Sooner or later, it had to come to this. After all, you can only have so many old, uber rich donors kick off, or get shamed out of their corporate leadership positions, and infuriate so much of corporate America before you start to feel the pinch. And when you can no longer rape the rich, you have to mooch the suckers.
And since the current day GOP came to a stall somewhere back in the late 70’s or early 80’s, that can mean only one thing Hold a telethon! What the hell, it worked for Jerry Lewis all those years, right? And of course, that got my fevered brain working along the lines of what such a spectacle would look like.
Good evening everyone, I’m Moscow Mitch, and this is my partner, Coward Kevin, and we’re hosting the first annual GOP fundraising telethon! As you can see, since we just started, the tote board is at zero, but it won’t stay that way long. Because I know how to kick things off, so I am making a personal donation of $100 from my personal Leadership PAC. Hey there Mitch, I know how to cut a rug too, so I’m kicking in another $100 right from my own pocket!
Great, Kevin! And now, let’s kick off the nights entertainment with a sure fire show stopper. Ladies and gentlemen, the darling of the 2016 RNC convention, Scott Baio! What? Scott’s not here? Why not? Because Joanie said that if he set foot on stage, they were so over? Shit!
No problem, because next we have Lee Greenwood on tap to perform his iconic classic God Bless The USA. Lee? And I’d gladly stand beside you, and defend her still today. Kus there ain’t no doubt I love this land, God bless the USA!
Thanks Lee, that was incredible. But why was there that montage of Trump images on the screen, instead of the uplifting American scenery shots that we had picked out? Trump said I couldn’t sing if I didn’t put those in there. Oh. OK.
And now over to the tote board with our legal counsel and honorary fundraising co-chair, Sydney Powell. Sydney? Thanks guys! Let’s roll over the big board and see where we are? WHOA! $345! and here’s a special announcement from our honorary fundraising nabob Paul Manafort. For the next two hours, and the next two hours only, he has gotten a Russian oligarch to promise to match dollar for dollar every contribution that comes in! strictly speaking, this may be only slightly illegal, but our legal eagle, Rudy Giuliani, is donating his time and efforts to create the shell companies to launder the cash, so we’re cool.
Thanks Sydney! And now, how about some more primo entertainment? Come on everybody, please welcome legendary rocker, and Trump favorite Ted Nugent! Cat scratch fever! Cat scratch fever! Cat scratch fever! Thanks Ted, but would you mind asking your wife if she would stop banging her tambourine off of that AR-15, it’s kind of freaking everybody out.
Alright Sydney, let’s take another look at the giant tote board. Where are we now? $380?!? Are you freakin’ kidding me? Come on people! We are the chosen ones to carry forward the Trump agenda, and that means that we have to stop The Steal! otherwise we’ll have generations of Democratic voters streaming over the borders! Let’s get it together here, shall we?
It goes on like that for hours, and hours, and hours, but I think you get the picture. But the really funny thing is, as badly as the current iteration of the GOP is imploding, and as pathetically that they’re failing at finding anything to stick to Joe Biden, I can actually see this as one possible future for the Republican party. Don’t touch that dial.
Follow me on Twitter at @RealMurfster35
Suggested edit: Kooky Koward Kevin