The Truth Is Out There The X-Files
Did anybody here ever see that 1997 movie “Conspiracy Theory?” In short, it’s about a cab driver (Mel Gibson), who believes that basically everything that happens in the world is a part of a vast conspiracy, most specifically about him. And then it starts to look like secret forces are after him, because one of his theories was actually correct, but in order to save his own life, he has to figure out which theory was the real one. What can I say? It killed two hours.
In order to subscribe to most conspiracy theories, you must be able to do two different mental gymnastics tricks at the same time. One, there is no such thing as luck, or blind chance. If it rains on the day you were supposed to go to the ball game, that’s a conspiracy. Specifically, it’s a conspiracy by the other team. They knew that you were coming, and that you were going to wear your lucky jock from high school, the one you wore on the one game that you actually played in, and haven’t washed since, and they were going to get their asses kicked as a result. So they fired up a plane, dusted the clouds, and rained out the game.
The second mental contortion is suspending the belief that you might not actually be very good at something. You personally, make Albert Einstein look like Benny HILL, so if one of your intricate, finely tuned plans comes a cropper, of course it’s because of some shadowy cabal who are acting in secret against you. What other reason could there possibly be that you didn’t become rich and famous on that worm farm you started on that primo property in the Mojave Desert?
Emperor Numbus Nuttus is a conspiracy theory wonk of the highest order, and has been all of his life. Forget the fact that he spent so much money on schlock and gilt in building his hotel-casinos in Atlantic City that they couldn’t make a profit at 100% occupancy, and a casino ranking out at 120%. It had to be the hidden interests in the hotel and casino industry who were jealous of Trump’s incredible looks and success with women, trying to take him down a peg for invading their turf. And if course Trump never won an Emmy for The Apprentice, the Hollywood glitterazzi were jealous of Trump for living the dream that they could only make come true through fiction on the silver screen. And of course Barack Obama was a Kenyan Marxist, after all, he was younger, more intelligent, better spoken, and more handsome than Trump, which is of course impossible, since he was black.
Which is what makes Der Gropinfurors most recent plunge into the turgid waters of dark, malevolent conspiracy theories more than just a little bit confusing. Can you spot the common thread of all of the conspiracy theories posted above, and of all conspiracy theories in general? They all end up working against the best interests of the person positing the conspiracy theory in the first place. In order for it to be a decent conspiracy theory, the conspiracy has to work specifically against the person espousing the conspiracy theory. In other words, the person with the conspiracy theory has to be getting the shit end of the stick from the people behind the conspiracy.
Trump has been tweeting and retweeting conspiracy theories about Jeffrey Epstein’s purported suicide all day. Including the one where Epstein was either killed, and covered up to look like a suicide, conned into committing suicide, or secretly left alone and allowed to commit suicide, because, DUH! the Clinton’s of course! But when you look at it as a conspiracy theory, it falls flatter than Trump’s claim that his hand size doesn’t mean that he isn’t hung like Seattle Slew. Because, where is the negative effect on Trump in that conspiracy theory?
Let’s crack open our history books here for a moment. Trump has been connected socially with Jeffrey Epstein for more than 20 years. They have been photographed together, Epstein had multiple contact numbers for Trump in his “little black book,” and Trump himself praised Epstein as a “great guy, a lot of fun to be around,” even noting that Epstein liked eye candy as much as Trump himself, although Epstein’s choices tended to be a bit on the younger side. And dating as far back as the original Epstein scandal in the early 2000’s, there have been rumors and allegations that Trump himself was not immune to the charms of some of Epstein’s young victims, charges The Orange Julius bitterly denies.
Trump’s newest legal Chia Pet, Tubby the Ewok, is absolutely livid about Epstein’s death in custody of an agency that reports to the DOJ, and has sworn that no stone will be left unturned in exposing the actual circumstances surrounding this infamous pervert’s death. Really? From the day he oozed into the DOJ, Bill Barr has done nothing but throw whitewash over every Trump original sin. From misrepresenting Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s findings, to involving the DOJ directly in cases concerning Trump that they have no legitimate interest in litigating, to writing bullshit legal opinions instructing potential witnesses to defy legitimate House committee subpoenas, Barr has been Trump’s primary protector against truth and fact. And this slob is going to be an honest broker in getting to the bottom of the death of a criminal tied directly to his boss?
You remember what I said a couple of paragraphs earlier? In order to be a successful conspiracy theory, the conspiracy has to work to the detriment of the person espousing the theory. But in the case of Trump’s latest e-ranting, among the rich and powerful, shadowy figures who stand to benefit from the death of Jeffrey Epstein, and his resulting eternal silence, who is prominent among them? Well, bless my soul, none other than Donald Juan Trump. Trump isn’t one of the biggest victims in his latest conspiracy theory, he’s one of the biggest potential beneficiaries of it! And that negates the entire premise of the conspiracy theory right there.
I previously laid out Trump’s grand conspiracy of why he never won an Emmy, because of Hollywood’s incredible jealousy of him. It turns out that the real reason is much simpler, and more pedestrian. Trump never won an Emmy simply because he’s to stupid to grasp the fundamental plot in the script!