I’m not a huge fan of Ron Perlman the actor. I liked Hellboy, hated Alien: Resurrection, and haven’t watched Sons of Anarchy because I think the title is pretentious (I understand it is excellent, so likely a bad decision on my part). But he obviously eats belligerent little boys masquerading as “lawmakers” for breakfast.

Twitter is, in a lot of ways, an ever-simmering fondue pot of weasel shit that sometimes comes to a boil and spatters everyone at the table. Over the last few days it boiled over. It started with one of the biggest idiots in the Republican caucus, Representative Matt Gaetz (R-Giggles at Fart Jokes).

Gaetz didn’t take well to the US Soccer’s Board of Directors decision to repeal its policy requiring athletes to stand for the National Anthem.

Showing an amazing lack of give-a-shit about Black Lives Mattering a damn, Gaetz responded that he’d rather see the US Soccer program disbanded than an athlete taking a knee during the anthem.

You shouldn’t get to play under our flag as our national team if you won’t stand when it is raised.

Don’t even get me started on the First Amendment and the Constitutionally given right to stand, sit, take a knee, or guzzle an entire bottle of Old Panther Sweat during the anthem. Just fuck off, Gaetz, you ignorant fascist.

The Twitterati apparently felt the same. After some epic dragging by people calling themselves NastyJerseyGirl and La Bifurcated Penis Strangiato (okay, I make shit up sometimes), among others, Perlman weighed in.

Yeeowch. Compared to some of the other responses, Perlman’s wasn’t a carefully crafted insult pearl, but it had plenty of backhand to it. Gaetz, predictably, didn’t like it, and since Perlman wasn’t physically anywhere around to send Gaetz scurrying under the furniture, he answered.

Oooh. Now this is the work of a veteran internet troll. “Racial justice warrior.” “Hollywood.” Nice Fox News callouts, fartboi. Also notice that Gaetz doesn’t seem to understand that Perlman’s choice to play a white supremacist biker gang leader on TV doesn’t make him a hypocrite if, in real life, he is a #BLM supporter. Which he is.

No one ever accused Gaetz of having any mental firepower. Or consistency, since he brought an actual white supremacist, the odious Chuck Johnson, to the State of the Union address. (Gaetz’ defense? “I had no idea who he was.” Gaetz is an infantile liar.) Perlman pointed that out a little later during their exchange:

but I don’t want to get too far out of order here.

Perlman dropped another Twitter depth charge:

showing a complete mastery of throwing insult bombs back at the giver with twice the explosive power (okay, Perlman was a bit crude here, but this isn’t Oscar-level scriptwriting or anything). He tossed another one shortly thereafter:

Double ouch. This one had to hurt. Playing his base with insults targeting Hollywood when it’s really Gaetz and his cult masters who are ripping them off. (And yes, it tickled my heart to have an award-winning actor call a Republican congressman “fuckboi” on Twitter. O.M.G.)

Anyone sensible should have realized that Perlman is a) good at this and b) bored enough to continue. Gaetz should have acted like a Venerated Lawmaker and walked away with the shreds of his dignity intact. But noooooo. (And he has no dignity whatsoever.)

While it’s clear as glass that Gaetz is getting his ass handed to him, he tries, like any elementary school bully who finds himself on the short end of the exchange with a kid smarter than him (i.e. every kid in class), he tried to twist it around. “It’s an honor to be called an asshole by some Hollywood clod! And your choice to continue slapping my face on Twitter PROVES I’m right and you’re wrong! Ya ya! Trump 2020!”

Now, if you think this whole thing is degenerating into a pissfight that Perlman should probably just step away from, I wouldn’t disagree with you. However, I love slapping around trolls as much as anyone, and baiting a US Congressman on Twitter is quite tempting. So, I won’t throw stones at Perlman. Who wouldn’t give in to temptation?

Now that left a mark. “Gerrymandered district.” We all know that Florida is gerrymandered up the rectal chute, and that is the only reason idiots like Gaetz are in Congress and not trying to figure out the mysteries of the Dairy Queen shake machine. (Gaetz tried to claim that because of Florida’s geography, it’s impossible for his district to be gerrymandered, but we’ve already determined that Gaetz is a yawping idiot who can’t identify himself in a mirror without assistance, so we’ll leave that tweet in the vault.)

Now, this Gaetz response is interesting, because it opens the door for what is about to slouch into the arena.

Note the bit where Gaetz tries to portray himself as a real “tough guy” and Perlman as just another spaghetti-wristed Hollywood poseur. (Has he actually met Perlman?!?) Keep that in mind.

