Q: What do Stormy Daniels and soy bean farmers have in common?
A: They both got schlonged by Donald Trump
The story is like a cross between a Mel Brooks movie and a Steve Martin movie, we’ll call it Young Jerkinstein. An aging, dumpy, philandering faux billionaire, with the class and intellect of a drill press, hooks up with a porn star. The porn star manages to get a quick spanking in before submitting to the shortest and least satisfying experience of her life. Determined to make something positive out of the miserable evening, she shops a kiss-and-tell-all story around town. The two timing billionaire immediately dispatches his personal Ray Donovan to discreetly silence the porn star by lobbing bricks of $100 bills at her. Said fixer is so discreet that the payoff hits the front page of every newspaper in the world, and the porn star sues the fixer for being as childish and inept at bribery as his boss is in bed. *roll credits*
Every great movie deserves a sequel, so here we go. An aging, dumpy, conniving Presidential candidate, with the morals and ethics of a resort timeshare salesman, hooks up with a bunch of soy bean farmers. The candidate promises them instant riches, through higher prices from a trade war he’ll start. The farmers, with dollar signs sparkling in their eyes, go into the voting booth, bend over, and pull the lever. The Candidate stuns everybody by actually keeping his promise, starting a trade war not only with China, but Canada, Mexico and the European Union as well. Soy bean prices fall faster and farther than Gandalf fighting the Balrog in Lord of the Rings. Angry soy bean farmers converge on Washington, demanding GOP lawmakers put the toddler back in his playpen for a nap. The Toddler in Chief tries his own hand at bribery, proudly telling soy bean farmers that he’s scotching $12 billion from the USDA emergency fund to defray the losses they suffered from the trade war that they elected him to start. *Fade to black*
The only thing more ridiculous than the fact that these two stories are actually true is the stunning hypocrisy. After all, Donald Trump is a Republican, right? And Republicans don’t believe in charity and bailouts, just ask Paul Ryan. Eddie Munster has spent his entire legislative career trying to throw social security, medicare, medicaid, food stamps, and the entire social safety net into the Ayn Rand wood chipper. But on this one, Ryan is a silent as a tomb, riding out the calendar until January, when he can go home to Wisconsin, where the smell of horseshit comes from a barn, and not the Oval Office.
Farmers are traditionally portrayed as staunch, salt-of-the-earth, reliable conservatives. Which means that they are the first ones on their feet in the airplane hangar, whoopin’ and hollerin’, stompin’ and clappin’, while Glorious Bleater rants and raves about the takers! That’s right, those miserable, lazy black and brown people, chowing down on steak and lobster tail with money from your tax dollars! When will it end?!? I have a challenge for the farmers. I want any one of them to explain to me the difference between a worker at Walmart, who needs food stamps because the corporation won’t pay them a living wage, and a soy bean farmer that needs a bailout because his President pulled the market rug out from under his feet with a stupid, senseless trade war. Any takers?
So, congratulations John and Judy Q Farmer. Because let me tell you something, the day that you deposit that USDA bailout check, you cross the Rubicon pal. You are then officially a taker! That’s right, a leech, a drain on society, just another bum on the dole. So please, tell me, how does that feel?
