bed the Obamas slept in. And saying the nasty, lying couch deserved it! Oh well.

    10

  6. I have never laughed SO long and SO hard since tRump schlepped down his creaky golden elevator with his trophy wife Melatonin in 2015! Thank you, Dino! This is one of the best articles POLITIZOOM has published. I hope tRump AND JZ Vance see it. And like the one comment said, this is just plain payback for all the lies tRump spouts, especially the one about “radical left doctors performing ‘abortions’ after birth.” Touché, you lying sacks of crap! Y’all just got exactly what you deserve! More of this, please!

    8

  7. I, for one, don’t believe Hoodlum’s tweet for a second. Vance would’ve told Sarah to take off the dress, and then get the fork out of the room so he could be “alone” with the dress.

    6

    • Before clicking on the article to read it I looked at the small version of the title pic with ‘what the hell is THAT supposed to be?” frame of mind. If only it had triggered my ‘get out the brain bleach’ reflex. EEEEEEWWWWW! Couch f**king? I thought ShowerCap’s Devin Nunes constant reference to Devin Nunes’s ‘pig f**king’ was gross but this? I’m surprised that in is weekly rant (every Fri. night) Cappie didn’t revive the Nunes gag and pair up pig and couch f**king. I thought about writing a column on it today and even made up my own meme for a title pic. The theme would be a play on the jokes about Lyndsay Graham and fainting couches but something else has been eating at me so I dropped it and posted an entirely different article instead. However, maybe folks will get a kick out of the title pic I created:

      2

  9. I suggested sending old IKEA catalogs with just the couch section left in to their campaign offices and Cancers Senate office in D.C. and Ohio…

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