How amusing that the cyber bully of all time couldn’t get named TIME Magazine’s Person of the Year, once again. That’s undoubtedly part of the rancor that is fueling his epic Thursday rage tweet fest, which so far has exceeded the length of any of his other twitter tempests. But fear not, in an alternate reality not too far from here, Andy Borowitz has found a source of comfort for Donald Trump. He’s somebody’s Person of the Year. And isn’t that what counts, to be loved by somebody?
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)— […]
“Once a year, we at Popular Sociopath recognize the person who best epitomizes sociopathic-personality disorder, which manifests in antisocial behavior and a total absence of conscience and concern for others,” Harland Dorrinson, the magazine’s editor, said. “We are delighted to bestow this honor, once again, on Donald J. Trump.”
Dorrinson said that Trump bested a daunting roster of competitors for the title, including the Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell; the Fox News host Tucker Carlson; and Trump’s own son Donald J. Trump, Jr.
“Honestly, though, it wasn’t close,” the editor said.
When asked if he had reached out to his son since surpassing him for the magazine’s honor, Trump told reporters, “Why would I do that? I don’t care what he thinks or feels. This is all about me. What a stupid question. You’re worthless.”
Through our network of intrepid Washington moles, PolitiZoom was able to obtain a recording of life in the Oval Office on this iconic day of Trump rejection and here is a transcript:
Trump: “Aaaarrgghhh! How can that little *%(#@ Greta Thunberg be named Person of the Year at TIME instead of me! She’s not a person! She’s a girl! Melania, do something!”
Melania: “I can’t. If I go after her, then people will remind me that just a few days ago I went after that law professor who made a crack about Barron, who’s only three years younger and it will blow up in my face. You got yourself up this tree, you find a way down yourself. I’m going shopping.”
Trump: “Somebody get me Fox News on the phone. Call Sean Hannity!! And somebody look up what ‘sociopath’ means.”
Aide: “Hannity’s not answering. And the switchboard says they can only take a message.”
Trump: “Give me that phone. (screams into receiver) “YOU PEOPLE NEED TO REMEMBER WHO PUT YOU WHERE YOU ARE!! Hello?? You handed me a dead phone! YOU’RE FIRED!”
Aide: “But mister president, they were on the line, I swear! Wait a minute. Sir, there’s a call coming in for you right now from Popular Sociopath.”
Trump: (taking phone and preening) “This is the president.”
PS: “President Trump, there’s been a terrible mistake made with respect to the Person of the Year award. Our publisher just called and said it’s been corrected.”
Trump: “Well, that’s a relief to know. I knew that TIME had screwed up bigly. Are they going to apologize? They better. I think they need to give me extra time as Person of the Year, person of the two years or something.”
PS: “No, mister president, it’s not that Person of the Year award that was wrongly awarded. It’s ours.”
PS: “Yes, Sir. There was a mistake. It’s a joint award, going this year to Jared and Ivanka. Ivanka’s blind avarice in talking to Christopher Steele about getting her clients in Russia and China was a key part of the decision making process, although Jared’s slumlord activities and subsequent persecution of his impoverished tenants made him a sociopath for the ages, by our reckoning. The two of them in concert were just too much to pass up. You should be proud of your contribution to this award, sir. Breeding tells.”
Trump: (picks up his lunch and begins throwing Big Macs and fries at the portraits of presidents in the Oval Office. They in turn roll their eyes.) “AAAARRRGGGGGHHHHH!!”
Fade to black