For some reason, Perlman decided to double down and slam Jim Jordan (R-I Heart Pedophiles):

Not sure why, aside from the “ugly” joke, Perlman decided to drag Jordan into this. Yes, this whole exchange is going down the drain and headed right into the sewer. It is Twitter, after all. But now, a third party struts in. Ted “The Enforcer” Cruz, either having been summoned by the floundering Gaetz or, more likely, roused to flatulent anger by Perlman’s insulting Gym Jordan, decides to lose his own dignity and toss a firecracker into the morass:

Wow. Let’s try to understand this a bit. Gaetz was almost certainly the smirking bully who pummeled those smaller than him and cried for his rich daddy when he got in trouble for it. Cruz, on the other hand, has spent his entire life with a “Kick My Ass” sign taped to his back. He has the face and the attitude of someone who just makes your fist itch, you want to punch him so badly.

So, predictably, Cruz reaches for one of his trusty elementary school weapons of choice: “Let’s you and him fight!” He challenges Perlman, for $10,000 of presumably real doleros and not Monopoly money, to wrestle Jordan for five minutes without getting pinned.

Remember. This is a U.S. Senator doing this. Did he ask Jordan about this before throwing him into the mix? (From what I can tell, Jordan didn’t respond to Cruz or Perlman on Twitter.) Is this how Cruz envisions solving policy debates, by sending their attack dog Jordan to wrestle Democrats and liberals into submission? Did Cruz get a little wood thinking about those prospects?

Ewww.

Perlman, predictably, was delighted.

Cruz, that wasn’t a shark that just bit your typing fingers off. Perlman reminded the world that you smooched Trump’s ass after he denigrated your wife and accused your daddy of assassinating John F. Kennedy.

Cruz is still the gutless, hateful twerp that plots revenge for all the time he got atomic wedgies in gym class. (Wonder if Jordan looks like one of the guys who forced Cruz to go bobbing for horse apples in the boys’ room toilet?)

Perlman doesn’t let himself get distracted by the garbage “why don’t you prove your manhood by wrestling the Republican caucus’s designated tough guy” bit.

No, Rafael Theodore. Perlman has no interest in Jordan. He would rather watch you squirm to the tune of $50K to BLM and, well, whatever Cruz is stealing from the Treasury.

Gaetz stopped responding after that, and the rest of the exchange just degenerated into Perlman calling Cruz out for being a gutless bitch and Cruz trying, and failing, to ask Perlman why he’s scared to wrestle Jordan. (Perlman did get a nice zinger at Jordan’s alleged facilitation of pedophilia.)

So why in the Nine Hells of Dante “The Uppercut” Jones does any of this make any difference at all?

It doesn’t. But.

Keep in mind that while Perlman is lounging around his Hollywood bungalow or Idaho mountain cabin or wherever the hell he lives, waiting for sane people to come out of quarantine and start shooting films again, Gaetz and Cruz are supposedly busy little beaver legislators, too busy with doing the work of the American people to fuck around on Twitter with currently nonworking actors. Okay, I didn’t keep a straight face while typing that.

It shows what absolute, imbecilic, worthless clowns Gaetz and Cruz are for engaging in this back-and-forth. It shows what a pack of juvenile degenerates the Republican Congressional Caucus is. (Did Kevin McCarthy rein in Gaetz? Did Mitch McConnell advise Cruz to shut his fool mouth? Not to my knowledge.)

And, ultimately, it shows how easy it is for an actor with some sense and an instinct for the jugular can totally dismantle two of “America’s finest Republican lawmakers.”

Hah.

Final thought: if Trump had lost in the primaries in 2016, the winner would likely have been…Ted Cruz. Ted “Let’s You and Him Fight While I Cower Under the Bleachers” Cruz. Think he would have been any better than Trump? Not by much, he wouldn’t.

Let’s give the last word to Cruz’s Democratic opponent, M.J. Hegar.

You know, if during one of their debates, if Hegar jumps over and puts Cruz in a full nelson just to make him cry, I wouldn’t object.

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1 COMMENT

  2. And I thought mr.hanky was the only talking turd. Maybe these esteemed loads can leave their important congressional trolling to do an episode.

  3. If MJ Hegar jumped over and grabbed Cruz, I suspect he would pee his pants. (sorry for crudeness, I couldn’t resist)

  5. “You know, if during one of their debates, if Hegar jumps over and puts Cruz in a full nelson just to make him cry, I wouldn’t object.”

    I can imagine Cruz’s reaction: “Get her off ME!!!” An allusion to “RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 3” when Mimi Imfurst and India Ferrah were lip-syncing for their lives. India gets off the stage to lip sync directly to the judges when Mimi follows her down, lifts her bodily onto her shoulders and carries her back on-stage while India’s yelling “Get her off me.” When the lip sync concludes, Ru sends Mimi home, admonishing her that “Drag is not a contact sport.”

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