OK, so I’m a slacker. I should have gotten to this earlier, especially since I made a federal stink about it on Saturday, but I spent most of Monday stomping around the house, high fiveing myself in the mirror, and singing We are the champions! and then this little distraction called the Iowa caucuses came up. So sue me.
I was right, the Sunday morning talk shows this week were not the Republicans’ friends, and they knew it. For starters, the line up seemed a little off to me. From what I saw, the surrogates largely sat this one out, leaving the senators to take their lumps rather than interfere. And the attitude was off too. Usually, when defending Trump, GOP shills and incumbents like to use that sarcastically condescending attitude, like they’re trying to teach quantum physics to the dog. This time there was no attitude, in fact they acted like a nerd on a first date.
But the performances of the senators exceeded expectations, if by that you mean covering yourself in the mud at the bottom of the river instead of just digging around in it. Squeaky Susan Collins and her backup sob sisters singers were terrible. Collins actually defended letting Trump off by saying that he had learned his lesson, and that he was chastised. When asked why he would feel chastised, Collins replied, Because he was impeached. Surely you jest Madame Senator. Trump has already made it clear that with your rigged “exoneration,” he considers the impeachment null and void.
You know what Susan Collins reminded me of in her interview? A woman in her early or mid 40’s, a single mom. In response to a phone call, she goes down to the police station to pick up her teenage son. She screams at him all the way home in the car, and then cries and pleads with him all through dinner. After dinner, while she’s telling him he’s grounded, he picks up the car keys and burns rubber out of the driveway. When her neighbor comes over to console her, Collins tells her, “Oh no, it’s good. He’ll be fine now, he’s been chastised.”
The male Senators, led by “Grumpy” Lamar Alexander fared no better. They came on all solemn and stern, saying how they had made their displeasure loud and clear to Trump, and he knows he’s out of second chances. Yeah, right. They came off looking like Charles Grodin in Midnight Run, leaning over the backyard fence, telling a neighbor how they had to teach the kid a lesson. Except the “kid” is 6’5″, weighs 255 pounds, and is the high school varsity starting middle linebacker. The last time the old man taught that kid a lesson was when he helped him with his math homework in 3rd grade.
But mostly what those GOP senators looked like, at least to me, was shell shocked and ashamed. This all started out as a prank, a stupid practical joke, like egging somebody’s house on Halloween, but then a window got broken, and now they’re all standing in front of the judge. They know there’s no good excuse, and they know that their story sucks, but it’s either hang together, or hang separately. But if what they told their interrogators on Sunday is their best story, then when they get home this time, I think they’re gonna find that Mama has those car keys in her purse, and a brand new dead bolt lock on their bedroom door.
To know the future, look to the past.before the insanity of the 2020 election, relive the insanity of the 2016 GOP primary campaign, and the general election, to see how we got to where we are. Copies of President Evil, and the sequel, President Evil II, A Clodwork Orange are available as e-books on Amazon, at the links above. Catch up before the upcoming release of the third book in the trilogy, President Evil III: All The Presidents Fen