“On My First Day In Office, I Will…”

It should come as a surprise to no one that, as a lifelong political junkie, by far and away my favorite animals are politicians. And out of the entire political wild kingdom, by far and away the cutest little Furby’s are Presidents Elect.

Just look, aren’t they cute? In their victory speech, they thank every living organism on the planet for helping to make their election possible, while leaving no unsaid doubt that it was their own political brilliance that was solely responsible. And the next day is even more adorable. First thing in the morning, they run out and find the first television camera with a green light on, reach into their coat pocket, pull out a scroll that hangs to their knees, and looks like a 6 year old’s Christmas list, and starts to talk about everything they’re going to get done On Day One.

Sweet Jesus, where have these savants been hiding for all of our lives. On day one they’re going to balance the budget, pay off the deficit, double the economy, provide full employment, cure bad breath, fix our piss miserable immigration system, erase racism, and cure world hunger. Now, I didn’t go to any Ivy League school, but it seems to me that if a single one of these things could be done on day one, somebody would have figured out a way to get a couple of them done in 4-8 years.

What makes it even funnier us that nobody actually stops to think about what Say One actually means. It means Inauguration Day, of course. But guess what? The President doesn’t even take the oath of office until 12 noon, so half the day is already shot. And under normal circumstances, of the 12 remaining hours, 6-8 are spent at parades and Inauguration balls. These guys are amazing!

But I’m here to help. After decades of watching inaugurations of both parties, and hours of exclusive interviews with former staff insiders, I have actually managed to patch together a representative sample of what a new President’s first day in the Oval Office looks like. And here it is;

1. Enter the Oval Office
2. Close the door
3. Do a victory boogie
4. Sit down in my new custom chair
5. Take a selfie at the Resolute Desk
6. Take shoes off and rub my aching feet
7. Call the Minority Leader, and tell him, Here, hold my beer!
8. Call the Senate Minority Leader, and tell him to KISS MY ASS!
9. Send Marine in for take out Chinese
10. Scratch my balls (I’ve always wanted to do that in the Oval Office)
11. Move shit on the desk all around because I can now, it’s my shit
12. Put shoes back on
13. Do one more victory boogie
14. Head upstairs to change for the Inaugural ball

As you can see, while it might not be curing world hunger, it’s still a pretty packed schedule, especially when you only have 4-6 hours to work with. But alas, that stuff just doesn’t sound as deep and inspirational as the other stuff they always talk about, which is why President Elects are my favorite Furbys.

If you enjoyed this article, you might also like to check out President Evil, and the sequel, President Evil II, A Clodwork Orange . They comprise a pretty much daily report from the front of the 2016 GOP primaries, as well as the general election

Follow me on Twitter at @RealMurfster35