(This was originally posted on Daily Kos on Christmas Eve, 2016. Ursula Faw enjoys an annual repost on Christmas Eve)
‘Twas The Right Before Christmas
Twas the right before Christmas, and all through the states,
‘Thug legislatures were ginning up hate.
In Charlotte they dimmed the new Democrat’s lights,
In Columbus they nixed women’s health care rights.
‘Thug voters were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Trump Care danced in their heads.
And the wife in her sackcloth, and me feeling like crap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter!
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash!
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes was displayed,
But a gold plated Caddie pulled by exhausted Trump aides.
With a short fingered driver, so orange and plump,
I knew in a moment it must be Der Trump!
More sluggish than beagles his flunkies they came,
And he farted, and shouted, and called them by name!
“Now, Hannity! Now, Bannon! Now, Christie, Omarosa! I say!
On, Rudy! On, Priebus! On, Gingrich! On, Kelly Conway!
To the top of the porch! to the top of yon wall!
Now Drudge away! Drudge away! Drudge away all!”
As horse patties from horse’s rectum that fall,
And splat with a squish to the floor of the stall,
So up to the house-top his flunkies they flew,
With a Caddy full of noise, and Vulgarian too!
And then, stomach turning, I heard on the roof
The mewing and fawning of each little goof.
As I drew in my head, and was about to scream stop!!
Down the chimney Hair Fuhrer fell with a plop!
He was dressed all in chintz, from his head to my floor,
A bad Santa knock-off from his mill in Lahore.
A sack of foul juju he flung on my bed,
And he looked like an asshole, with a badger on his head.
His eyes-how they squinted! His sclera bloodshot!
His cheeks looked like Uni, his nose ran with snot!
His nasty little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the stumps he calls fingers look more like my toes!
A dumb smirk played over his porcelain teeth,
As sulfur encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a fat face and a big ole round gut,
An orange hued Santa crossed with Jabba the Hutt!
He spoke a half sentence, and went straight to his work,
Emptied all the kid’s the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying half finger aside of his nose,
He snorted a line and up the chimney he rose!
He slunk to his Caddy, gave his flunkies the whip,
And they all vanished like a Somali-jacked ship!
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he slunk out of sight,
“Thanks for the donation, sucker, welcome to the alt-right!”
Did you ever see one of those Trump Bear commercials? It was an actual product that MAGA goobers bought! I’m surprised every year that we don’t see Trump grifting via the sale of a “Trumpy Clause” doll! “Limited Edition” of course with each one numbered (the numbering machine will “accidently” get stuck at well under a hundred of course) and a letter attesting the signature on the thing is hand written by Trump himself. Oh, and if you “Order now you can get this amazing discount on the matching Christmas tree ornament set if you buy at least one at set at regular price as a gift for a friend or family member.” The grift possibilities are staggering which is why I’m surprised he’s not done it by now.
Well, thanks for putting this up. With luck and a lot of hard work both by prosecutors and voters by this time next year Trump will be both a loser (again!) and a convict sitting in prison. THAT would make next year a very Merry Christmas and this little missive even more enjoyable!
Lara and Eric Trump are selling a Trump airplane ornament. So that goes right along with what you’re thinking. The GOP nowadays doesn’t want to govern. They want to sell. That is what Trump brought to the Republican party. They’re not about politics anymore, only commerce and greed.
I remember being in shell shock after Election Night 2016. Needless t say Thanksgiving was ruined and when it got to be Xmas, this was the first time I had belly laughed in a long time. i called a few friends and read this to them on the phone. Everybody needed cheering Xmas of 2016, how well I recall.