*Trump will be damned if he’ll be impeached without letting everyone around the world hear about it.*
This storm cell has been brewing, fueled by an updraft of bad news originating in the minds of the non-“Loyal.”
A treacherous Tweet storm of the “Trumphon type” was unleashed this morning. The storm has yet to relent, battering the East Coast and moving west, east, south and north at the speed of light. Trump, as a force of nature unto himself, unleashed over seventy tweets prior to nine this morning, clocking in at 70.0 on the DJT Scale. All citizens are encouraged to seek cover, alcohol, comfort foods such as pizza, Kentucky Fried Chicken (Extra Skin) as many hamberders as your family can reasonably store. Depending upon your state, the soothing plant of your choice may be used for extra medicinal purposes.
The fury of the storm ravaged electrons and even innocent one’s and zeros the net over, some elderly devices succumbed to the blizzard, it will take weeks for an official toll. Other electronic devices were rendered useless due to a rare electro-tantrumped pulse, leaving holders stunned. Many citizens in desperate search of common sense wandered outdoors in a trance, many utilizing the comfort provided by therapy dogs, who themselves could smell both bullshit and danger.
Many noted Twitterologists braved the storm in an attempt to lower heartrates and bring fair warning to innocent phone holders everywhere:
Trump posted two more tweets/retweets while I wrote my tweet. Up to 68 now and counting!
— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) December 12, 2019
God bless you, Mr. Ropar. Please, save yourself.
The storm was especially dangerous for innocent children who found themselves at the mercy of a power scientists have only yet begun to understand:
Among the tweets sent out by the president include angry attacks on Thunberg, whom the president accused of having anger management issues after she was named Time Magazine’s Person of the Year;
Jason Miciak, an obscure expert in the matter, speculated that future dangerous storms might be avoided if cell towers in certain very specific areas of the country be shut down when conditions prove ripe for such a relentless storm. Said Miciak: “For instance, like Thursdays, or even most days, until a full year from now.”
Some of the damage wrought was long anticipated, allowing victims finding themselves within the vortex to take cover on a beach in a tropical island without wifi.
The main cell quickly generated offshoots which seemed purposely issued to distract from those in direct path of destruction.
Getting VERY close to a BIG DEAL with China. They want it, and so do we!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) December 12, 2019
****An official report has now been issued by the Twitter Storm center****
Current: Unpresidented Tweetstorm — take cover immediately — THIS IS NOT A DRILL; 61% chance Donald Trump wrote this himself.
This is tweet number 680 mentioning China from Donald Trump — 323 since inauguration.
— Trump Weather Report (@realtrumpweathr) December 12, 2019
This warning is to be taken seriously. We urge all Zoomers and their loved ones to shut off their electric Twitter machine and hug a loved one. Pray.
Beaches are close to prevent the danger-seeking from surfing the surge. Preliminary studies show some hope in new treatment modalities. For some, frequent use of snark, liberally spread, can decrease the impact of the brunt of the storm.
Peace, y’all, but get yourselves under cover!
firstname.lastname@example.org and on Twitter @MiciakZoom