This shit is going to put me out of business. The best description of the job of a comedian is “One who finds and exposes the absurdity in the mundane.” But what happens to guys like me when what should be mundane is by itself completely ridiculous?
I remember the good old days when Supreme Court nominees were kept in specially refrigerated closets in between Senate committee hearings. You could always tell, because they were dressed in the same suit, with no wrinkles, so you know they were on a hanger in the closet. Now, they give them their own show on White House TV, I mean FOX News.
They gave Brett Kavanaugh an entire segment in prime time on FOX last night, and they may as well have just run male performance enhancement ads instead. In fact, Kavanaugh did everything in his power to make it sound like he was already in desperate need of those products back when he was in high school.
Brett Kavanaugh blew his own credibility right out of the water in one quick answer. Period. See, being a guy, at least I know that there is one solemn oath of maleness that must be upheld at all costs. No matter what the question is, and no matter how much trouble your answer might cost you, NO male worth his salt will ever admit to not having gotten laid in high school! And I know full damn well that Kavanaugh already knows this, You know how? Because he was already faking getting laid in high school with that trashy page in his yearbook about a young lady student from a girls school.
Did you catch Kavanaugh last night? “Oh no, I never sexually assaulted anyone in high school or had any kind of sexual contact in high school, or for many years after that. The fathers at school were so far in my head that I automatically grabbed a metal ruler and slapped my knuckles if I even caught myself jerking off! I’m such a wimp that I would jump in bed with mommy whenever there was thunder and lightning outside, even last year when it meant hopping into the car and driving across town to do it. The only thing I need to make me complete is a pink knitted hat with ears on it.”
And he was just getting warmed up in the “sanctimonious little prick bullpen” with that stuff. He feels just sooooo bad for poor Dr. Ford because he has absolutely no doubt that she was sexually assaulted at some time in her sad, misbegotten little life, and Omigosh, golly gee! How terrible that must have been. And Kavanaugh knows this because he never, once in his life, had so much to drink that he couldn’t remember anything the next morning. He was such a boy scout that nobody would gi e him a ride to or from a party, so he never could have puked in anybody’s back seat. Honest Injun!
Oh, and one more thing on this sordid subject. I never wanna hear another word out of Trump’s filthy sewer hole about Mrs. Khan’s silence at the Democratic convention two years ago. All she did was to stand quietly next to her husband while he gave a speech. The FOX host actually asked Kavanaugh’s wife a question last night, and he practically squeezed his hand down over her mouth to keep her from answering anything. The look on his wife’s face last night made me think that she was desperately wishing for a magic potion to turn the clock back three months, so she could threaten her husband with castration via rusted pinking shears if he said “yes” to Trump.
After all, all Kavanaugh wants is “a fair process.” Is that so much to ask? “I mean, like, after all, man, this shit was, like all the way back in high school! Do you have any idea of how fuckin’ bombed I was 24/7 way back then? Oh yeah, Mark wrote a book about that, didn’t he? But I wasn’t bombed on like, alcohol and shit; I was high on life. But to drag this shit up now, when I’m up for this totally cool promotion at work?!? That is just so unfair!”
In all honesty, I have absolutely no idea of what Kavanaugh’s prime time whine-n-cheese exhibition was supposed to accomplish. All it did for me is to make me look forward to Kamala Harris and Amy Klobuchar being able to go into that with him at greater length on Thursday. That just about oughta do it.
