I am waiting for the Twitter pile up that is sure to follow the release of this tape. Rudy Giuliani claims he “functions better than 90% of the population.” Query: Do you have hair dye running down your face on a regular basis? Do you fart in your colleagues faces, on or off television? Have you been suspended from your profession lately? Has the FBI raided your office or apartment and taken away electronic devices? Have you been tricked into being in a Borat movie? Do you give press conferences in the parking lots of obscure businesses which bear a similar name to major hotels? (Oh, my fingers are getting tired. Rudy, Rudy, Rudy….)

Unless you answered “yes” to each and every one of these questions, you are functioning better than Rudy Giuliani, ergo, he is not functioning better than you. Also, Rudy wants you to know he drinks, ahem, “normally.” Normal for what species, you ask? Why, let’s start with an elephant. Yep, Rudy probably doesn’t drink any more bourbon than an elephant drinks branch water, okay, he’s got us there.

Here’s Rudy shaving in a restaurant. Have you been photographed doing this lately? No. Well, one more point in your column, you’re functioning better than Rudy Giuliani!

And do you have a buddy named Igor who is changing his not guilty plea? Have you been named as a person of interest by the January 6 Select Committee? My goodness, you are racking up points right and left! You are functioning better than Rudy Giuliani! And we’re not even going to ask if you’re married to one of your cousins, no, we’re keeping this conversation strictly professional, we’ll get to Rudy’s personal perversity later.

Now here’s something to ponder with respect to the buddy named Igor that you don’t have but Rudy does.

Wave bye bye Rudy. Before you go to jail jail. That’s a good boy.


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