Convicted Scam Artist Trolls Trump With ‘Riker’s Island 101’ Tutorial

Dear Mr. Trump,

Depending on Cyrus Vance’s mood, there is approximately an 87% chance you will get closely acquainted with NYS criminal justice in the nearest future. Judging from my own experience and considering your vast resources and high incentive to flee, it’s inevitable you will end up remanded and sent to Rikers Island, which for a while was my terrain.

I feel that it’s my duty to share my newfound wisdom with someone who will have a plentiful of time and opportunity to put it to a good use—you.

So many memories!

While you’re navigating this terra incognita, keep in mind that the experience will be whatever you choose to make of it. I used to roll my eyes at people who say ‘It’s not what you’ve been handed, it’s how you take it.’ Now it’s your turn to find out if it works for you in practice. Do it right, and this involuntary retreat will quickly turn into something you can laugh about later.

Surely you will be pleased to discover that this is a surprisingly lawless place (for a government institution), where rules are a viewed as a mere suggestion and boundaries don’t exist.

Forget everything you’ve ever heard before—most people simply have no idea. It’s definitely not something you can learn about from a movie or TV. I came here judgment-free, if only due to the fact that no one bothered to tell me this was an actual place and not a relic of modern folklore—and look at me now! Now they say that I’m kind of killing it at being a model prisoner.

And for the most part, I agree—I think I handled it beautifully. Not only was I surviving, I was thriving.

And if I can do it, so, most likely, can you.

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First and foremost: get out of suicide watch/mental observation as soon as you possibly can—it’s neither a good look, nor something you want to be remembered by. That’s where the real crazies end up, unless they manage to fool the staff into thinking otherwise, and if you aren’t dying to learn everything about pros and cons of S1, you don’t want to be around that kind of energy. First impressions matter, and rolling into this jail while smelling of desperation and wallowing in self-pity is definitely not a way to commence your journey.

Another pro tip: pulling a medical emergency requiring an outside hospital trip is a tricky maneuver that can potentially backfire, ideally to be reserved for special occasions only, such as to delay one’s sentencing hearing or to ‘accidentally’ ruin prosecution’s plans to produce a witness. You want the attention, but not that kind.

You also want to stay out of PC—because who comes to Rikers to sit in protective custody? What a complete waste of time. Your best bet is GP (general population) in a high classification cell area—people here know they did it and don’t care what you think of them. You won’t be subjected to elaborate tales of delirious denial you will find in abundance in lowly criminal housing units. Acquired indifference is a good thing, something you will learn to appreciate as you gradually progress through the maze of institutional living. To put it simply—you want to be around real criminals, i.e. people with good prospects of being convicted of an A, B, or at least a C-grade felony, if only for the sake of the story. Or maybe that’s just a personal preference.

Another upside of this arrangement is that it will keep you away from amateur drug peddlers, petty thieves, mere unfortunates who are here ‘by mistake,’ and anyone else with a generally unoriginal offense.

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Getting arrested can at first seem extremely inconvenient. And I’m not going to embellish anything—I was very annoyed, I mean really bummed out to the point of no return when it happened—can’t they see that I’m busy? That I got things to do, places to get to? There is hardly a ruder way to cut into someone’s plans than to arrest them. Maybe being told that you’re the father comes somewhat close. I wouldn’t know.

But then I thought about it, and what was it really that I was missing that morning? Having to sit through another pointless lunch pondering someone else’s mediocrity? Officer? I’m over here.

Will you see it coming, or get ambushed like me? Whatever. The destination is the same.

In especially trying moments, just think about your street cred going through the roof—no PR person in the world could’ve orchestrated it better. See it the way I did—as an exciting adventure to an exotic, far-away island. Rikers is just stop number one and you won’t be kept here for too long. Therefore, while you’re here, try to explore as much as possible and see the entire compound, which will soon be turned into a museum. Consider it an early VIP preview, like at Art Basel. How many of your friends can say that?

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While dealing with the Department of Corrections employees—COs, captains, deps, wardens or whatever meaningless titles they like to bestow on each other—keep in mind that after me, you’re by far the most exciting thing that happened to them in these past months. All they really want from you is a story they can tell their cousin in Michigan about their wild ‘cop job’ in the city—so please don’t disappoint and give it to them, be gracious and don’t hold back. It will make them feel important and will go a long way when you get to the stage of acquiring ‘the essentials.’ Keep in mind that you are merely something new to talk about, until someone more famous comes along and the novelty of your presence wears off.

