Good morning Captain McCarthy and the crew of the Black Pearl! From what I’ve seen so far, governing the House isn’t quite like weekend shore leave in Port Royale, is it? But since this country needs two strong, functional parties, I’m gonna help you out, from the kindness of my heart.

Dudes, and the occasional dudette, please, take a pill! You guys are running around like a bunch of chickens with their heads cut off. For your first week in power, it took you more than 25 hours of congressional floor time over four tortuous ayes, and 15 different votes to accomplish something that almost every other congress in history has accomplished in the first three hours! The most embarrassing thing wasn’t so much the number of ballots it took, it was on the last day, when you incompetent morons couldn’t even get your whip count shit together so that everybody knew how to vote, earning you an extra, unnecessary ballot.

And then there was the debacle of McCarthy running around, cutting deals with everybody with an open mouth and a pulse that Howie Mandel would have turned thumbs down to. First there was the revelation that the really shitty deals weren’t in the rules package, but in a secret three page addendum that not everybody got. Now it looks like there wasn’t even an addendum, the dirty deals were verbal only, leaving no paper trail. Now look, most of us at least partially savvy voters expect a certain amount of backhanded double dealing, it’s kind of like those two shakes of hot sauce put into beef stew. But we do like to know that it’s hot sauce that’s going into the stew.

Now, let’s look at your first full week of legislating from power. What were the very first two bills you proposed to start the new session, your marquee causes? Two totally nonsensical anti abortion bills, one with no legal medical or legal justification. Quick history lesson here. It was your gleeful and vengeful response to the SCOTUS overturning Roe v Wade that led to a national outcry from women and the men who love them, leading to abortion protection initiatives in deep red states, and kicking your ass so bad in November that you have no choice but to rely on a scumbag shitheel like George Santos to keep your majority, making you a laughingstock.

It’s time for a little Dr. Phil tough love here. Since 2016, when Traitor Tot drove all of your top strategists and ad men and women away, you guys have lost the edge. In 2009, before the Democrats had even fully rolled out the affordable Care Act, you guys jumped the gun, branding it as Canadian socialized medicine, and Death panels for Granny!, burying the very concept for more than five years. It was a masterstroke, especially since the real meat-and-potatoes didn’t kick into gear until years 3-5.

This week, you announced the formation of the House Select Committee on the Weaponization of the US Judicial System. That’s a mouthful. And because it is, before you even finished, Democratic House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries had come out and anointed it as the Insurrection Protection Committee. And since Jeffries slogan is short, sweet, rhymes, and is a perfect bumper sticker, guess which one is going to stick? That shoe doesn’t fit so well on the other foot, does it? The Democrats can hammer this every time the committee holds a meeting.

But here’s the worst part. You guys ran in November on inflation, gas prices, and crime. But now that you’re in, what are your most critical cause celebres? Freakin’ gas ranges and woke M&M’s! The government wants gas range manufacturers to produce more efficient stoves that remove potentially harmful and dangerous particles and toxins from the air. You know, kind of like a catalytic converter on your car? And now mental midgets like Cancun Teddy Cruz are taking to the airwaves to dare the gubbmint to pry their gas ranges from their cold, dead fingers.

Worse yet is the subject of the woke M&M’s. As far as I can decipher it, some Q-Anon puddle heads are claiming that the Mars company is promoting a gay lifestyle, because the colors in a bag of M&M’s match the colors of the Gay Pride flag. News Flash to the clueless! These are the same basic colors that were in bags of M&M’s decades before there was a Gay Pride flag!

OK, I’m no political moron, I know why you guys are doing this. Because you can! Your aging, white, scared racist base has the IQ of mashed turnips. And you have a fully armed and weaponized FUX News Propaganda Channel ready to carry the water for you. But have you ever actually watched the FUX News channel with an open and intelligent mind? The hosts can only remind an intelligent human of the Teletubbies in overpriced suits!

Look, the way it is now, you guys are already a perennially minority-majority party. You lost a seat in the Senate, and barely squeaked through in the House. The voters expect results, and those results are on things like raising the debt ceiling, keeping the government open, lowering inflation and drug costs, protecting and expanding Social Security and Medicare, and capping drug costs. What they don’t want to dick around with is Hunter Biden’s fucking laptop, gay candies, and phantom men in black helicopters and black Suburbans charging in and stealing their stoves. Unline FUX viewers, they’re smarter than a 5th grader. Just a word to the wise.

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8 COMMENTS

  1. While they are at it…could they rein in the underwear stealing gnomes? I think they’re the same gang that only steals one sock at a time. Stop the steal!!!

    20
  2. I love that line about the men in black suits in black helicopters coming to take their gas stoves. We definitely need a few laughs, because the alternative is to bang your head on the wall in frustration and despair. These politicians are pathetic and they expect us to believe that they can run the country? Yeah, right.

    12
  3. The Republican party is little more than a bunch of high school brats, liars, and conmen.
    #ArrestTrumpNow
    #RepublicansLieAboutEverything
    #RepublicansAreDestroyingAmerica

  4. All the other GOP lemmings fell right in line with the Mc Carthy vote.
    All we hear is what their going to do for Americans.
    They give themselves raises, hardly work,have too much time off and primarily are total hypocrites !!!!

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