This piece originally appeared in Raw Story
Writing about the Trump administration encompasses White House statements that are clearly lies, actions taken that are inexplicable and incompetent at historic levels, mistakes so hilarious that one double-checks whether they clicked on The Onion, and appearances so mind-boggling as to have pre-frontal cortexes lobotomizing themselves. Incredibly, perhaps every six weeks, we see the powerball hit every button at once as happened with the latest news regarding Trump’s handpicked Board of Directors of the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts and its ongoing mission to create a theater that connotes more Trump performance art than Kennedy and real artists.
To wit: On Thursday, the board voted to “inscribe” Trump’s name just beneath the main signage, signage that clearly dedicated the entire center in memory of the slain young president whose family did appreciate and support all performing arts, not just artists who promoted Kennedy. The Board-approved inscription would read: “Restored and Renovated by President Donald J. Trump.”
Objection.
Before one even gets to the fact that Donald Trump will contribute exactly nothing to anything done to the Center, the plans are bereft of anything approaching “restoring” the global jewel to its original state. As every reader knows, “to restore” means to return to the original condition, except this renovation includes entirely new features that, given the pattern, will hit more tacky than tasteful, never mind “international masterpiece.”
But the tragic comedy doesn’t end there, indeed – nothing above was funny; no guarantees regarding the below.
In justifying its actions, the board resolved to state: “that the center desires to recognize and honor President Trump’s existential and unprecedented contributions to the survival of the center by all legal means.”
Having been promised laughter, perhaps pause momentarily.
On again. As we all can appreciate, in any universe, any country, any religion, or philosophical paradigm, under no circumstance or delusional fantasy has Donald Trump made an “existential” contribution to the Center, whether intended to ensure its survival or accidentally accelerate its already accelerating collapse, at least in importance. To be fair, no one could.
Not a single reader requires a dictionary definition offered, but because it adds giggles to the tears, Google states that existential means: “relating to human existence, being, or the philosophical study of how we find purpose.”
And yet a board dedicated to the most elite performing arts believes that Trump has added existential contributions to, well, a building. Even God, the questioned existence of whom might be the sin quo non of existential angst, never “contributed” to it, and that same God, real or believed fictional, just shook her head, batted a hand, and walked away. Pity, since a lot of us could use her help these days, deity or just Meryl Streep.
One worries that the Board thought the word “existential” represented a step beyond essential. We do know that we will never know. We also know that the people who released the statement are the same lot charged with renovating one of the world’s most revered auditoriums and campuses. If Trump did anything “relating to human existence,” it goes no further than diminishing ours, and as to “finding purpose,” well, yes- ending the madness might be a start.
We haven’t even gotten around to noting that all this may not only constitute criminal contempt of the English language but also court and the law, possibly violating an order that required mere Trump-level analysis, a very straightforward law and order that prohibited earlier attempts to add his name to the Center which a Court enjoined as violating that same law which says “no additional memorials or plaques in the nature of memorials shall be designated or installed in the public areas.”
And here again, we note that the board wants an inscription stating the Center was “Restored and Renovated by President Donald J. Trump.” Inscription means… Just kidding. We all know what they’re doing and can hear the argument made to the court already: “It says memorials or plaques; we’re simply noting that a president who remains alive – praise red hats everywhere – contributed, and doing so with a little engraving, no gaudy plaque.”
It will be a miracle if the U.S. District Judge Christopher R. Cooper doesn’t break down in an existential crisis, crying on the record that his mother was right; he should have been a radiologist and dealt with healthier people. Perhaps the judge might also note that we engrave things like the Gettysburg Address in memorials and thus an engraving almost screams its importance since it would take sandblasting that thing right after renovation… Dynamite might be useful anyway… maybe it’s not that big a problem.
And speaking of “unprecedented contributions” to the Center, it is helpful to note that there is, in fact, precedent for this type of work; it’s called overseeing its construction! And Google assures us, no one engraved, hung a plaque, wrote, painted, or colored anything in memorium of either Lyndon B. Johnson or Richard M. Nixon for so doing. One supposes that Trump believes those losers overlooked something critical, or just sees himself as a winner who deserves the praise. Sigh. Both.
The Board has some other tricks up their shorts. In Thursday’s resolution, they also stated that Trump, having brought this gorgeous venue of international renown, in their words, “from the brink of disaster” (Failing to include his name, presumably), presented further options that included naming the center’s grounds the “President Donald J. Trump Plaza.”
Their plans begin to conjure modern sports venues where ownership cannot sell enough naming rights: “Wegovy Stadium” encasing “McDonald’s Field” and the “Men’s Warehouse Scoreboard” (And you thought nothing could appropriately honor Donald Trump). Quite obviously, it would be better to avoid such tacky, money-grabbing tendencies and leave the Center honoring JFK alone. And also legal, which used to matter.
But if Donald Trump finds his way into naming something on the campus after himself, Wegovy really shouldn’t be far behind as perhaps a medication developed with an existential effort to keep the president healthy, such that nothing can be hung, engraved, glossed, or colored in memorium of him.
Perhaps a true memorial might be dedicated to him someday soon… No, no one is being mean. Just noting that it’s stunning that he hasn’t proposed renaming the Lincoln or FDR Memorial after himself as more deserving.
“But Mr. President, a memorial requires you to be… ”
“I don’t care! I want it done!”
Now that would require some kind of existential contribution.
Jason Miciak is a Raw Story Columnist, former Editor of Occupy Democrats, author, political consultant, attorney, and single parent girldad. Please follow on Bluesky, and he can be reached at [email protected] and appreciates commentary below.
“We haven’t even gotten around to noting that all this may not only constitute criminal contempt of the English language but also court and the law.” Donald J. tRump commits “criminal contempt of the English language” every time he lifts his tiny finger to post his blatherings on Truth Social.
“‘Wegovy Stadium’ encasing ‘McDonald’s Field’ and the ‘Men’s Warehouse Scoreboard.’ (And you thought nothing could appropriately honor Donald Trump)” You give such fantastic “word pictures” of what honors MAGA might bestow on the Paper Tiger President! Honor him indeed! Maybe Aaron Sorkin could be coaxed into creating a new television series called Beyond The East Wing:Ballroom Bunker Edition!
One thing is sure. No matter where Trump’s memorial ends up, it is destined to become a urinal.