Learn from my mistakes. I had to pay a price for consistently being a ‘cunt’ to a certain group of COs in intake, and then someone named Martinez kept giving away my phone pin for others to use, so don’t. Or do—because whatever, fuck them, who cares. Making them think you’re easily thrown off by such a minor inconvenience will only fuel their desire to test your emotional limits. In the end, sabotaging your outside communication is literally one of the worst things they can do to you here, aside from trying to secure themselves a deal for a book they are planning on naming something original like Guarding the Duchess.

However you choose to proceed, don’t you worry—the beginning is always the hardest. That’s when you will find out how much you can get away with while dealing with individual cops, and vice versa. In comparison, the rest will be a breeze.

Whatever you do, don’t buy into any of that ‘good behavior’ bullshit—it’s a fairy tale they tell all new intakes to make their job easier.

You don’t know yet, but you will soon: being here is all about managing to have the most fun possible, against all odds and despite all their attempts to ‘direct order’ you left and right.

I was very bad, but on the down low. And you can be just like me!

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THE ESSENTIALS

Make right friends in security or someone in a similar position with enough pull and you may or may not be able to get a cell phone. But try not follow my example—don’t let your friends post pictures that completely coincidentally look a lot like they’ve been taken on this jail’s rooftop on your Instagram account, geotagging Rikers. It’s a fun story, but, as I had to discover, the DOC don’t really appreciate it when you make them look stupid while you’re in their custody. You don’t want to be inconvenienced by having all your belongings flipped while the aforementioned correctional professionals of highest rank are summoned by the warden herself to look for the phantom phone, or said friend to be a subject of an extended, blown-out-of-proportion NYPD investigation requiring multiple questionings and in-person detective visits. Keeping things on the DL is the key.

There are other ways to get attention. I’d give this 3 out of 10 at most.

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When a need for an impromptu unrecorded phone call arises (which was often for me), the phone in the chapel is by far the easiest one to gain access to on short notice. Just like when you’re running for office, it’s smart to have some religious affiliations—think ahead and never leave that ‘religion’ box empty when filling out your intake papers.

‘I am a Christian.’ Try telling me I’m not, Captain Johnson!

Simply go to the chapel to pray for a bit and ask your assigned spiritual guru to dial for you. If it’s international, have your people/lawyers three-way the intended recipient, and for added privacy speak French or German, or pretty much any other language that’s not English or Spanish, hoping they won’t be able to place it.

Still, it’s not the same as having your own personal phone, and, keeping in mind that it’s very unchristian to lie too often (except to yourself, then it’s ok), you won’t be able to get away with doing this on regular basis.

In which case you’ll just have to resort to paying other inmates on your unit for their phone time (which is, like your freedom, restricted)—making it one of the few occasions for the items you will purchase on commissary to actually come in handy. Get a bit of everything—you’d be surprised how not everyone is of the opinion that something called ‘fudge surprise’ should be illegal and distribution of same an unpardonable federal offense punishable with community service tending to the morbidly obese.

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FOOD

However you choose to look at it, food is a difficult one. If possible, stay away completely. No one with any self-respect can be expected to actually ingest the garbage they have the nerve to offer here. Good news is that you will most likely encounter multiple COs who will be more than willing to sneak you stuff from their cafeteria. The bad part is that their food is nothing to write home about either. What did you imagine?

So being in jail is a good time to detox from ubiquitous things like sugar, alcohol, dairy, fried and processed foods. Cleanse, lose some weight, become a vegetarian.

The few safe-to-consume items include salads, beans, fruits and vegetables (they aren’t organic, so peel off the skins), and single servings of gluten-free Cheerios. Everything else—just no.

The only acceptable use for most of the junk that’s for sale on commissary is to pay others to acquire more of the items from the eatable category, their phone time, silence, and other miscellaneous service and favors you will need, like cleaning and doing laundry. You will have no shortage of friends willing to take over mundane tasks for you. However, never underestimate the power of incentive—if you find someone who’s good at doing both, be a keeper and ensure they stay happy and well-paid. By the way of trial and error you will encounter many that will overpromise and underdeliver, and oftentimes it will be just easier to move to another cell and throw away the dirty things and have new ones sent in—there are no limits on how many panties, socks and t-shirts one can get. Weirdly, they actually allow you to pass dirty laundry to your visitors and have them bring it back to you next time they return, so if you like for your grey sweatsuit (no hoods or zippers!) to smell like Tom Ford’s Tuscan Leather, nobody will stop you.

I’ll skip over the part about uniforms because I’m guessing you will have little use for it. I can tell you are no slave to vanity and don’t frivolously squander your time on optics. Appreciate the fact that no female CO will ever suggest you to go take off your altered state pants and return ‘properly dressed’ as described the rulebook, directive §123.45.

