Hakeem Jeffries Plays The Freedom Caucus For The Fools They Are

 Before we start, I just want to remind Senator Estupido what the letters MMA actually mean. Macho Moron *sshole. Losers who don’t have the discipline to master a martial art, so they steal their favorite Bruce Lee moves and mash them all together. If I want to watch a bunch of alleged adults rolling around the floor with each other, I’ll go see the chocolate pudding wrestling matches down at O’Toole’s.

Now back to business. In order to put this in the proper perspective to see the almost magnificent construction of the rat maze the Freedom has built for itself, let’s take a fly-by of how we got here.

In November of 2022 the GOP retook the House by a razor thin margin. Bratty Gaetz absolutely hates Kevin McCarthy, but the moderate base loves him, and Gaetz had nobody else. McCarthy knew going in that he could never govern successfully doing that the Freedom caucus wanted, so he followed their orders, and let them d*ck around until they made a total cock-up of everything, and time was running out.

Then McCarthy governed. He cut a deal with Biden that took the debt ceiling off of the table until January of 2025, and cut a clean 45 day continuing resolution. This infuriated Gaetz, but McCarthy passed it with Democratic help. But Minority Leader Jefferies had one non negotiable demand. The Democrats weren’t carrying the GOP’s water, they had to provide half of their caucus to get the Democrats in. McCarthy had to go.

What followed was a three week master class in feckless futility. The MAGA caucus flopped around like a bunch of sexually repressed fools in therapy trying to play BDSM games to break out of their shell. And kept flogging themselves. And will wonders never cease, by the time they finally got theirt sh*t together, there was no time left for new Speaker Mike Johnson to do except to pass another clean continuing resolution with Democratic help.

Bratty Matty is apoplectic, but he personally engineered this whole disaster. Once again the GOP Speaker went to Hakeem Jefferies, and once again he demanded the GOP provide at least half the votes. We now have clean continuing resolutions ending in mid January for some departments, and early February for others. And even Gaetz has enough shame to not bothering to threaten Johnson’s job over a position Gaetz put him in.

The stupid, stupid sh*ts. By far and away their smartest move would have been to do with the CR what they did with the debt ceiling. Continue spending at 2022 levels until January of 2025, after the election. But if they did that, flamethrowers like Gaetz and Gym Bag Jordan couldn’t come back after the Thanksgiving break and demand deep cuts to discretionary spending in order to get a new budget done before the latest CR’s expire. And in doing so, basically made Hakeem Jefferies the de facto Speaker of the House.

Because first Cave-In McCarthy, and now MAGA Mike Johnson have proven the only point that matters. The GOP House caucus couldn’t pass a kidney stone. They’re going to come back after the holiday, and sit around in a circle-jerk of bad tempered demands and threats of shutting down the government if they don’t get what they want. Followed by the only two words Hakeem needs to say, Go ahead. 

Because this time Jefferies is going to have three non negotiable demands. The first will be the same, that the GOP caucus provide at least half the votes. The second will be no spending cuts. And the third is that the two current CR’s will be joined together in any future budget or CR. And he’ll get it, all of it for the simple reason that The Freedom Caucus Express is finally pulling into Bullsh*t Station. They’re flat out of track.

By the time that the House gets back from the Christmas break, they’ll be down to a 15 day time limit before the first CR expires. And the 2nd CR expires some 20 days later. And if the government is closed, the House can conduct no other business until the government reopens.

And believe me sweetheart, the House GOP caucus has better things to do. You know, like campaigning at home for their seats in the primaries? How is that going to work out do you suppose. These ballot mice running around their districts ass kissing for votes, while their senior constituents can’t get new Social Security or Medicare cards, their veterans can’t sign up for services they’re entitled to, and their lower income constituents can’t put food on the table because the SNAP program is shuttered, along with WIC?

MAGA Mike Johnson will be ready to offer to do Hakeem’s dishes, laundry, and yard work for the rest of the term. Moderate GOP House members will be circulating petitions to expel Bratty Matty from the House GOP caucus. And Jefferies will just smile.

Since this is the moment that Jefferies puts the hammer down. Once the CR debacle is fixed, there is almost nothing critical for the House to accomplish until after the election. The House can basically shut down for anything but bullsh*t committee hearings. But not if one of the concessions Jefferies demands is that the Minority Leader can call for Senate bills to br brought to the House floor for a vote. And if the MAGAt’s love Johnson so much, they can have him, since Jefferies will demand a change to the House rule Calling to Vacate the Chair. 

Elections have consequences. But so do gratuitous acts of brain numbing stupidity. The GOP House caucus isn’t just dysfunctional, it’s non operational. And they can either play ball with Jefferies for the least loss possible now, or he’ll just stand at the podium every day and call for a long term CR bill to be brought to the floor for a vote, and stand back and watch them keep digging the hole deeper. Sometimes life among the stupid can be so satisfying.

I thank you for the privilege of your time.