I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling just a touch nostalgic today, like watching your kid pull out of the driveway all alone for the first time. My baby is all grown up! Today marks the end of an era.
For more than a year and a half now, America’s favorite drinking game has been Indictment Watch; Trump Edition. First the DOJ announced an investigation into the Capitol insurrection, apparently keying on the street thugs that clobbered cops and shit in the rotunda. Then came the J6 committee hearings, with criminal referrals to DOJ taken as a natural outcome. Then Fulton County DA Fani Willis announced a criminal probe into Trump and others for possible election fraud interference. Then Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg, who was too big of a wussy to take on Trump, bought a spine at WalMart, and announced he was hunting him down too. Then, after the J6 committee dumped a landfill of evidence and documents on them, AG Garland maned Jack Smith as Special Counsel for both the Mar-A-Lago documents case, but the planning and execution of the capitol riot.
And like a bell sounding, we were off and running like a greyhound race. First blood went to the DOJ, for the indictments of Enrique Tario, Elmer Stuart Rhoades, and most of the leadership of the Proud Boys and the Oath Keepers. And as Dom DeLuise said in History of the World Part 1, Nice. Nice. Not thrilling, but nice. Settling for these racist street thugs would like prosecuting Hitler’s Brown shirts, while letting Hitler, Goering and Goebbels head off to their villas in Bavaria.
The obvious favorite should have been Alvin Bragg. After all, Bragg came into office and Cy Vance Jr. handed him a gift wrapped indictment package ready to take to the grand jury. Instead Bragg pissed off his investigative team by Hitting the pause button. They were so pissed that his top two investigators resigned in protest, slamming Bragg publicly by releasing their resignation letters to the media. Here’s the thing. If Bragg had grown a pair, not only would he have been the first one to indict Traitor Tot, he would have been the first one to convict him. And now, in current events, his piddly *ss charges look like indicting Trump for jaywalking and expired parking tickets.
Then it looked like Fulton County Da Fani Willis was going to grab the brass ring. She came out early on the month and stated that Charging decisions were imminent. I’ll tell you one thing right now. If I ever have a terminal illness, I most definitely want my imminent demise to at the very least match the Fulton County, Georgia definition of imminent. In slow motion.
But as Willis in Fulton County finally picked up speed again, Special Counsel Jack Smith finally dropped the hammer. Months after the Mar-A-Lago raid, Smith announced federal indictments against Traitor for unauthorized possession of classified documents, including multiple Espionage Act violations. Now dat’s what I’m talking about! For the first time in his misguided, piss poor life, Trump was facing federal charges that carried actual prison time. And for those of us old enough to remember, we had to once again suffer through the infamous OJ Simpson slow motion chase, as His Lowness boarded his armored SUV, pootled out of his putt-putt golf resort, and drove to the courtroom. The only thing missing was the perp walk.
Now it was a two horse race between Willis and Smith for the bronze medal. As Willis started dropping 10 gallon hints of possible state RICO charges against Trump, but got slogged down in a state necessity of going before a regular grand jury to indict, Smith made his move. He went once again before the cameras to drop a blivet (blivet = 10 lbs of sh*t in a 5 lb bag) of federal conspiracy charges over Trump’s pointy head. This time the slow motion chase scene included watching FrankenTrump waddle up the air stairs of Trump Force ! In New Jersey, and off again in LaGuardia airport in New York. Which was the most we saw of him, since he entered and left the courthouse through an underground garage. But it was still worth it, because this time Trump was being personally held responsible for taking part in a conspiracy to delay or overthrow the election. Guaranteed jail time.
And now, a scant few weeks later, Fulton County DA Fani Willis crosses the finish line. But to her credit, she breasted the tape with a world class kick. Trump now has 18 co-defendants in indictments led by state RICO charge violations. But he’ll have plenty of familiar company. Stalwart pals Rudy Giuliani, John Eastman, Jenna Ellis, Sidney Powell, Kenneth Cheseboro and Mark Meadows will all be changing their Depends with him in the same holding cell. Life among the stupid can be so satisfying.
But now it’s over. No more suspense, no more teases, no more indictment watches. And smart money says that it will be 6-12 months before the first of the real cases with any meat on them is ready to proceed with jury selection. I suppose we can all hold preliminary evidentiary hearing watches, but somehow or other, that just doesn’t feel like it will have the same mellow drunken buzz to it. Oh, well. It was nice while it lasted.