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It will be a great challenge, but do your best to stay away from aspiring screenwriters and producers—those tend to not reveal themselves as such immediately. Same goes for Jesus freaks and newly reborn Christians, depressed white boys (too fickle), and anyone too chatty—nine times out of ten they are heavily medicated and will be impossible to get rid of. In your fragile state, you can hardly compete against someone else’s unfair advantage in form of boundless drug-boosted energy.

Note my strong personal distaste for squares and similar sorts of people, who are easily manipulated by cheap policing techniques—they are the reason those exist in the first place. ‘Do as we say or we’ll shut off the phones.’ Excuse me!? Go ahead, help yourself, why the wait?

You didn’t get where you’re at by playing by the rules, and neither did they, and now is definitely not the time to start. Jesus, aren’t people like that so annoying?

Squares and perennial victims are easily the two most dangerous inmate types, to be steered clear of completely. You’ll find out why soon enough.

Rappers and murderers are usually ok, although beware if they also happen to be Caucasian.

VISITS

Always check the name of whoever showed up see you before you come out on that visiting floor, and most definitely prior to dropping off caricature drawings of your prosecution intended strictly for private enjoyment only—don’t be like me and let The New York Times both cajole you into giving them an extemporaneous interview right before your sentencing and leave armed with the drawings to accompany their tell-all bombshell masterpiece of investigative journalism about how you are so not sorry and would do it all again, making you look like a complete idiot. All that just because you made the mistake assuming they were the visitor you were expecting.

It goes for both civilian and attorney visits—you don’t want ANYONE to be able to say they successfully managed to trick you into seeing them. Because random lawyers, too, will jump on the opportunity to drop by unannounced in a desperate attempt to convince you that you require their services. Like so many other things in life that are being offered to you for free, it’s either a trap or just another waste of your time. Tell them to go write you a letter, like everyone else.

RECREATIONAL ACTIVITIES

If anyone asks if you’d like to ‘volunteer,’ the answer is absolutely no! Stay away from any type of extracurricular programs, group activities or other commitments—trust me, so not worth it.

The same goes for getting a ‘job’—considering the time and effort it requires, the sheer entertainment value of it tends to be relatively low. The math simply doesn’t add up and my verdict here: pass.

Should you find yourself feeling charitable for whatever reason, the choices are plentiful: you could try improving your sickle skills as a part of the outside crew, type off mental health inmate grievances as a social services clerk, or try your hand at dough-kneading while fending off the faunal residents of the messhall who are here to enjoy some of your fresh-baked bread, to name a few.

You could do it once or twice, just for fun, as a way to check out the surroundings. Committing to couple of hours of every single one of these noble endeavors shall take care of any further fantasies about institutional recruitment you may be having for the foreseeable future.

Simply say you’re considering your options, then tell them it just wasn’t for you. Remember, at this stage of your confinement, they cannot make you do anything yet, so enjoy it as long as it lasts.

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If anyone straight up suggests you go and do something, just pretend like you have no idea what they’re talking about, and most of the time, they’d rather not deal with you at all. Little bit of patience and consistency on your part, and very soon they will stop asking altogether. You’ll get there.

I for example got banned from having any type of job in the entire facility on the fourth day, but it’s not about me right now.

And believe me, no one here is trying to teach you how to push a broom. Despite anything they may have told you, there is no shortage of janitorially-skilled individuals in this tight-knit community, so leave it to the pros to handle the dubious tasks. ‘I refuse to learn, because learning means subverting my beliefs and becoming a member of proletariat,’ my neighbor likes to say. She must know what she’s talking about—it’s her seventeenth time here, which makes the act of resistance even more of an achievement. I thought she deserved to get quoted here at least once.

Also don’t let them talk you into anything under the pretense that ‘it will make your time go by faster.’ As far as the Department of Corrections is concerned, you’re ‘not available for nothing.’ Whoever thinks that unpaid manual labor is a good use of their time, let them do it. Why take away that opportunity from someone else who can really benefit from hours of mopping hallways?

It took me some time to arrive at the conclusion that this is what rehabilitation is all about—everything ain’t for everybody, you pick whatever works for you. And you do want all your time for yourself—don’t allow them to take any of it!

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This forced break is a good opportunity to revisit previously intimidating classics such as War and Peace, Moby Dick and Crime and Punishment. Or, like me, think of it as a writer’s retreat, eliminate any potential distractions and pen something of your own—the possibilities are endless!

