When Politics Meets Performance Art. The GOP Speakership Farce

I’ll admit it. They’re so cute and funny when they try. The House needs a new Speaker. And for all the world idjits like Matt Gaetz, Jim Jordan and Steve Scalise look like a bunch of seven year old’s. In their jeans, with one of Dad’s business shirts on, misbuttoned of course, the sleeves and tails hanging down to their knees, a knot in the tie that would do their Ked’s laces proud, and clomping around in Dad’s dress shoes like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Everything needs to be washed or dry cleaned, but dammit!, they’re just so adorable!

The GOP’s search for a new Speaker, which ran on network television for a couple of years with the title of Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader, is a master class of what happens politically when secrecy collides head on with self serving performance art. And it’s not like this should have come as a surprise to the flying monkeys of the Teabagger caucus. If the January Speakership debacle taught them nothing else, it should have been Don’t ever do this dumb sh*t again. But it was perfect for their purposes.

When this whole sh*t show started, for a few almost amazing moments it appeared as if the Freedom caucus may have gotten the message. They swore that it would be different this time. They were going to go into a secret closed door meeting, and wouldn’t break the seal or say a word until they had a candidate capable of getting the 217 votes to become Speaker. Will wonders never cease?

The fact that this is so amazing is proof positive of how bone jarringly stupid it is. Because that’s the way it’s always done. Back in 2018, in return for the Speaker’s gavel again, Nancy Pelosi cut a power sharing deal with the younger, more progressive caucus. Pelosi would serve a maximum of two terms, while senior leadership gave promising young progressives positions of power, and then mentored them to prepare them for their transition.

And that’s exactly how it went. In 2022, after the midterms, the Democrats went into a closed caucus session, and when they came out, there were a new House Minority Leader, House Minority Whip, and House Minority spokesman. And the old guard stood there, announced them formally, and the transition was complete.

I swear to God, the Freedom caucus could f*ck up a one car funeral. True to their word, the GOP caucus went into a room large enough, and everything covered in plastic for easier cleaning later, and locked the door. And then, early this afternoon they unlocked the door, and proudly announced they had a candidate for House Speaker who would be formally nominated from the floor.

*Sigh* Same old sh*t, different day. When they announced the results of the secret ballot, House Majority Leader Steve Scalise had garnered 113 votes, and House resident village idiot Gym Bag Jordan received 99 votes. To put it in context, the GOP caucus narrowly preferred a Kloset Klansman to a chickensh*t wrestling coach. But none of it matters.

Because here’s where remedial 3rd grade math comes in. 113+99=212. But it takes 217 votes to become Speaker, and Scalise doesn’t have them. and by the looks of it he has no quick, sure and certain way of getting them. But the House GOP circus just couldn’t bear to finish the job before the clowns couldn’t resist parading the elephant down the middle of main street.

And they’re right back where they started from, but this time the clown shoe is on the other foot. In January McCarthy had a solid 200 votes, and scrambled to get the 20 recalcitrant Freedom caucus weasels to vote yes. This time Scalise is starting out with a measly 113 votes, although Jordan has said he will nominate Scalise from the floor, and urge his voters to support Scalise as well. And Bratty Matty Gaetz is throwing his support behind Scalise as well. Which means exactly d*ck.

Back in January McCarthy knew exactly where to go, Gaetz and the Freedom caucus pirates, they held the votes. Scalise and the freebooters have no single point of contact to negotiate. They’re all independent contractors, and since Gaetz let the kittens out of the kennel, they’re all meowing at the media with their kvetches.

Freedom caucus member Ken Buck is bummed because he asked both Scalise and Jordan if Biden won the 2020 election, and neither would give him a straight answer, in a secret meeting. Also, neither would give him an honest answer on top line spending numbers for budget negotiations if they were the Speaker. A South Carolina representative won’t vote for Scalise due to his David Duke without the baggage comment.

At least two more have made it clear that they won’t vote for any Speaker unless they have an ironclad in writing guarantee that the first order of business after the election will be a motion to the floor reforming the House rules so that one moronic frat pledge with a sweater vest can’t start this same lame sh*t all over again six months from now. Another one wants a guarantee that the first order of business will be a floor vote to expel Bratty Matty Gaetz from the House GOP caucus. And at least three McCarthy loyalists are planning on voting for McCarthy from the floor in petty revenge.

Gaetz is swearing that the GOP won’t call for a floor confirmation vote until they have the 217 votes sewn up. But it doesn’t matter! Gaetz, Scalise and Jordan have already hung the dirty wash out on the media clothesline, and it’s clear that they didn’t add any detergent into the washing machine. The media lives for this sh*t. They know exactly who the holdouts are, and they know just how to milk them in order to do their own whip counts.

So much for keeping it under their hats. Sooner or later, the GOP is going to have to put a name forward and hold a nomination vote. Until then it’s open season on House GOP leadership as the media gleefully reports on their impotence. And once that first vote takes place, it likely starts another endless vote-o-rama possibly taking more votes than McCarthy did. The more things change, the more they stay the same.