You want issues? Brother, issues we got!


We’ve heard it for months now, “You can’t just run ‘against’ Trump, you have to run on ‘issues’ as well.” And I wholeheartedly agree. Just running against somebody because they’re a lying, sadistic, misogynistic scumbag only gets you so far. After a while, you start to come off as somewhat small and petty. Fortunately, with the Pampers President, we have a two legged issues machine, working overtime for us.

In his zeal to play kindergarten cop for his infantile base, His Lowness has given us not one, but two issues to run on, and both of these issues have more legs than a centipede farm. And with polling numbers this bad, I can see why Trump would want to call it “fake news,” you normally don’t see facts this far down in the dumpster.

First we have the national shame that is separating parents from their children at the southern border. A recent Quinnipiac poll showed that an anemic 31% supported the policy, while a colossal 68% oppose the move. And to show you how bad this issue is for Trump and the GOP, only 55% of Republican voters favor the policy! When an alleged “sure fire winner” of an issue is barely treading water with your own base, you better get out of the pool, fool. Pronto.

And when you’re dumb-as-a-Trump, the hits just keep on coming. The game of chicken is over, the trade war is here. Canada and China have imposed their retaliatory sanctions, and soup’s on. MSNBC quoted a poll over the weekend that showed that only 39% of voters backed Trump’s play on sanctions, while 58% want him to fold up his tent and go home. This is not the kind of grade that makes momma want to magnet your report card on the door of the fridge.

There were a couple of things that jumped out at me in these two polls. The first was the completeness of both polls. In most polls, you generally see a 4-10% “don’t know/don’t give a shit” response. But on immigration, there is a 99% opinion total, and on tariffs it’s 98%. These two issues have generated almost universal opinions on one side or the other, and the only thing harder to change than an opinion is the amount on an alimony check. Ask any ex husband. The fact that both of these issues are polling in the -30 category is bad juju for Republicans heading into November.

The second thing that struck me was the similarity in the “support” category, 38% for tariffs, and 31% for child separation. Behold the vaunted Trump “base” ladies and gentlemen. I think we can all agree, when you’re dealing with idjits who love the idea of one year olds sucking on a bottle and playing with a ball in immigration court, and who think that paying more for their six pack while their President has Don McGahn researching chapter 11 for the federal government is just hunky-dory, you’re dealing with a truly special breed of cat. But at the same time, the only place where you get rewarded for getting to first base less than 40% of the time is major league baseball.

And for better or worse, neither of these issues is going away anytime soon. The Trump cabal is already blaming flouride in the water for not being able to reunite kids with their parents, and if they start to stick whole immigrant families behind barbed wire on military bases, you have that whole “Japanese internment camps” visual going again. And, dipshit that he is, Trumpelthinskin can be counted on to double down on tariffs. Shit, it’s just play money anyway, it’s not like it’s coming out of his pocket, right?

And each individual race is a Thanksgiving cornucopia. You can run on the incumbents record of futility, and either their boisterous approval of, or mouselike silence on their President’s barbaric policies. Throw in gutting your medicare and social security to give Trump, his idiot offspring, Wilbur Ross, Shelly Adelson, and Mitt Romney tax cuts. And in October, when the health insurance premiums for 2019 land like a concrete turd, you can throw their 60+ votes to obliterate Obamacare in their faces. And all while our candidates offer sane, sensible solutions, especially to local problems that GOP incumbents aren’t even aware exist.

So, fear not good citizens. With the dawning of each new day, we’ll be getting fresh fodder for the campaign cannons. And best of all? Each and every one will have the “Trump” logo proudly emblazoned on the front of it. A seven course feast never tastes better than when the other guy is paying for it, am I right?


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