I personally would love to see you do great things—like host a jail comedy workshop, or commit to a humorous weekly column for ‘Rikers News from the Inside,’ or both.

Please?

You are one of the most underrated comedians of our age, and I know I can’t be the only one to share the sentiment. Unburdened from restraints of political correctness, just think about all the topics that were off-limits to you for the past four years. There never was a better time or place than now. Don’t let any of your potential go to waste. And when you blow up, don’t forget who put you on.

If your friend Lil Wayne can record songs and I can open eight bank accounts in Switzerland over that Rikers phone, the least you can do to give back to society is entertain the islanders with some ‘DT Sr., Unleashed.’

So what, they put you in jail. The joke’s still on them.

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A lot of the officers are just as bored by this situation as you are, and will happily bring bootleg DVDs (courtesy of their dealer from the pink houses on Canarsie) for you to watch together while they pretend to be hard at work, keeping you safe and alive for your next court appearance. Don’t just blindly trust their taste—be proactive and create a list to steer them into the right direction. Having to watch Mall Cop, Dumb and Dumber or all parts of the Scary Movie series ever made is not part of the punishment, ugly jail furniture is. However, don’t rush into staples like Paid in Full, Honor Up, Girls Trip, Silence of the Lambs and Cop Out just yet either—you will be seeing a lot of that shortly, at your next destination—the upstate NY prison.

Last thing (that you may have already discovered on your own)—I know for a fact that approximately every third CO at Rikers is not really a CO, but an aspiring actor/actress/movie director/politician/super CEO, just waiting for the right role/reality show/person to discover them, so it’s all not really that far away from what you’re used to. Ultimately, the odds are in your favor.

Be assured that they waste no time practicing their acting skills in real life, play-pretending to be a fearless public servant, policing the outlaws for their real and perceived transgressions, protecting the society from itself on its own behalf, bravely patrolling decrepit structures, wearing those instantly recognizable sweaty-looking dark blue uniforms as a sign of surrender to the art, sporting a pair of handcuffs and pepper spray for the sake of credibility, groping for their radio piece they always leave behind somewhere it shouldn’t have been in the first place, undaunted by any protocols or moral codes of behavior, dangling a bunch of keys for doors that never open, excelling at the metier of watching the cameras ensconced in a glass bubble, making the shit look easy. Also trying to make enough money so they can quit this pointless corrections/adult-sitting job, which always was a mere stepping stone on their path to superstardom.

Observing them brings up the thoughts of ‘Fake it till you make it, and when you do make it, keep faking it some more,’ and even though it’s only been like two years and some change, these thoughts appear so distant, like I used to think them decades ago, seeming so out of place and irrelevant against my current jail surroundings.

So when in doubt, just tell them that you will make some intros and pull some strings—that’s all they really want to hear. A glimmer of hope for a brighter future ahead, far away from this dump.

Depending on your audience, some other good things to say are that you are investing in progressive media and marijuana startups, on the side.

Now, even if they hate you, they really can’t deny you.

Congrats, you solved the Rikers puzzle.

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To me the twisted and toxic beauty of this place is the same kind as the beauty of the New York City subway—while everyone is trapped in the same repugnant space underground, inhaling the same noxious fumes, the only thing that really matters is that everyone without exception is headed someplace new and better, confident in their knowledge that they’re just passing by, that no one is here to stay. The present here always comes with an expiration date—sometimes slowly and lazily, sometimes suddenly and violently morphing itself into the future, almost/barely satisfying the craving for the constant state of transition.

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I had no one to teach me any of this before I got here, they told me to go solve my own puzzles. I had to learn directly from the streets. And yards and hallways. I am an autodidact.

It feels great to finally be able to share all this invaluable advice, so millions of future convicts (fun stat—nearly one out of every 100 people in the U.S. will get to come to a jail or a prison at least once in their lifetime. Sounds like an industry on the rise!) around the world (they’ll arrange to extradite you from anywhere if they feel like you’re worth it) will be armed with knowledge to turn it into a smooth sailing.

Telling my story is what really makes me glow from within!

I feel so grateful for my state-issue tablet and for my innate linguistic prowess, and even if just one single aspiring felon will have an easier time navigating the corrections system after reading this, it would already be more than I could ever hope to achieve for myself, and my work here will be truly complete. Greatest gift ever.

Did I succeed in showing you how easy it all is? I am in the process of turning this experience into something bigger and better.

My deviant tendencies aside, I think I’m such a good person in general, and so many great things are happening to me already. And whoever said otherwise, thank god I never listened.

You’re welcome!

Yours,

Anna Delvey
January, 2021