Want to look smart Mr President? Stop appearing in public with foreign leaders!


I’m sorry, but I’m getting sick of this! When somebody has done as much stupid shit as I have (and I have the spousal support receipts to prove it) in life, they should be almost impossible to embarrass. But every time somebody with an accent pops over to say “Hi!,” Trump always ends up standing there, looking like a 6 yo next to his mother or father, in his best suit for church. The one who won’t shut up. And I put my face in my hands, sigh, and shake my head slowly back and forth.

It’s Emmanuel Macron’s turn in the barrel this time. I don’t know if Macron did it on purpose or not, but there’s just something about watching a 40 year old doing a macho “thumb grab” handshake, arm pulling and backslapping, with a 71 year old that can’t help but make you think of a college kid desperately trying to make his grandfather look “hip” at a family gathering. And there goes my red face into my hands again.

Then Trump opened his mouth, and I grabbed for the throw pillow, cuz it’s softer than my hands. Trump used a joint press conference with the President of France to threaten the countries of the middle east to start ponying up for us blowing up all of their shit, or we’ll take our arms and go home, but at least he partially covered Macron by saying that France only assisted “to a lesser extent.” After which Macron promptly lectured Trump for the next five minutes in French about why Trump’s dumb ass shouldn’t bail on the Iran deal. Trump still couldn’t resist lying, answering a question about his VA administrator nominee Ronny Jackson by saying “I’m not aware of the particular allegations.” Are you shitting me?!? If you’re really unaware, you gotta be the only one, since it’s all anybody has been talking about since 6 pm PDT last night when the news broke. What is your chief of staff doing, perusing the job postings on Indeed?

This may not be a great time for France to be his first state dinner, because Trump runs the real risk of being upstaged by his own wife. Reporting said that Melania has been planning this state dinner for months now, and it’s in her wheelhouse. Depending on how it goes, Trump could be faced with the prospect of a wife who managed a lousy dinner better than he did a dual press conference. But Trump is doing everything possible to spoil that too, inviting only one Democrat, and no media members at all. The kind of brat that will complain about the decorations at his birthday party.

And it’s not just Macron, it’s everybody with a passport who shows up at the front door of the White House. The Prime Minister of Sweden, the leaders of the Baltic states, they all make Trump look like he’s standing there with a pointy paper hat on top of his empty head. Prime Minister Abe of Japan did a nice job of slighting Trump, calling him repeatedly by his first name.  And they all share another feature. Whenever Trump opens his mouth, suddenly they are all looking out into the middle distance, as if there were a big, fat roach scurrying up the far wall. When Trump finally shuts up ten rambling minutes later, they shiver slightly, as if a chill just went through the room, and their eyes come into focus again.

Only German Chancellor Angela Merkel seems to have enough self respect to stand up to his nonsense. In their meetings, she has shot enough daggers into him with her sideways looks to turn him into the victim in an Agatha Christie novel. Maybe that’s why she’s not getting a bacon cheeseburger and a scoop of ice cream when she’s here on Friday. And when the former President of Mexico proclaims over and over again in the media that “Mexico isn’t going to pay for any fucking wall,” your diplomatic stock just got downgraded from the Dow Jones to the S&P 500.

When John Wayne was asked about the election of President John F Kennedy, the Duke graciously said, “I didn’t vote for the man, but he’s my President, and I hope he does well.” I wish I could be that magnanimous, I really do, but the best I can manage is an outraged “Crash and burn you shitwit!” But please Mr President, I beg you. Spare us the embarrassment. Take the goddamn “Welcome” mat from the front porch for foreign visitors. It’s bad enough being thought of as a banana republic, but if you keep this up, we’re gonna end up looking like just the peel!


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