Three Reasons Why Biden Will Clean Trump’s Clock On Thursday

You know, that’s the funny thing, and one of the worst things about being involved in a cult. Since every word that comes out of Glorious Leader’s pie hole instantly becomes holy writ brought down from Mt. Horeb, everybody immediately goes all in. And when it turns out that The Cheeto Prophet is full of sh*t, everybody is running around looking for spatulas to get all of that egg off of their faces.

Pretty much from the day he declared his Get out of jail free candidacy, Traitor Tot had already decided on his insulting moniker for Biden to use in his public utterances for his base, Sleepy Joe. After all, Biden is three years older than Trump, so it’s a natural. also, Trump cruises around a golf course in an electric cart five days a week, while Biden only rides his mountain bike around on the weekends, so Trump is in much better shape. And while Trump is like Wyatt Earp, he comes into a room shooting from the lip, Biden actually thinks about what he says first, which of course can mean only one thing, senile dementia. Then Biden delivered a sermon on the Mount SOTU, and suddenly Sleepy Joe went the way of the dookie bird.

You can tell that trump is worried about this debate, because like everything he does, he’s doing it ass backwards. Since almost no candidate for public office is an accomplished or natural debater, their campaigns reflexively strive to play down expectations going into the debate. Kind of like writing your own eulogy when you’re 30 years old.

But His Lowness isn’t doing that. Instead, he’s already promising a Lincoln bs Douglas performance from himself, while trying to pre spoil another rock-and-roll performance by Biden by saying that if he wins the debate, it will only be because sleepy Joe was jacked up on 3 Red Bulls, 4 Monsters, 2 Mountain Dews, and some of that $100,000 in cocaine the FBI found laying around the West wing. Trump still wants it both ways.

But just like the D-Day invasion was actually won in the weeks leading up to the invasion, with intricate logistics and planning for every possible contingency, so was the debate, or debates if it comes to that irrevocably tipped towards Biden weeks ago, in the negotiations over the rules. There are three separate buckets where Biden ran rings around Trump in the rules negotiations, and we’ll cover them one at a time.

1) The Debate Stage Setup – As determined by a coin toss, Biden had the choice of either which podium he wanted, or whether to close the debate first or last. Biden surprised the hell out of everybody by choosing the podium to the right of the moderator, instead of choosing to speak last.

There are two good reasons why this was superior tactics. First, both men are right handed, and Trump is both compulsive as well as aningraide reactionary. By taking the podium to the right of the moderator, any time Biden wants to confront or highlight Trump, he can naturally raise his right arm and point over. Any time Trump wants to do the same, he will either raise his right arm and point actoss his body at Biden, which will look clumsy and dorky, or he’ll start to, then manually remind himself to use his left arm, which will look clumsy and uncomfortable. Try it yourself in front of a mirror.

Second, Biden going first closing is a tactical move. Normally a candidate wants to go last, so that his points are the last thing that the audience hears before they leave, and he can get his last shots in. Not this time.

Biden will have about 45 minutes to make strong, cohesive, coherent points. Trump’s battle plan is simple, Be! Trump! And in that situation, I think the last thing that Biden wants the television audience to hear is the mentally diseased rantings of a man who wants to be the next President of the United States. Let Trump make Biden’s case for him.

2) The Stagecraft – Here Biden mopped the floor with Trump, on several fronts. First, there will be no live audience in the studio. This is a killer for two reasons. One, Trump’s audience feeds off of Trump’s insanity. They treat every filthy, racist, sexist word out of his sewer hole like the funniest joke George Carlin ever told. This can mislead a television audience into thinking Trump just scored a point, like the laugh track in 70’s sitcoms to carry not funny jokes.

Two, as much as his audience feeds off of Trump, Trump himself feeds off of his audience. Their ribald, raucus reaction to his every utterance lets baron von Schitzenpantz know that he’s in the zone and on the mark. Without that immediate, audio response in the studio, Trump has no idea of whether he’s flying, or crashing and burning. But the audience at home sure as sh*t will know.

But most importantly as far as stagecraft is concerned, when a candidate isn’t speaking, his microphone will be shut off. Think about that for a moment, then think of Trump’s mentality. How many times have you seen a tv sitcom or a romantic comedy where a guy is on the street talking to a good looking girl? And in a street level office or store, on the other side of the glass is the boyfriend or girlfriend of one of the two? And they’re standing there red faced, yelling and pointing fingers, pounding on the glass in rage while not a sound comes through. That’s what Trump is going to look like, a raving lunatic. And even if Trump does manage to yell loud enough to be heard, his voice will only be a dim backdrop to Biden’s words.

3) Superior Tactics – Trump is coming into the debate with a simple battle plan. Lie his fat New York ass off constantly, and try to goad Biden into making a verbal gaffe Trump can pounce on after the debate to show how infirm Biden is. Good luck with that after Biden’s 50 years in public service.

But Trump’s plan potentially poses a dilemma for Biden. Biden’s basic plan is to use his time to score concrete points indicating his accomplishments, then compare those to the previous guy. But if the moderator doesn’t live time fact check Trump, ala Candy Crowley with Mitt Romney in 2012, then Biden has to walk a tightrope, pointing out enough lies to highlight Trump’s constant bullsh*t, without letting it distract from the points he’s trying to make. Personally, I’d lead with 3-4 fact checks to call Trump out, then follow up with But that’s beside the point, and segue right into my preplanned remarks.

But here’s the McGuffin. Biden has been presented with better cheap punks like Trump 100 times before, and he knows exactly how to twist his tail. The Biden camp is already stating that Biden will bring up Trump’s 34 criminal convictions during the debate, which is guaranteed to evoke a purple face, screaming, incoherent response from Il Douche. I’m looking for Biden to try to close every two minute segment with a sneaky jabe that automatically turns Trump’s two minutes into a foul, possibly profanity laced Trumper Tantrum.

I have no doubt that at some point, possibly quite early in the debate, Trump will cast a filthy aspersion at Biden’s son Hunter, probably in response to a remark about his own conviction. But I know that Biden already has that one figured out and pegged. My response? True, my son Hunter may suffer from emotional and dependency issues, which he’s fighting and beating, but we love him. And one thing I 100% know that my son doesn’t have is a father who’s awaiting sentencing on 34 criminal convictions, who’s been found civilly liable as a sexual abuser, who’s paying off $89 million for lying publicly about and defaming his accuser, and facing down a half a billion fine for running a criminal racket disguised as a real estate business! That should make the point, and give Trump cardiac arrest.

I’ll close ala ronde, back where I started. If Biden performs as well as I think he will, this is exactly why Biden wants Trump to go last. Give him two more minutes of vengeful, screaming rants and threats to be the last thing the audience takes away from the debate. And if he does that, then I guarantee you there won’t be a 2nd debate in September.

I thank you for the privilege of your time.

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