McHenry Is No “Fort.” Speaker Pro Tem Plan Dead In The GOP, Jordan Back In The Circular Firing Squad

This is minutes old. And for those of you who thought that enough of the moderate wing of the GOP House had finally awoken once too often in an alley with an empty wallet and puke on their shirt, and finally had their moment of clarity? Well, apparently not enough of them.

In the last 10 minutes Freedom caucus cretin Gym Bag Jordan announced to reporters that they just got a check from an old friend, so the GOP House is going off on another bender. The plan to empower the Speaker Pro Tem is dead, Jordan is back in the cage for another ass whipping, and Patrick McHenry is wiping flop sweat off his brow.

Pardon my crudity, but He groped me, Coach! has his head so far up his ass he can see his lungs. But since it’s so warm and dark in there, he literally has no idea of what direction he’s facing.

Literally in the last 24 hours Jordan has spun around like Linda Blair’s head in The Exorcist. Yesterday, when he was still hoping for another floor vote, Jordan emphatically stated that he wouldn’t support the Speaker Pro Tem plan. This morning, after 12 hours listening to people tell him how much he sucked, he came out in full throated support of the plan. And just now, in the hallway, Jordan told reporters, A few members wanted to turn the temperature down and get back to business, but we decided that wasn’t the way we wanted to go. Completely ignoring the fact that three hours ago he was one of those few people who wanted to turn the heat down before it roiled his ass. I’ve seen pendulums swing slower than Jordan’s feeble mind.

The texture of Jordan’s bullsh*t was rich enough to plant mushrooms in. He said, I’m still running for Speaker, and I plan on getting the votes. We’ll be bringing this to the floor again. But right now I want to meet behind closed doors with my caucus, especially the 22 who don’t suppoprt me and hammer this out. Right. What Jordan is ignoring is the fact that he literally just walked out of a closed door meeting with his caucus, where he had been for the past three hours, and which presumably held the 22 people throwing rotten eggs and tomatoes at him. Maybe the new closed door meeting will feature tacos and a kegger, try to get the moderates wasted and then hold the vote.

Despite the detour, we’re right back where I said we would be. I expect Jordan will emerge from the next closed door circle jerk and announce a floor vote, just to prove he’s serious. He’ll lose by 30 votes this time. They’ll adjourn for the night, and jordan will phone people and tell them he’s about to go full Fatal Attraction and start boiling pets in stock pots if people don’t see the light. Tomorrow he’ll hold another floor vote, and probably lose by 35-40 votes, whereupon they’ll adjourn for the weekend. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Who knows what happens next week. Jordan proponents proudly proclaim that he should stick with it, since it took McCarthy 17 rounds to win, and Jordan has only lost two rounds. But there’s a big difference. When McCarthy ran, it was known and accepted that he was the only one who could get 217 votes, and the rest was nothing but Kabuki theater. This time around, Jordan is running in a race where nobody can get 217 votes, especially Jordan. And the rest is nothing more than Kabuki theater.

This is political malpractice of the highest order. Everybody knows that the only resolution possible is a power sharing agreement with the Democrats. But the Freedom caucus doesn’t want to die, so the spectacle continues. Which is fine for Democrats since, the closer we get to a government shutdown before the moderates finally kick Jordan to the curb, the stiffer the concessions the Democrats can demand to pull the GOP House back from the brink. Don’t touch that dial, especially not today.