Let the screenwriters stay on strike. We have the Church Of Latter Day Saints to keep us entertained, we need no more. And it would take one hell of a comedy writer to top this, I’ll say that much. Here’s the initial tweet that got the internet rocking today.
— chocolate chip😁🖖🏼🏳️🌈🟧🥂🟦 (@cannoli1000) June 26, 2023
Is there a 'Masturbation Self-Rape' Helpline? pic.twitter.com/N7SxHgwH9I
— Eli Dror (@edrormba) June 26, 2023
Now I thought this might be an evil joke on the Mormons, so I attempted some fact checking. Here’s the link to Wikipedia. This is on the level. Masturbation is a “gateway sin.” It’s like when I was in high school, I was told if I smoked pot then heroin was next.
Now this next one is a real howler and I’ll tell you why. This is coming from James Dobson and Mike Pence loves James Dobson. When he went on Dobson’s radio show back in the 90’s he called it, “the greatest honor of my life.”
“Ringing the Devil’s Doorbell.” 
Man, somebody ought to write a treatise on how woman hating this is, calling a woman’s clitoris the Devil’s Doorbell. How it terrifies misogynists that women are creatures with a sex drive. This is why primitive cultures mutilate young girls’ genitalia. It threatens the patriarchal structure that a woman can enjoy sex, much less pursue it. Gotta nip that in the bud, and early on.
Plus, is this what Donna Summer was talking about when she sang, “You can ring my belll, ell, ell, ring my bell?”
What’s that you say? How can masturbation be “rape” when rape is non-consensual and how can you do something non-consensual to yourself? Ohhh, don’t ask me Voice of Reason. Ask the Mormons. Ask Mitt and Ronna. This is already wayyy above my modest intellectual pay grade.
😏 It is no coincidence that the #1 source of Pornhub's cyber-traffic is the state of Utah.
— IDLERACER (@IDLERACER) June 26, 2023
Utah’s got Pornhub and the Mormons. The Mormons used to have Sin City. True story. Las Vegas was originally a Mormon settlement but it didn’t go anywhere, I suspect because of the intense summer heat and so it sat abandoned until a gangster named Bugsy Siegel came in and built the casinos.
Wankers!
In every sense of the word.
Devil’s doorbell? Sin cave? What century is this, anyway? And for those condemned to not marry a masturbator? Good luck with that. You’re gonna live a long and lonely life, incel.
And they wonder why they can’t get laid! These self-professed INCELS aren’t involuntarily celibate. They are such woman hating a-holes that even women with no self-respect who screw almost any guy in an attempt at feeling something like love if only for a few minutes don’t want anything to do with them. They sense the actual danger! But it’s NOT “involuntary” because they could open their minds and learn, and in turn open their hearts and become at least semi-decent human beings. They CHOOSE not to. So they should STFU instead of blaming others/societal norms for their sexual frustration.
Look, I was was okay looking and earned a decent enough income to have a social life. Date. Like most guys I went through times where I had dates that led to relationships and got to enjoy some of life’s more wickedly delightful mutual pleasures. And other periods of time where I couldn’t seem to even get a first date, much less one where we hit if off and it led to more. That’s life for most guys. And lots of women too. Sure, women can always get a date but they have to be damned careful which means if they pay attention to their gut they too go through times when they can’t find seemingly safe and decent guys. As for me and now? Hell, I’m old, broke and broken down physically and am overweight. I sometimes (albeit painfully) joke that if I was a woman I wouldn’t f**k me. But I don’t blame women. I’m the one who is resposible for the choices that led to me winding up in forced early retirement on disability and getting fat. ME. The guy I see in the mirror. I’m old and fat and broke and therefore don’t have a social life that might lead to m relationship that would include certain mutual pleasures and in the end there’s no one to blame but myself. Not women. I feel badly for other guys who are good guys, decent to women, can afford to take them on dates and able to get out and do fun things together but are alone. But like I said almost all of us go through that at times in our life. It’s just part of life. But even when I was blessed to be in a great relationship that was fulfilling in all ways sometimes I simple couldn’t wait and well, you know. Parnters would admit the same to me. Made things that much hotter sometimes even when we could address our desires mutually!
