The Wish List: Restructure the Supreme Court ASAP

Saint Nicholas Claus

0000 North Pole, Greenland, c/o Denmark

August 21, 2019

Dear Santa,

I realize it is unusual, you know, to receive a letter concerning my Christmas present this year, given that it is only August and, well, that I am a 48 year old man who normally waits until December, but if you hear me out, perhaps you will stroke your beard with a little mischief in the eye?

Right, I will just get to it.

As perhaps you know, things have been a little crazy down south here, more than just my family, this year.

Yeah, I know.

But, I am sure that during your well-deserved vacation time, where you enjoy near unlimited bandwidth, you surely have perused the New York Times, the Washington Post, and, of course, this column, the one I referenced last year with “If you read, please eat the cookies.” So, of course, sir (Saint?), you’re well aware that a coal-deserving madman and his senatorial-conspiratorial little elves now control all your little boys and girls in the United States.

Yes, yes, I hear you again, the people that voted for him do deserve the bast … that guy. He is their coal, I get it, don’t get upset. I am not writing on behalf of the mind-numbing, greedy parents, just the kids, and this parent.

You see, I need a favor – yes, I will just say it, a present – and I need it sometime within the next two or three Christmases. I know this stuff needs to be planned well ahead of time. I respect that, it’s not like you’re magic … or … we’ll come back around to that.

Well, I’ll just lay it out. I need a new Supreme Court.

Hold on! Hey, hold on. Let’s practice some patience with each other … yes, I take that back. I will be patient while you gather your breath.

You see, if I don’t get a new Supreme Court, that means my country won’t get a new Supreme Court, and I think you need to hear why this would be a good present.

Santa, this Supreme Court is so totally political that even a Democratic Senator wrote a brief, calling them what they are. I defer to Sen. Whitehouse, who joins this letter in amicus curi, and as reported in the WaPo:

“The Supreme Court is not well. And the people know it,” writes Whitehouse, who is listed as the attorney of record on the friend-of-the-court brief. “Perhaps the Court can heal itself before the public demands it be ‘restructured in order to reduce the influence of politics.’ ” The phrase is from a poll question with which a majority of Americans agreed.

See? Not only does the SCOTUS contain a working majority of coal-deserving political animals, but you would poll well with other Americans’ wish list. Indeed, if you read closely, you will find that the American public – unlike me – is arrogant enough to demand your generosity, should the Court not heal itself. We’re both being honest here, healing itself ain’t happening.

Speaking of kids and parents, perhaps you have heard that this same court threatens to take away the few gun restrictions we have, as well as the healthcare upon which so many depend?

You see, this gift would not only satisfy the adults’ demand, but it could be the best gift you ever gave a child, saving his or her life, either from guns or from cancer, same result, same court.

But I have some good news for you. I can make this a little easier than you might think. No one is asking that you retire all nine justices at once, no. Especially not when we all know that the court enlists the authority of one of your very very favorite little girls anywhere, Justice Ruth Bader-Ginsburg. Yeah, what’s not to love? I hear you.

So I am not even asking that you come in and, sort of magically, disappear all of them, or even five of them. I am dealing in reality here, and I know I haven’t been that good.

Right. I know.

So, all that I am asking for is two new justices. There is no rule at all, ‘cept maybe yours,’ my friend, to adding two new justices. Nowhere does the constitution state that the court be made up of nine justices. Yes, that is what Senator Whitehouse, more trusted with his list than me, is getting at by “restructuring.”

Wait. Just because there’s no rule, and I only want two, I didn’t say it would be easy. In fact, that is why I need your magic. You see, in our country, we basically cannot build a road or airport anymore. We are that stuck in politics. Adding two new justices – appointed by a Democratic president, but we’ll get to that next year. The point is, that all requires some magic, which is where you come in.

I have tried to think of someone else who might do it. I prayed, even. YES I did! And, though, it was extremely difficult to ascertain the answer, it sure sounded a lot like: “You will have to take this up with another department, our work traditionally stops with miracles – which are highly prized anyway – and you’re asking for pure magic, mi amigo.”

I can’t be sure, but it sounded pretty thorough, they made it bilingual and someone laughed. Sounded like an answer.

Anyway, well, I’m no magician, and I damn sure cannot make miracles happen, check out my bank account! So, since I am a writer, I thought I couldn’t do any better than writing a letter to a magician … you see where this is going, right?

Yes, I know, it’s partly because your address – which recently changed, I couldn’t help but notice – was the only one that I could get on short notice. I also know that I’ve already written four letters this year. I was hoping you’d forget, but it only goes to prove that you are magic.

But, I wasn’t kidding about writing this on behalf of my child, and children all over this country, yes, and their parents.

On that, I’m serious, and I know you will be, too.

Thanks, and … Santa? Peace, mi amigo.

****

Jason Miciak

*For the elves, and Senate Judicial Committee: [email protected]