Friends and fellow Zoomers, we at PolitiZoom have taken a sacred vow to direct our readers to those artistic efforts which are so horrifically bad, that they’re great — not to mention hilarious — and to award such nefarious offerings, all at the same time. Few cinematic efforts are worthy of our highest honor, the Zoscar, (a statue in the shape of a furry white bear paw with prominent claws, otherwise known as a “FawPaw”) but this year one film has distinguished itself and will take home the prize. This epic is called “Santa Jaws.”
It was produced by the same people who brought us “Sharknado” a masterpiece which tried to hire Donald Trump to play the president of the United States, before reality took a deranged fork in the road and he got the honor for real and was unavailable to play it on the silver screen. And believe us, the writers of “Sharknado” could not dream up scenarios and dialogue remotely approaching the bizarro alternate universe that Trump has provided us extemporaneously, albeit unintentionally.
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the reef
Not a creature was swimming in fear of those teeth.
The fear of carnage and destruction filled everyone with dread
For Santa Jaws was coming and they all would soon be dead.
— 💉Plague Daddy🩸 (@Arrogant_Shark) December 24, 2019
"Ho, Ho, Ho, you son of a Fish."
Santa Jaws (2018)
— 📽 Alfred Murphy 🎅 (@AlfredMurphy99) December 24, 2019
Feast your eyes and ears and be glad that smell-o-vision hasn’t been invented yet, because this movie really stinks.
Go over to SyFy, without further ado and hear how the ominous ba bomp music as the shark swims through the water has been replaced with jingle bells. Seriously, you have to see this.
The runner up for this year’s Zoscar was a late entry for worst movie of the year, and a definite contender for worst movie of the decade, the screen version of “Cats!” I predicted that horror months ago. Here’s what I wrote in July, when the first trailer came out. Turns out I was right. Rolling Stone gave “Cats!” zero stars. They called it, “a Broadway musical straight out of the litter box” Ouch.
Let the sheer grinding monotony of Cats stand as a measuring stick for future cinematic takes on Broadway musicals that hope to match its unparalleled, bottom-feeding dreadfulness. In his prize-winning Angels in America, playwright Tony Kushner wrote a scene in which the rat-bastard lawyer Roy Cohn is on the phone sucking up to a client who wants tickets to a Broadway smash. When the caller says, “Cats,” Cohn sticks his fingers down his throat and mock vomits. Look for that gesture to be repeated by all who must endure this hellish fiasco of a film version. This disaster of a movie shouldn’t happen to a dog.
The Los Angeles Times calls it a “CGI generated horror.” Take :37 and check out this travesty.
— Will Tempfer (@wtempfer) July 19, 2019
Seriously, when top critics start echoing and amplifying the sentiments of your humble reviewer here at PZ, namely myself, when the spirit of Addison DeWitt (remember the evil theater critic in “All About Eve?”) descends upon me, you know that a show is a castastrophic bomb — no pun intended.
In any event, enjoy these video snippets, our Christmas present to you, our readers! And Merry Christmas from the Bear family, Ursula, Smokey, Paddington, Pooh, and Little Gummi. We excommunicated Trumpie Bear for obvious reasons — but even he can redeem himself if he just bites the grizzly-phobic and otherwise deranged Betsy DeVos in the butt.