Your Armchair Guide To Trumpty Dumpty’s Great Fall Tomorrow

I am actually posting this as a kind of Public Service Announcement, because I wubs you guys diiiiiiiiis much! And please, take my word for it, I go through this shit every time anything even approaching newsworthy happens on television.

Let’s start with the simple stuff, Trump’s surrender, processing, and arraignment. Normally, if you’re just some Skel off of the street, your booking and processing alone can take 3-4 hours while you wait your turn in line with all the other Skels. But Traitor Tot isn’t just some Skel off the street, he’s a 5th Avenue Skel, and there will be nobody else in the room, so it’ll move quickly.

Trump’s arraignment is scheduled for 2:15 pm EDT, so His Lowness will probably arrive at the courthouse sometime between 12-12:30. And once he goes up the steps, you’ve seen the last of him for a while. What will happen will include;

• Trump will be formally arrested, and read his Miranda rights
• Trump will be formally booked and processed
• Trump will be fingerprinted like anybody else
• Trump is unlikely to pose for a mug shot or give a DNA sample for a simple reason. Those are meant to help identify someone for future crimes. But we already have Trump’s DNA on file from his presidential physicals, and the only people on the planet who can’t immediately identify Trump were born blind
• There is some question left as to whether or not His Lowness will model bracelets when he’s perp walked into court

Once Trump is in the courtroom, it doesn’t take long. The court clerk will call the case, and the judge will affirm that all parties are present. At that point the indictments will be unsealed, read into the record, and Trump will be asked to enter his plea. The only two words Trump should speak all hearing is Not Guilty. The judge will set Trump’s terms of release, and set a date for the next hearing.

That’s it. From the time Trump shows up at the courthouse, it should all be over in less than 3 hours. But please believe my my friends, if you think you’re getting off that easily, you need an intervention. Because since this is a historical news event, the national media has a full day Roman Circus planned for you. No matter what time zone you live in, if you turn your television on in the morning, you’ll be greeted by;

• A well known panel of talking heads, chattering sonorously about what a serious and historical moment we’re about to see
• An obligatory cutaway shot to a fixed camera centered on the main entrance at Trump Tower, with nattering nabobs tell you how they are ready to catch every move El Pendejo Presidente makes when he walks to his car
• Cut to another obligatory shot of a reporter across the street, milling with a puny ass throng of Trump supporters, maybe making a quick interview or two
• Cut to a camera in front of the Manhattan courthouse, where a reporter will blandly describe the security measures in place, and showing his arrival point
• Cut to an obligatory shot of a lonely reporter on the causeway leading to Mar-A-Lago, gravely reporting that there are no Trump supporters there yet, since it’s too early for him to show up

And here’s the scary part my friends. It’s going to be Wash. Rinse. Repeat. The networks have hours of empty time to fill, so it’s going to be an endless media loop. The talking heads will keep trying to think of something new and insightful to say, and when they run out, they’ll fall back on canned video coverage of Trump’s travel today. You might want to have your Kindle on the arm of your chair or sofa.

Because as the late night Propel commercials used to say, But wait! There’s more! They will flash to the camera covering the front door of the courthouse to watch Trump leave, then remote cameras will cover ever mile of El Pendejo Presidente’s drive back to LaGuardia, and mounted cameras catching his departure. Had enough yet?

Tough shit. Because once they film Trump Force One zooming out of sight, it’s back to the panel to Chinese chop every word that was said in court, with liberal hours old video, until the fixed camera at West Palm Beach airport catches Trump’s plane on final approach. And then it will be nonstop helicopter coverage of Trump’s motorcade from PBI back to Mar-A-Lago. And then the panel will prattle endlessly about that for the next hour.

Yeah. Welcome to my life. Fortunately for all of you, I’ll be sitting here tomorrow, literally feeling the IQ points leaking out of my ears as I bear the banal monotony. So, if any or all of you actually want to have a life, please, feel free. I’ll be here at the keyboard in the after noon to cue you in to any and all of the good shit. besides, they’ all still be prattling on whenever you turn on the television. I got your back.