Not the Onion: Madame Maxwell Spotted at In ‘n Out in Cal


The Hell?

Ghislaine Maxwell, Jeffrey Epstein’s one-time girlfriend and alleged co-conspirator, was spotted Monday at an In-N-Out Burger in Universal City, California, of all places.

That is not a headline from The Onion. They would write a more plausible but funnier headline. That is from The Daily Beast, and so is this:

When a fellow fast-food patron approached Maxwell outside the restaurant to ask if it was indeed her, she reportedly replied “yes I am,” adding, “well, I guess this is the last time I’ll be eating here!” Maxwell, who has been rumored to be laying low in both France and Boston, was found sitting alone outside the chain restaurant, accompanied only by a dog and a book. Her reading material was reportedly The Book of Honor: The Secret Lives and Deaths of CIA Operatives, and onlookers said she did not protest to having her photo taken—even though her location is of great interest to federal prosecutors—and stared directly into the camera.

Anyone who has been to California, including my new friend in San Diego, John M. (Happy B-Day, John!) can attest, if YOU are about to be arrested, and face many years in federal custody, there is NO better place to be, just prior, than an In n’ Out Burger. I certainly would do all I could to get in one last Double Double.

An In ‘n Out, in the L.A. basin, near star celebrity actors who specialize in blending in with the crowd, reading a book on the U.S. intelligence community? That sounds like our fugitive.

I admit, I feel like a fool, having written a fantastic piece laying out why she would be hiding, and why she would be wanting to remain hidden in a Paris mansion, letting her lawyers talk.

I didn’t give her sufficient credit. This was genius.

Right up until she did not say: “No, my name is Mary Wallace and my husband is a dentist in Fresno, we’re looking at UCLA with my daughter, who should be back any minute.”

That was dumb. If you get a next time, try that, Ghislaine. But setting-up under aged teenage girls as a way to milk money from hooked and sick old men was also dumb, madame.

Two mistakes. One will get you many years in prison. The other makes it all happen much more quickly.

They are damn good cheeseburgers. Not as dumb as some might think


Peace, y’all.

And it’s not an Onion Headline, I have a friend. Happy B-day.


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  1. Don’t feel too bad, Jason. Reality is far weirder than any fiction. And oh, are there soooooooo many jokes one could make about her and In’N’Out.

  2. Other people more gifted than I am have noted that the reality of the Trump misadministration and all it’s associates is very unfair to “The Onion’

  3. This is kinda funny…Business Insider decided their take on this story would be to outline what she ordered.

    For those who don’t have the privilege of living near an In N Out, there is literally no variety on their menu. They have burgers. Fries. Shakes. Soda. That’s it. They don’t even have chicken sandwiches. Outlining her order is the least interesting thing you could possibly write about…unless she was eating like seven orders of fries with no sandwich…in which case that might be notable.


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