QAnon strikes back! /s

Anybody who pays even passing attention to the current political climate knows that this is not a good time for President Donald Trump and his merry band of misfit marionettes. The farmers are in revolt, the economy may be turning down, and the last Quinnipiac poll had Trump trailing the guy who was asking the questions by six points.

The *resident himself is making it clear that this is not “reality,” these stories are nothing more than FAKE NEWS! spread by the “dishonest media,” and that in fact French President Emmanuel Macron agreed with him at the G-7, that climate change is pure bullshit, and the French are agreeing to increase strip mining production, which will only help the U.S. economy, and farmers are busing themselves to Washington to tell him and the GOP caucus what a bang up job they’re doing.

But desperate times call for desperate measures, and Trump’s core base of supporters are growing concerned. I have in the past used my extensive journalistic network to bring you scoops, and today I have more exclusive news for you. QAnon, the mysterious and secretive group that backs The $1 Store Caligula, is taking the extreme step of mobilizing and going public to turn the fortunes of their imperiled leader.

That’s right, QAnon is going to the streets, en masse. The tinfoil toupee models, and the family-home basement-dwellers are poking their heads above ground to make a stand. And let me tell you, a bunch of guys who think that deodorant is a government conspiracy, and then spend all of their time on 8-chan bitching about how they can’t get laid, will be an awesome force to be reckoned with when joined together.

Thanks to an inside informant of mine in the local chapter of QAnon here in Vegas, I was able to get a one-on-one meeting with the leader. We met at midnight in the empty parking lot of a shuttered J.C. Penney store in Summerlin. The chapter president was clad in hiking sandals, baggy knee length khaki hiking shorts, and “I’m a deplorable” t-shirt, a pipe cleaner mustache, and a MAGA hat. He immediately advised me not to bother trying to trace the license plate, since the car, a 2005 Toyota Tercel, with a “Hillary Sucks!” bumper sticker, was a rental. After I identified myself, he replied, “Hey! I’m Stewey. But, uh, that’s not my real name, OK?” Then he flashed me the secret QAnon hand signal, one thumb pointed down, one pointed up, then rotating his wrists until they came together. At least I think it was a secret sign.

“Why are you guys choosing now to become public?” I asked him. “We don’t have any choice,” he replied. “I think the Deep State is on to us. One day last week, I myself had two different black SUV’s, one a GMC, and one a Chevy, pass slowly in front of my house on the same day. And then yesterday, my wife told me that some dude in a suit talking on a cell phone, looked at her funny when she came out of the Great Clips. One of the chapter members told me that somebody he never saw at work before looked at him strangely when he saw that the member had the caps lock activated on his keyboard at work, and the capper was when the spell checker went down on the website message board, and nobody knew what anybody was saying. They’re on to us, no doubt about it!”

I asked him how they were planning on going public if part of their name was Anon, presumably standing for “anonymous.” “That’s easy,” he said. “Everybody’s pitching in to get back hoodies with a really cool ‘We’re QAnon, and we VOTE’ logo on the front, and the $1.00 Store is having a summers end sale on big sun glasses. We’re gonna hold mass rallies every weekend to support the president, and set the record straight.” When I told him that mass rallies required permits, which required the organizers to identify themselves on the permit application, he immediately answered, “We already got that one figured out. We’re not gonna apply for permits. We’re just gonna meet on street corners, and walk up and downt he sidewalks. What could go wrong?”

So, there you have it. In the coming weeks, if you’re driving down, or walking down the street, and you see a bunch of badly dressed guys in hoodies in the 90 degree heat, marching up and down the block with bad shaves, and oversized sunglasses on, chanting “I’m a deplorable, he’s a deplorable, we’re all deplorables, wouldn’t you like to be a deplorable too?” you’ll know that it’s the local QAnon chapter, out in full throated support of the *resident. Either that, or they’re filming another “Borat” movie. One or the other.

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