It’s funny when you think about it. Florida’s Flop Gov Ron Pissantis actually achieved his highest GOP primary poll numbers before he actually announced his run. Once he actually left Florida and opened his mouth, it’s been a steady downward spiral. Now he’s tied with Nikki Hayley at 16%, and still trending down. But if you think this is all a result of a terribly managed campaign, you’re not looking at the big picture.
When I look at Pissantis, I see myself many years ago as a wanna be comic. You start out diligently working the open mike nights praying for a club owner to give you a chance. If you’re lucky you get that low paying gig, but with guaranteed nights and a larger house. Then another club owner picks you up with more pay and a larger venue. Suddenly you get a special on a streaming service and you’re on your way. I never made it past the local lounges, since I had one child and another on the way, and streaming hadn’t been invented yet.
Pissantis also started at the bottom. In 2018, an unknown FOP US House member so forgettable that most of his own caucus members didn’t even know he was in the building, DeathSantis decided to run for Governor of Florida.
And instantly became a chattel slave of Donald Trump. In a classic stand up routine ad, DeSantis literally pimped himself and his family in a campaign ad that was basically a soft core love sonnet to Traitor Tot. It was so good that the national networks picked it up for their newscasts, for comedic relief, and even the late night hosts poked holes in him. DeSantis was on his way.
Most of Pissantis’s first term was basically working the peanut circuit. Most of his notoriety, especially in the national media came from the moronic, often unconstitutional laws his lap poodle legislature kept passing at his request, to burnish his national conservative bona fides, for a future presidential run. The national media took a sarcastic poke at him when they passed, and then took another slap at him when the laws crashed and durned in court. But it was a bigger gig.
His big break came in his 2022 reelection campaign. DeSantis had already been throwing around 10 gallon hints of running for President in 2024. He was so blatant about that his Democratic challenger Charlie Crist, demanded in a debate that DeSantis vow to serve his entire term as Governor if reelected. Which provoked from Pissantis the blankest stare anybody has ever seen outside of an opium den.
But his campaign ads were pure comedic genius. His first foray, Top Gov was brilliant. There was the little runt, aggressively strutting across the tarmac of a Florida Air National Guard base, clad in khakis and a flight jacket, menacingly snarling about returning fire with withering force. The national media featured it on their nightly news broadcasts, mocking him, and the late night hosts had nocturnal emissions on stage.
He followed up with the comedic masterpiece, And God Created A Warrior, which shows steely eyed fluff pics of Governor Puny, while a dude desperately trying to sound like a Baptist preacher intones, And God created a warrior. A man ready to leave his wife and family before dawn, and fight the good fight. That one was so good that network heads started fitting sitcom writers and begging DeSantis’s ad firm to come to work for them. DeSantis was ready for prime time.
And DeathSantis came out of the gate firing on all cylinders. Realizing that the GOP vaunted culture wars strategy was dying on the vine with issues like critical race theory and Trans kids, Pissantis started his own culture war against beloved Disney for being pedophiles and groomers, and creating his own new culture war bumper sticker, WOKE! Not being totally brain dead, DeSantis introduced WOKE! exclusively in Florida, where the rustics were guaranteed to scream and yell for anything DeSantis said before taking it on the road. He even had his own campaign slogan, Florida is the place where WOKE! foes to die.
Strike one. And strike two. The entire nation rightfully ridiculed DeSantis for his moronic war with Disney just because the opposed his brainless Don’t Say Gay Law for schools. And when it came to the vaunted WOKE!, nobody in the GOP base knew what the hell it meant, and the general election voters who did thought that being WOKE! was a good thing.
And now, sinking in the poles like a Brontosaurus into the political La Brea tar pits, Pissantis is the ultimate national laughingstock. Trying like hell to be serious and relevant, what are the networks talking about? shoe manufacturing experts opining on how the measurements show that Tiny Prancer is waring high heels inside of his boots. And showing video of Pissantis, in a pair of military style boots, clomping clumsily across the stage, fighting to maintain his balance.
It’s all a matter of perspective. If I was a normal comic, I’d give my left nut for Ron DeSantis’s persona right now. Because it’s all about the laughs. Even Andrew Dice Clay is a married man with a daughter, and a world class poker player. If it was purely for the laughs, my DeSantis persona would have me laying on a beach on Kauai without ever having to type another word in my life.
But DeSantis is dead serious, and he’s trying to be dead serious. But, despite his best efforts, he’s a national laughingstock. To the point where they’re making fun of his wearing lifts in his shoes to try to obscure his diminutive height. As a comedian, I would lap up every minute, knowing that it’s my persona, and nobody thinks that the real me. But DeSantis is exactly what he looks like. A sad, pathetic, mean spirited little man. And there’s nothing funny about that.
I thank you for the privilege of your time.