Imagine my surprise to learn I’ve lived life as a serials (self) rapist!
But according to Ben Shapiro, the female orgasm is a myth.
How can you believe something you have never witnessed?
Listen to the lyrics of the Cindy Lauper hit “She Bop”.
As the philosopher Archie Bunker once said, “Women aren’t supposed to enjoy sex, they’re supposed to lay still for it”.
Lay still, and as the Victorians used to say, “and think of England.”
(Ironic since Queen Victoria herself was likely multi-orgasmic.)
Puts a whole new spin on “Avon Calling”.
We’ve gone from that memorable Risky Business line “Sometimes you’ve gotta say what the f**k to “Sometimes you’ve gotta say what the….Masturbate? (cue Mr. Bill) Oh Noooooooo!”
I’m also reminded of an old salt describing a sex lecture he got early in his service where a grizzled old Gunny did an orientation lecture, which included some talk about sex. He warned the troops to be careful about fulfilling “needs”, stuff like using protection to prevent both disease, unwanted pregnancies, making sure partners were of legal age, resist visiting the strip where hookers congregated because there’d be hell to pay if he had to bail someone out etc. Then he got to masturbation and started by asking “How many here have masturbated? Beat their own meat? There was some nervous laughter and a few guys raised their hand in a joking manner. Then the Gunny roared “Exactly 90 percent of the men in this room have masturbated – AND THE OTHER TEN PERCENT ARE LIARS!”
H.L. Mencken defined Puritanism as “The haunting fear that somewhere, someone might be happy.” There is plenty to find fault with him over but we sure could use him today. And boy could he go to town on THIS nonsense! I swear these a$$clowns make the old Puritans seem like crazed, out of control sexual deviants!
Thanks for the laugh. I needed it.
I used to travel regularly in SE Idaho. Rexburg Idaho has a small college, it’s now apparently connected to BYU, and there is some off-campus housing provided for students. I was struck by the signs outside the small apartment buildings stating it was housing appropriate for young ladies and stuff like that: kind of weird to me. Weird until I spoke with someone who lived in the area and told me just how mormon the place was (i.e. he was told by his corporate H.Q. that he shouldn’t be seen smoking in public). When mormons make up most of the population the places where they live regress at least 75-100 years.
The singer of Ring My Bell was Anita Ward.
Yeah. The great “First Lady of Disco” had plenty of sexy songs that would be denounced for “sex positivity” by the Moral Crusaders: “Love to Love You Baby” (especially in its 16-minute version with sounds of simulated orgasms permeating most of the song’s play time); “I Feel Love” (not necessarily about “self-pleasure” but it’s not NOT necessarily about “self-pleasure”); “Hot Stuff” (definitely about trying to score an old-school hook up–“dialed about a thousand numbers, lately/almost rang the phone off the wall”–but nothing about what she’s going to do if she doesn’t find some “hot stuff” which mean specifically a guy or more metaphorically for something else); “Dim All the Lights” (lines like “I’m like a cup/come fill me up” and “turn my brown body white” are pretty damn clear); “Bad Girls” (all about the world’s oldest profession); “Sunset People” (singing about the hookers and hustlers lining the Sunset Strip and the celebrities who used to be there).
And Anita Ward was actually embarrassed about the song. She had to be pressured into recording the song in the first place as the rest of the album the song comes from is filled with more innocent standard R&B; her producer said she needed something “naughty-but-nice” that would stand out; it did its job way too well.
I recall another disco song by another singer who as a singer was a one hit wonder. Anyone over 60 that listened to top 40 radio remembers The Andrea True Connection and the words (the only lyric, repeated over and over) “Ooh, How do you like your love… Ooh, How do you like your love… More, more more… How do you like it, How do you like it?” And it came at a time when videos were getting started so folks got treated to Andrea True on stage performing it in concert, dressed in tiny white go-go dance shorts and white boots playing the seductress. NO doubt about what that song was all about. And the funny part is that she was an actual porn star of that era! Talk about something that would freak out these “moral” a-holes!