Now I know for sure that I’m getting up there in years, because I find myself more and more pining for “the good old days.” A kinder, simpler time, when everything was well defined, and things were black and white. You know, like 2017?
Donald Trump beat the odds, and all sentient logic in 2016, and became President of the United States. Only when it was too late did James Comey come out and tell everybody that, ever since June of 2016, the FBI had been snooping around to see just how far Dipshit Donnie and Vlad the Imp went in their little game of slap-and-tickle in the back seat of Uncle Sam’s Chevy. And suddenly, everybody to the left of Karl Rove was loudly wondering if His Lowness was even a legitimate President, and a special counsel was appointed to get to the bottom of all of it.
And then, Trump decided to fire James Comey for the unforgivable sin of not letting Michael Flynn off of the hook, and started publicly musing about tying Robert Mueller to the railroad tracks, and suddenly obstruction of justice was the hottest thing since bell bottoms. Pitchforks were sharpened, torches were lit, and the Trump bunker went to DefCon 5. Networks stopped taking Viagra, because the pending “constitutional crisis” was giving them hourly nocturnal emissions.
Just one small problem with all of this. Not enough people gave a shit. The basic problem with “Russiagate” was that it was too conceptual. “Trump won because the Russians said nasty shit about Hillary on the internet!” The GOP Kept It Simple Stupid with a bumper sticker excuse, “Collusion is not a crime.” What were the rest of us left with? “Trump conspired with a foreign power to defraud the American people of a fair election.” Good Lord, that reads like a clause in your mortgage. I always thought that the Democrats would have done better with a simpler slogan: He fucking cheated!” But that’s just me.
The same thing was true with the obstruction of justice thingy. Basic problem was that Trump had the “right” to fire Comey. And the compelling response to that argument? But, but, but, he was going to blow the lid off of the whole Russiagate thing, that’s obstruction of justice! Oh, we’re back to that Russiagate shit again, with Hillary and the internet? Is that rerun on again, with Geraldo breaking into Capone’s secret vault?
But it turns out that the Trump presidency is like every great John Carpenter movie, it has a surprise twist right at the end. Right now, The $1 Store Caligula is in deep doo-doo, and it’s gonna get deeper. And the problem for Trump is that it doesn’t have a damn thing to do with Russia, or Robert Mueller, or Hillary and the internet, or any of that lame shit. It has to do with crime, and if there’s one thing that Americans love, it’s crime. Just look at the prime time line up, SWAT, Law and Order, FBI, and NCIS. And the best part is, the bad guys always take it in the shorts at the end.
Donald, meet Medusa. The New York Attorney General is investigating fraudulent practices at the vaunted Trump Charity. A bunch of years ago the United Way saw their donations almost disappear when it broke that they were spending more on corporate jets and executive golf courses than they were on cancer research for kids. Turns out that people don’t like seeing fat cats skim money from widows and orphans. And they’re also investigating bank fraud and money laundering. Hell, Wells Fargo is still running hokey ads with stage coaches trying to convince people that they won’t steal their money anymore.
There is now looking at whether Daddy’s Little Girl helped to engineer a scheme inflating the going rate for rooms and banquet facilities at Trump’s DC property for the inauguration to stuff more kaboodle into her upcoming inheritance. Whom among us hasn’t felt ripped off when the oil companies jack up the price of gas right at the start of the summer, when you’re going to drive the most? And how about the internet providers slowing your Pornhub download speeds if you don’t pay more for faster access?
12 state Attorneys General are suing Trump for emoluments clause violations, for using his position to lure customers to his properties at the expense of competitors without his influence? How many people have lost jobs, or had to drive further to buy simple things because box store behemoths like Walmart have driven smaller merchants out of business?
The incoming Democratic led House of Representatives is going to opening up a slew of new investigations into the Trump administration, and you know what their first order of business is going to be? To find out whether Trump people were lying to them all along! The granddaddy of all sins, and one every person in the country understands. Look, we all expect politicians to be bums, and we even expect them to lie to us, but if we actually catch them at it? They’re fucked.
And I saved the best for last. We now have a full blown, flat out, no holds barred pissing contest on our hands. Talk about a pay per view extravaganza. Just imagine this, Donald Trump in one chair, Michael Cohen in another, with Jerry Springer sitting in the middle, with Steve the bouncer at the corner of the stage. And at the perfect moment, Omarosa could come flying out from stage left, screaming at the top of her lungs. The problem for philandering Donnie is that the jilted lovers, Mikey and Omarosa, apparently have motel receipts and hidden microphone audio tapes. Shit, I’d drop $59.95 on that one.
If Trump goes down, and personally I believe he will, and before election day of 2020, it won’t be because of Mueller, Russia, or obstruction of justice. Because those are by their nature conceptual, and the GOP Senate can muddy the waters enough to make it possible for Trump to get away with it. But what they won’t be able to justify is simple crimes, that people can easily understand, with simple evidence that they can see for themselves. Because at that point, when it’s just that simple, if you ain’t part of the solution, you’re part of the problem. If a rock pops out of a dam, you can cover the hole with a hand. But when the dam has more holes than rocks? Well, you had better be wearing a life preserver. Let the games begin.
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