Ohhh, sorry about that. I didn’t mean to knock over that china cabinet, but you looked so funny, laying there on the sofa with your eyes closed, moaning and rubbing your temples, that I accidentally fell against it laughing.
I’ve never been one to celebrate New Years Eve. If I’m going to get all dressed up, go out somewhere, and spend a ton of money drinking until I’m shitfaced, I prefer to do it on a night when the cops aren’t already guaranteed to have sobriety roadblocks set up on every street between where I am, and home. You can call it a personal quirk, nut I call it self preservation.
Besides, I don’t celebrate New Years Day on January 1st. All January 1st means to me is the last day of college bowl games, which if I remember correctly, means that today we see the Quaker Oats Cereal Bowl, the Uncle Ben’s Rice Bowl, and the Trump Organization Toilet Bowl. I celebrate New Years Day on the first day of the new legislative year, which means that tomorrow night, I’m gonna be partying like it’s 1542!
In the years to come, Donald Trump will look back, and come to see how lucky he was that he didn’t fly off to Mar-A-Lago to ruin everybody elses New Years Eve. Trump had to be piss miserable last night, sitting around the presidential residence, watching TV coverage of the celebrations, and quietly fuming that there were no cameras filming the festivities at any of his schlock resorts. But at least it means that he won’t have that falling-out-of-an-airplane feeling on Thursday when Nancy Pelosi passes a clean continuing resolution to reopen the government, and puts him behind the eight ball. He’ll already be in a shit mood. If there’s anything that can make Trump suddenly develop a mystery case of bone spurs and limp on out of the White House in the next 20 months, it’s a combination of Robert Mueller and Democratic House subpoenas.
But there’s one man in America who didn’t drink a drop last night, and yet he’s still laying around on the sofa in his UK BVD’s, with his eyes closed, moaning like an avalanche survivor and rubbing his temples. Yep, Yertl the Turtle is a man who has been laid very low today.
Mitch McConnell realizes that his salad days are over starting today. Up until now, it’s been a honeymoon cruise for McConnell. His only job has been to churn out judicial nominees to take the country back to the 1870’s for the next thirty years. That’s it. His motto was from the old Mel Brooks film “Blazing Saddles”, “Legislating? We don’t need no steenking legislating!” McConnell could let the drooling idiots in the GOP dominated House pass anything its little heart desired to gin up the base, knowing that he could blame it on the Democrats when it couldn’t garner a 60 vote cloture vote in the Senate. Which suited McConnell just fine, considering that almost anything that ginned up the Trump base was anathema to 70% of the country.
McConnell will be tossed into the River Styx by 1 PM on Thursday afternoon. Speaker (God I love how that sounds!) Pelosi has already said that the first order of the new House will be to pass a continuing resolution identical to the one that passed out of the senate by a voice vote. current spending levels, with $1.3 billion for border security, but no concrete wall. What does McConnell do? If he calls it to a vote, and it passes, he puts Trump in the position of either signing the bill and looking like he capitulated to his base, or veto the bill, and take final, full responsibility for the shutdown. And if McConnell refuses to bring the bill to the floor, “because the President won’t sign it if it passes,” then it is no longer the “Trump shutdown,” it now becomes the “Trump-McConnell shutdown,” And the last thing McConnell wants is any of that stink rubbing off on him. Poor Mitchy-poo is caught between a rock, and a very hard nother rock.
And that’s just the salad portion of the smorgasbord of shit that McConnell and his Senate are going to be dining from. The Democrats plan in the House should be simple, pass what you ran on. Pass sensible healthcare fixes that are a bridge to a transition to Medicare-for-all. Shoot the moon on a real infrastructure plan, that fixes crumbling bridges and roads, provides high speed rail, puts millions of Americans back to work, and trumpet it to the sky that you’re going to pay for it by revoking the Trump tax cuts for the filthy uber rich. To quote Chris Matthews, “Dance with the one that brung ya,” All of this puts McConnell in an untenable position. He can have his Senate vote on, and pass bills that will move the country forward, and make the Democrats look good for legislating, or he can vote down those bills, with 22 Senators up for reelection in 2020. And I don’t wanna hear shit about “There are only 2 flippable GOP seats in 2020.” If Beto O’Rourke can come within 3 points in Texas, and Stacey Abrams can almost pull off the upset in the electoral police state of Georgia, there will be no “safe” seats in 2020, after 2 years of effective populist legislating by the Democrats in the House.
And for dessert, there’s the House investigations. Cockroaches operate best in the shadows and the dark, and up until now, the Trump administration has had blackout curtains over it. The Pelosi House investigations are going to turn on the lights, and see what scurries for the corners. They aren’t just going to investigate Trump-Russia, they’re going to go after the whole Gang-that-couldn’t-shit-straight mob operation. Jared’s ties to Saudi Arabia and Qatar, Trump’s taxes, criminal Trump organization activity, Trump Tower Moscow, Trump’s taxes, the whole kit-and-kaboodle. And they’re going to do it all right out there in the bright sunlight, on national TV. And for every rock they turn over, it leaves McConnell having to decide where to stomp. After all, the Senate also has investigatory oversight privileges, and his motley fools have had the last two years to get a running head start on all of this. Where were they? The House investigations into all things Trump is going to put upward pressure, and a lot of it, squarely on McConnell and the Senate. And just in time for 2020. I get the feeling that polls are going to assume a very important role in Mitch McConnell’s life for the next two years.
But here’s the funniest thing for me in all of this. When it comes to this whole government shutdown thing? Trump has been played like the sucker that WC Fields never gave an even break, and he doesn’t even know it. What happened? Trump was going to cave like an Incan gold mine on the border wall again, no big deal, he’s done it over and over again before. But Ann Coulter, Laura Ingraham, and El Rushbo took to the airwaves screaming, darkly threatening Trump that he would lose his precious gaggle of drooling morons, and be ridden out of town on a rail if he didn’t get his border wall funding right now! And His Lowness immediately rolled over on his back, and waited for them to skritch him on his tummy. What they did was to increase their own self influence in the eyes of their listeners, while leaving Trump looking like the worlds biggest patsy in the eyes of everybody else. What a moron.
So, I’m glad that y’all had a wonderful time last night, and I hope you had enough of a balance left on your Visa cards to cover your bail. I wish you nothing but s a speedy recovery, and straight probation, and I’m gonn go now and binge on the last of the bowl games. But please, do me a favor. When you come in on Thursday morning, watch out for the china cabinet, and don’t turn on the lights! I ain’t a pretty picture when I’m hung over.
Follow me on Twitter at @RealMurfster35
A note from the author: If you enjoyed this article, you might also enjoy my books, including the brand new President Evil II: A Clodwork Orange. Get them at Amazon: