Showdown At The Kiddie Korral

You know, when you cover the GOP for a living, or what passes for one, over time you tend to become used to the more normal sort of political stupid. But it isn’t always the kind of spectacular stupid Traitor Tot excels in. sometimes it’s the kind of stupid that’s almost impossible to comprehend.

Two cases in point. Matt Gaetz and Kevin McCarthy. Dumb and dumber in the flesh. Right now they’re both stomping around, making dark threats and copping a mope, each sure the other one did them dirty in the government shutdown duel. What I can’t understand is why? They know each other like twins separated at birth.

Take Matt Gaetz for instance. A proud pledge of the honorable fraternity Tappa Kegga Brew, Gaetz learned all he needed to know while hanging around the frat house video game room working on his BA in Electronic Entertainment. But he went into this already knowing that McCarthy was a spineless, whiny, slippery little worm who would do anything to get and maintain power. That’s why he turned the Speakers vote into a 15 round of the political equivalent of BDSM training, to ensure he could keep his sub under control.

And McCarthy knows Gaetz every bit as well. After all, Gaetz and his dirty dozen have a constant pain in McCarthy’s ass as Minority Leader, even though their caucus is smaller than the Problem Solver caucus. Which is why whatever McCarthy agreed to in his 15 rounds of humiliation, he made sure that his concessions would be almost impossible for Gaetz to collect on.

McCarthy won. Here’s how you know. That idiot prat Gaetz just couldn’t shut up about the detailed signed agreement that he had with McCarthy, and how McCarthy was in violation of that agreement. And once McCarthy jobbed the Freedom Caucus on the debt ceiling deal, and Gaetz started howling like Wolfman Jack, the media all wanted to see the actual agreement, which lo and behold, Gaetz suddenly didn’t have a copy of. Chip Roy, the Mad Max villainy character masquerading as a congressman has it. And he can’t get it from Roy. I wonder what’s in that agreement that Gaetz doesn’t want anybody to see.

Unfortunately for Gaetz, whose only collegiate exposure to math was High Score on a video game, McCarthy paid more attention to his numbers. And Gaetz has a serious numbers problem, and he knows Gaetz knows it too.

Matt Gaetz literally hates House squeaker Cave-in McCarthy. But here’s the problem. Gaetz loosely rides roughshod over a caucus that has a full tie membership of about 40 members. But McCarthy has a loyal following of some 160 moderate GOP members. If Gaetz actually had a Freedom Caucus candidate that could get 218 votes, he would have run him or her against McCarthy in the first round of balloting. But he didn’t, and he knew he didn’t, didn’t, so he ran a series of nuisance candidates to humiliate McCarthy to make him more compliant. Major Miscalculation. Kevin McCarthy has no shame. He just sat there, round after round, until he wore them out with guarantees he knew he’d never have to honor.

And now Gaetz is blustering that he’ll call a Motion to Vacate the Chair this week in order to strip him of his gavel. Which is a stupid d*ck move, since if anything, Gaetz’s numbers are worse than they were in January. Note that in June, in the debt ceiling vote, in which Gaetz screamed that McCarthy sold the conservatives out, they got some 400 YES votes for passage. And the Continuing Resolution vote on Saturday had some 136 moderate GOP votes, including 20 moderate New York GOP incumbents in serious swing districts who need a government shutdown the way that dogs need more fleas.

I can’t wait for this week. If Gaetz actually brings the Motion to Vacate the Chair to the floor, he’s going to need 218 votes to carry it off. There’s no reason for the Democrats to vote at all, and if Gaetz loses five of those moderate NY GOP incumbents, the motion fails. Which would have the practical effect of making the Freedom Caucus nothing more than a bunch of noisemakers. McCarthy will have free rein to legislate moderately, knowing that the majority of Democrats will sign on to legislation that can carry the majority of the GOP House, about 120-130 members. Sugar Daddy Matt Gaetz, Pistol Packin’ Lauren, and Machine Gun marjie can scream all they want, they’re finally nothing more than noise. Tick-Tock. Let’s see just how stupid Gaetz is.