Grimm’s Fairy Tale. Trump edition.


You know, if you’re a Democrat, as I am, unless your state is holding a primary, watching the primary returns come in from other states is kind of like watching the NFL on Sunday when your home team has a bye week. Who really cares about who wins in the Cleveland vs Tampa Bay game? You just sit there, keeping one eye on the score, and hope like hell that the Patriots or Cowboys are on the late game, so you can root for the other side.

The Democratic primaries this year have been almost as pastoral as baseball. With the exception of Robert “Moneybags” Menendez, Democratic incumbents have gone mostly unchallenged, and the open or GOP incumbent held seats have had spirited, but clean and peaceful races. It’s been kind of like watching your kids play “Chutes and Ladders” after dinner.

But finally, we have a race we can sink our teeth into, and it doesn’t even involve a Democrat. Today is the New York primaries, and the marquee race to watch is NY-11. The race pits incumbent Dan Donovan against challenger Michael Grimm. And this one has importance beyond the boundaries of the 11th district.

If the mane Michael Grimm rings a vague bell, it should. After all, he used to be a US congressman from New York. He’s the suave, sophisticated gent who once threatened a reporter that he’d “break him in half like a little boy,” and “throw him off of the balcony” of the capitol on camera. Grimm came a cropper a few years ago, when the DOJ referee sent him to the sin bin for untaxmanlike conduct, for playing fast and loose with his company books. But now Grimm is a free man, his debt to society paid, and he wants to go back to suckling at the federal payroll teat, so he can put together enough money to start another business and steal again.

This is why this race has implications reaching beyond the borders of NY-11. A few days ago, I wrote an article in which I pointed out that for all of his vaunted sway over his base, His Lowness has a piss poor record when it comes to endorsing GOP candidates. In races that really matter, Trump is pretty much batting “ofer” the game.

Michael Grimm is portraying himself as the kind of Trump acolyte so loyal that he sniffs Da Boss’s silk BVD’s, to see if they can be worn another day before washing. But Hair Twitler has gone all in for the incumbent, Dan Donovan. Trump came to the very sensible conclusion that having one foul mouthed, trash talking, New York scumbag associated with him is more than enough. The last thing that Trump needs is a Michael Cohen in the US House.

This is the problem for Trump in particular, and the GOP writ large. Trump’s unorthodox style, and stunning victory have led to a cottage industry of GOP candidates, all wanting to be “Trumpier than Trump.” But the problem is that for all of their cute annoying habits, and obnoxious behavior, they’re not Trump. What they are is unelectable. Trump came off as a “man of the downtrodden people,” these candidates come off as multiple account subscribers to the Peyote Button of the Month Club.

And best of all, there is a chance that Grimm can win this thing. The problem with most primaries is that the “base” rules, they’re low turnout affairs. Nowhere is this more true than in NY-11, where the citywide  turnout in the 2016 primary cycle was 8%. The fear is that the Donovan supporters will skip this one, thinking that Grimm is no threat, and the Trombies will show up in force. Team Trump is all hands on deck for this race, even having Donnie Redux take a break from his Babbel Russian lessons to record a robocall for Donovan, but the outcome is far from certain.

So my brothers and sisters, kick back, grab a six pack, fire up the Orville Redenbacher’s in the micro, and settle down to an evening of good old fashioned primary night fun. The GOP is scared that a Grimm win could put this district in play in November. And sometimes, it’s actually kind of fun to root for the bad guy.

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